I Pooped My Pants Writing This

FYI: Nintendo Wii Launch Count @ Target Stores

2006-11-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

Bobi,

FYI (Launch Count in Bold):

T-1484 Lakeville Target Store (952)892-5400 18275 Kenrick Ave Lakeville MN 55044 100 191 102

T-1351 Rochester Target Store (507)536-2555 3827 Marketplace Dr NW Rochester MN 55901 100 191 111

T-1096 Winona Target Store (507)452-7006 860 Mankato Ave Winona MN 55987 100 191 111

T-0056 Burnsville Target Store (952)435-8611 810 County Road 42 W Burnsville MN 55337 100 191 102

T-0643 Apple Valley Target Store (952)891-5500 15150 Cedar Ave Apple Valley MN 55124 100 191 102

Looks like all you have to do is freeze yourself now.

Tolbs

Your Network Kills Babies!

2006-10-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, not exactly, but this article: here says a phone might cause men to have poorer sperm qualities.

Oooookaaaaaay...

Among other things, the researchers have said:

"I've seen men on trains spending two or three hours continually texting with their mobile phones held in their laps," he said. "We advise people to send a text with their arm outstretched next to the window when travelling on a train."

Now THAT would be an interesting development. Picture the millions upon millions of people using that inane texting feature, walking around like zombies, arms outstretched.

Actually, the zombie motif might apply to those morons.

Anyway, the whole thing is ridiculous if you ask me. Who has the phone up against his crotch four hours a day? Sounds more like something a woman might do with "vibrate ringer" on. NUDGE!

Yeah, I'm a dirty boy. Sue me.

Buy U.S. Savings Bonds.

And Your Little Dog, Too

2006-10-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

Damn you and your job-y richness, Tolbs. Damn you to Hell. Twice.

And consider yourself envied.

Also, I think it's a girl. The hair, for one thing (most schools require short hair for boys) and it's a bit hippy.

Anyway, here's my Shit List for today, even though it has only one item upon't:
Romance In Islam.

Fucking Indians. They always run the strictest-ass, most obtuse classes. This guy (Bali) comes in as a pre-doctoral prof and proceeds to instruct us just like he was at the University of Chicago which means, apparently, that we are expected to know Farsi, Urdu, Arabic, Hindu, and be able to discuss at length such writers as Khant, Marx, and lesser-known intellectuals as Benjamin. (Said Ben'yuh'mean) He finally realizes, after we continually express that we have no idea what he's talking about, that he is not explaining/teaching things that we are equipped to understand. So what does he do?

Assigns the bulk of the core curriculum of the U of C's literary analysis readings to us.

Mid-course.

Realize that I am not bitching about the extra work. Hell, I've always half-felt like reading Marx, I just never had enough drive or interest to sit down and do it. But this is NO way to run a class. I was talking to the class' pre-eminent Chemical Engineering student (seriously, no two of us have the same major/interests) and she, too, dislikes his teaching style, citing random tangents, relatively meaningless historical background (or at least he doesn't explain the significance of such) and poor planning as reasons to KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER. (Italics and caps mine)

And I'm not pissed that I have no clue what our midterm on Friday will contain. Nope. Not a fuckin' bit. Furthermore, you may be wondering what sparked this sudden tirade.

I'll tell you. The chemical engineering girl (Let's call her Ellie) and I can't make the regular OUT OF CLASS-TIME video showings which this ASSHOLE set up. So we asked him to make the video available at the library, a la every other instructor on campus. When we meet before Chinese (consuming precious vocabulary study time, I might add) we went to the library. They said (despite our telling the professor specifically to use this one) to go across campus (a daunting feat these days) to the other library. After roughly fifteen minutes of walking and bus-riding, we arrive to find that the library does NOT have the video, but they do have the book we already own, thank-you-very-much. So we decide to check out the douche-bag's office. He's not there, but while I go to the main office to inquire about our dilemna to some department heads or something. I return, frustrated, to find that Ellie is sitting with him in the office. Ok, cool, he's back; I can get some answers. It turns out that he meant he would put it on reserve in the library IF they owned a copy. Which doesn't really mean HE can reserve it, does it? Anyway, we're both a little edgy and to sate us, he tells Ellie she can grab his copy after class tomorrow, and we'll both have to watch it before Friday. Maybe Wednesday night, which I'm already using to go to a study group for my Japanese test because this fuck's class isn't the only one in which I have a damn midterm, the shithead.

Ok, I need to go cool down and memorize my vocab again. Have a g'night, all.

I am so angry. So very, very angry! He took my Thermal Discombobulator!

I'm Naked Cosby I Lights Things On Fire!

2006-10-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

'Cuz I like to respond in an easy-to-find way, I reply to comments with subsequent posts. It's how I roll.

Kimby: Perhaps they do think so, but I don't believe I'll ever appreciate that mentality. I have resigned myself (and they should resign themselves) to me disgustedly shoving they's butts out mah FACE.

Tolbs: Hey, man, you ain't told me 'bout no blahgs biatch! And what's this netfirms bidness? Never heard nunna dat. Seriously, though, that'd be cool, but I gotta figure out how to get the whole spiel downloaded or something because the Acrylic PC is still power sourceless. I should probably have asked for one of those for my birthday... shit. Thanks for the offer, though. I'll try to get on the chatty thing tonight; we can discuss Christmas Up North.

SG: Whaddya think? He could be your class's pet or mascot or Generally Pesky And Oftentimes Lost Rodent. Blame Jeffy, in the back, the little shit.

Mankey: Long time no see, my Simian Sir! How's the Pooping Business? Fruitful as ever, I should hope. And the Boy? All's well, hmmm? Keep it stankey, mankey!

Sleepy G: Paintings are teh rock. I wonder if you can find it, too, 'cuz I wants to sees it! If you can't find it, just paint another! Or make it an ornament! I can see it now... first Pipi: The Ornament, then Pipi: The Breakfast Cereal and finally Pipi: The Tactical Nuclear Missile! It'll be glorious.

In other news, fuggin' school. Ya know? Fuggin'... shit and cockasses. They tell me, they say, "We want money," or something and I jus' wanna beat 'em. Beat 'em down. 'Cuz they don' know... they don't. Not. Not fuck about shit, those bastards. I oughta go down here and give 'em what for... for... for what? What was I sayin'? The shit... I gotta piss. Hol' on, I be righ' back... Fuggin'...It's those lousy termites, they're takin' all the jobs, er... the wood jobs... or jus' the wood, I dunno... it's fuck. Just fuck and shit. Gary Cooper.

Picturific!

Chocolate Starfish

2006-10-05T14:24:00.000-07:00

I can relate to the cat butt, Kimby. Buddy, the sleek 'n sexy (and also cutest damn ever) black cat of the pair likes to sit (his) butt to (our) face. Why is that? Do cats just get a kick out of farting on us? I feel bad about tossing him off or moving him around when he looks comfortable, but I am NOT taking a shot to the face.

Maybe it's just me though?

Hanyway, studying for the Chinese now; trying to memorize various words like "towel" and "woolen sweater". Also "cowboy pants". Or "fastidious".

Mmyep. Oh, and speaking of knowing words, Beth got a little upset at me last night for saying the words Tim Gunn likes to use weren't that special. I thought he'd be using words like "inulcate" or "neoteric". Not borrowed words like "faux bois" or "Sturm and Drang".

He is hilarious, though. In other news,

Give Pipi noodles!

Learn Japanese In Your Recliner, Eating 'Tater Chips!

2006-10-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

"Chu Chu Rocketto, nezumi wo tasukerou"
Mice Mice Rocket, let's help the mice/rats
"Chu Chu Rocketto, Neko wa kowai!"
Mice Mice Rocket, the cat is scary!
"Chu Chu Rocketto, rocketto sugoi!"
Mice Mice Rocketto, the rocket is superb!
"Zubabababaaaa!"
Onomatopoeia for rocket blasting off.

Thanks for the question, Sleepy G! Glad to enlighten.

Hanyway, I'd make a real, concrete post, but new LOST IS ON IN THIRTEEN MINUTES, BITCHES! WOOOOOO! *whips shirt off and flails it over head* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I'm exuberant!

Oh, since I like the idea of teaching random samplings of foreign languages, how's about some Daily Vocabularies? Ready? OK!

JP:: Hidzukehenkousen (Hee'dzoo'kay'hen'ko-'sen): International Date Line
CH:: Nei4 Ku4 (Nay[said with a falling intonation] Koo[said with a falling intonation])

ChuChu Rocket!

2006-09-28T20:55:00.000-07:00


More things you can learn as an Asian Languages major... Sometimes I laugh so hard I scare the cats. Which works in this scenario.

By Changing Language, Exemplify!

2006-09-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

What follows is an essay which was originally written (by me) in Japanese. Babelfish's transpofornication software was used to severely fuck it into Ingelish. Enjoy.

Very much there is an admission examination in Japan. Because of that, with utmost effort not to study either high school admission examination, because there was no て, at the time of the Japanese university it is not difficult excessively in comparison with the American university. We do not like that system in me. It is in the high school student and the っ does Japan and the ょけ is the め being studied to say, but when being high school, when being pleasant, it should, is. Japan and America are hard school problem, but as for the Japanese system just a little you try as for probably not to be strange. "Because of university admission examination don't you think? it is good to change the color of the eye? "With it is said, but the student will study just admission examination normal class thing tries probably not to learn positively. Record writes and at the time of admission examination, positively we have done, but, after that it does and it is tend to go to bed in the ず. For example, that "it entered into three terms, it is it is, it became the scene. "With it was written. That umbrella it does, but it is the student. Perhaps the result, whether contents are learned truly, it is difficult to appraise. If as for my experience, study you know with just test, after the class information cannot be remembered excessively. Perhaps admission examination it passes, it gives the record which is good to the university. On the one hand, test it becomes skillful the contrast of the school, is not. As for the student there is no reason which is not learned at all, but when in admission examination preparing too much the assignment and lecture the ぐ it is to be, it probably is not to be understood. It is problem truly. The person who is felt the thought "in order as for high school to prepare the university, of calling to America thing" is many. If just the admission examination which enters into the university does not study and cannot go the て, there is no capability, high school has the purpose like opposite. But, when class becomes easy, does life probably become happy?

Isn't learning fun?

Returnificatory

2006-09-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this for quite some time. It's almost a weird feeling... wyrd even. I've decided to get ersatzgeeks.com up and running again, but only for the e-mail address. The main page will merely contain supplemental material, should I have any, for this blaaahhhhg.

So here's a shout-out to all those with whom I used to "get down", as it were, on this wondrous, communal advent of telecommunication facilities:

Punkrawkbethies, Crystal, Ashley, Sleep Goblin, Spinning Girl, Rowan, Danius Maximus, SlimAdam, Shanshu, Stankey Mankey, Eduardo the Llama, Kimberlina, Kitty, Fritz, Justin, Here The Tolbs Have Another Blog Post, and of course all the others I've "forgotten".
(I haven't actually forgotten you, I just can't remember your names at this time)

In celebration of this miraculous boon to the internet namely, my ascension from the depths back to the light of my computer screen, let's have a picture! Yay!

Couldn't've said it better myself, kid.

I think (based on a conversation betwixt Sleepy G and myspelf) that we should have a Pirate Party! Beth has been talking about hosting a Halloween Party and while I'm not sure if that's possible, what say ye all? No rush to get back to me on this; we can wait 'til next year if needs be. Until then, I'm off! 'Tis almost class time, and the bell shall ring in due course! Somebody clap some coconut halves together so I can fake-ride away.

*hums theme song of "Bonanza"*

The Last Hurrah

2005-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's done! I've moved! For all future posts, please reference The Ersatz Geeks' Page!

If you notice a lack of links and archives right away, that's because I'm slowly moving them over as I get used to the new interface and templates and stuff.

See you around! Also, if you have any problems with commenting or whatever, please e-mail me at bobi@ersatzgeeks.com or catch me on AIM at bobifro or MSN Messenger at huhbenchichang@hotmail.com

Thanks, Blogger! It was fun!

Damn My Idle Hands

2005-11-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

I dunno, I just felt like making this. Like many people these days, I have a strange fascination with Chinese/Japanese characters. Unlike most people, I don't favor "fortune" or "masterful sex performer" or whatever. I like words like "me" and "to gyrate". I think the hardest to write is "International Date Line", which is itsukehenkousen in Japanese. Strange Time Place or something to that effect. I can't be bothered to look it up at the moment. Oh, yes, the picture.

It's like a cool button or badge or something. Neat, huh?

I wonder who clicks on these stupid pop-under GIFs?

Well, besides me. Sometimes they're so indescribably inane I simply must follow them. That, or I can't figure out what some of the InterSpakk means. Thanx, BFF? Thanx, Butt-Fucking Fucker? Thanx, Blue Frog Fingerer? Thanx, Bake Four Fritos? Thanx, But Fornicate with the French?

What the hell does it mean?

Blogging From School As A Personal Letter Forum

2005-11-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Sleep Goblin: I am more than capable of experiencing emotions other than "drunken love". However, I have been trained from the get-go to try as hard as I can to not show any emotions other than: silly, happy, mad or variations thereupon. Sadness must be squelched immediately; crying is for sissies. However, being a sissy, I'm ok with that.
Thanks for the concern, though.

Crystalpistol: Thanks for the thought, but what would Mr. Pistol think? What would he do to me? It may very well be worth it, but I have a low threshold for pain. Please keep this in mind while shopping for tickets. Shall I expect you around the beginning of December? Will you want to stay for awhile or just disembark, smooch, and turn right around? 'Cuz that'd be kinda dull. Just a skosh.

I'm waiting for my meeting with my Chinese Mythology professor. The bastard ripped my latest essay apart; apparently I'll have to completely redo it.

Cocksucker.

Oh, crap, forgot...

Sleep Goblin: What's with your non-obsession with Alan Rickman? He's not my all-time favorite actor ever, but my hat is certainly off to him. His voice rocks ass, he's got the looks, and he's been in all kinds of crazy good movies. If there was one actor I would choose to flatter with ridiculously nonsensical parody, it'd be Rickman. Actually, it is Rickman. Purely for your own edification, my all-time favorite actor (and one of three men with whom I'd "go gay" for a while) is Thomas Jane. He is teh sex.

It's time for "Too Much Information!" with B.O.B.I.! This is the part of the blog where B.O.B.I. reveals just a tad too much about his personal life in what is inevitably a disturbing or embarassing piece of text!

I gave up masturbation. It started as a byproduct of Barbara, Dane's girlfriend, staying in the apartment all weekend. Now I realize how much time and energy I save by abstaining from that nasty habit and I think I'll just keep going without it. Those tests saying it's healthy are probably bullshit anyway. The Holy Roman Catholic Church wouldn't forbid it for nothing, right?

Hope you enjoyed "Too Much Information!" with B.O.B.I.! If anybody at all comments, even a spammer, this segment will be sure to make a return appearance from time to time!

I need a new schtick, and the "verbal vomit" from a few posts back seems to be a good one. What say we stick the middle finger of discourse down the throat of vocabulary and regurgitate the foul muck of non-sequitor laden language?

Right now I'm typing on one of those old, really noisy keyboards, the likes of which one may hear being used in the next county. The girl behind me keeps shifting around in her seat, but I'm not brave enough to see if she's getting pissed by my rat-tat-tapping. Fuck her, anyway. She's kinda cute, though. Maybe I should turn around. Penguins are one of the cutest animals ever. They're related to the puffin, like the one Sleep Goblin painted for me. Thanks again, Sleepy! I wuv joo! My Sprite is getting flat. Oh well, I should be drinking water anyway. Today I think I'll wear three sets of boxers and see if I can pass them off as short shorts. The human brain, if used properly, is able to open cans of asparagus. Don't use it on those refried beans, though; that's just stupid. Sima Qian, the Grand Gentleman Historian of ancient China, tried to emulate Confucius. Once, when I was little, I tried to climb a tree. Then my mom called me in for dinner. I wonder where that tree is now...

Thanks for reading, everyone! I'll see you later. And remember: It's unwise to use a frozen chicken as a flotation device.

Time? I Have Time?

2005-11-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I've whittled away the evening by doing laundry, cleaning my room, practicing the cello, and making this:

I'm not entirely sure what brought that on. I needed a dose of Rickman, as I'm sure you all do from time to time. Reason enough for me; what about you? Let's talk about you for awhile, hmm?

Welcome to my blog. I hope you like it. In the past I've been funny, witty, and all sorts of clever. More recently I've been depressed and noticably absent. Ah, well, such is the life of a college student, n'est-ce pas? Please, make yourself at home! The links are for your convenience, of course, but I highly recommend my "Archives" before treading to other sources of amusement. So, what do you like to do? Oh, that sounds fun. What about reading? Picked up any good books lately? I don't think I've heard of that one, but if it's any good, maybe I'll go look for it! Ok, sounds good.
Oh, goodness, I'm such a terrible host! Would you like anything to eat or drink? Oh, no problem, we've plenty of that around here. There you are, hope it's not too stiff. My, the lamplight certainly reflects wonderfully off of your eyes. They're such an interesting shade of blue! I could stare at them for such long stretches of time... Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to trail off there. You've finished your drink? Care for another? Ok, that's fine. By the way, that's a great outfit you're wearing; it really accentuates your figure. I'm serious! I am! Ok, ok, how about a movie? Any particular favorites? Really? That's mine, too! Let's pop it in! I love how it starts; not too much action, not too much exposition, plenty of dialogue... oh, right, I'll shut up now.

I love making shit up in my head. It's always perfect. Sometimes I'll do that when I meet an interesting girl. Then she walks away while I'm daydreaming, but for those twenty seconds or less we live happily ever after...

It is really dull to be me right now.

[EDIT] Thought I'd include a note to Sleep Goblin: the "streak" is over. Last night my cousins, sisters and I went to "The Weatherman". During the movie, a father named Robert dies in the winter of lymphoma, which is exactly the circumstances of my dad's death. I didn't stay dry-eyed for the rest of the movie and I had a hard time not sobbing. Thanks for listening, Sleepy.

Bit 'O Free Time a la Crystalpistol

2005-11-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

She stole it, now I'm stealing it. Not much to do until I have to go to work.

/shrug

two names you go by (other than your real name):
1 B.O.B.I.
2 Big O

two parts of your heritage:
1 Polish
2 Irish

two things that scare you:
1 Being totally alone
2 Silence

two of your everyday essentials:
1 The ring I found in the shower stall freshman year
2 underwhere

two things you are wearing right now:
1 boxers
2 socks

two of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
1 Coheed and Cambria
2 Thrice

two of your favorite songs (at the moment):
1 Image of the Invisible - Thrice
2 A Favor House Atlantic - Coheed and Cambria

two things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
1 Good conversations
2 Oral (both ways)

two truths:
1 Women are insane
2 Final Fantasy Tactics is the best game ever

two physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex):
1 Eyes (wider is usually better)
2 butt (no one thing defines a good butt, though; takes all kinds)

two of your favorite hobbies:
1 Relaxing
2 Celloing (growing on me again)

two things you want really badly:
1 Money
2 To be out of school

two places you want to go on vacation:
1 Japan
2 Poland

two things you want to do before you die:
1 Kiss a girl
2 Fly

two ways that you are stereotypically a chick/guy:
1 I love destruction
2 Bigger is almost inevitably better

two things you are thinking about now:
1 How badly I don't want to go to work
2 I can't think of two things at once

two stores you shop at:
1 Target
2 Cub Foods

O Ye Who Art Loverly

2005-11-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

A school teacher
A chemistry preacher
A loverly creature
And more!

With beautiful hair
Eyes that glitter and glare
She spins here and there
No one knows what for!

She laughs at dessert
In love she's been hurt
I tried to have her (for a spurt)
But luck wasn't mine...

She's simply too grand
Writing hilarious odes and
Observations on Estonia, her homeland
It's too bad she gave up wine.

What comedy would issue
What things would she do?
What chaos would ensue
From a drunk Spinnerette?

Men would fall over themselves to save her
She's attractive already and if in danger she were
A damsel in distress she'd be, I aver
Worth saving more than any princess yet.

Here, then, to Spinning Girl
For her Eleventy Umpteenth Birthday, a twirl
Or a dance is the least she deserves from any churl
Though I'm too far away.

I merely have a poem from the heart
For the woman who took mine, briefly, with her feminine art
And though we be miles and years apart,
In my mind I'm with you today.

I wish you many more, filled with time with whatever man upon whom you bestow your grace.

XOXOXO *pinch*

-B.O.B.I.

Guffaw

2005-11-03T05:16:00.000-08:00

[EDIT] Thanks for reminding me, Yak. That is, indeed, a to-scale replica of my Block 'N Tackle. My Wedding Toys, my Bits 'N Pieces, Meat and Two Veg... The Ol' Beef Whistle and Maraccas!

How ya like me NOW!?

[EDIT x2] (in response to Sleep Goblin's comment)
Remember, Rand earned his Heron-mark blade (fight with Seanchan High Blood at Falme) AND he ignores (ignores!) an unbelievable amount of pain every moment! Despite this, he functions like a normal person! Plus the thing that happens towards the end of Knife of Dreams. You'll find out.

Rand is THE BAMF of the series, although I don't like him as much as other characters.

I'm Such A Fucking Otaku

2005-11-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

I made this after I got home today. I finished Book Eleven of "The Wheel of Time" Series today and I felt particularly nerdy. What's more is I'm looking for pieces of wood and knives so I can practice wood-carving. Why, you ask? Because I own a naginata (very very similar to Mat's ashandarei) and despite the fact that it already has Rand's Dragon on the sheath, I want to put ravens and the inscription down the haft. How fucking cool would that be? All I need is a gaucho hat, a red coat, a frilly-ass shirt, some breeches and some boots and I'm Mat. Plus I'd have to shave. Oh well.
[EDIT]Fuck, I totally forgot the black scarf. The shirt is wrong, but I love this picture. It captures his rakish nature perfectly, and just about all the symbols are there. He just needs his signet ring, one or two falls of lace on the cuffs and at the throat and the blade of the ashandarei is missing the ravens, but otherwise... it's him. Yeah, I'm a complete and utter dork for WoT. Sue meh.

For those of you who haven't read this series, it is my highest recommendation, and that's saying something. There are many other books I'd recommend to read otherwise, but this is definitely tops.

For a while I had doubts... I remember Book Ten, "Crossroads of Twilight" as a lot of exposition and setting with very little plot advancement; just a lot of set-up. "Knife of Dreams" comes out swinging though; it kicks more ass than a psychotic, three-legged man at a donkey show. Some things get resolved, which is beyond excellent; I've been desperately hoping for two for the last three books. Some things are set up and I'm practically screaming because I want to know what'll happen next so fucking BAD! Also, I really want to know what a couple things mean, as they pop up now and again, but I'm left clueless.

I won't spoil anything for anybody, but I will say that my favorite ass-beaters are still kicking it, Original Bad-Ass Style:
Lord Matrim Cauthon, Leader of the Red Band, Prince of the Ravens for keeping it real.
al'Lan Mandragoran, Aan'Allein, The Uncrowned King, Lord of the House of the Golden Crane for being the second hardcorest mutha in the book.
Lord Perrin t'Bashere Aybara, The Wolf King and Liege Lord of Manetheren and/or The Two Rivers for taking it all the way for his lady.
Aludra, Last of the Guild of the Illuminators for sheer inventiveness.
Egwene al'Vere, Watcher of the Seals, The Flame of Tar Valon, The Amyrlin Seat, Hardcore Obstinate Super-Bitch Who Really Needs a Dose of Vitamin Gawyn for being her.
Any and All Asha'man for being royal ass-beaters, even the pussies who let themselves become Warders for being rude, crude, and destructive. Now that's manly.

Peace out, I need to go salivate to dreams of blowing shit up with my mind. Yeeeaaaahhhh....

Fuck yeah.

Dammit

2005-10-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

I had this great weekend, but it's all been destroyed by two things:

I took a shit ton of really cool pictures but lost my $500 camera. Maybe my mom'll find it, but maybe not.

Andrea seems to be ignoring me. I really don't have any attachment to her yet, but it's just fucking rude and adds to my lonesome feeling. Also there's Dane's blossoming situation making me incredibly jealous.

At least I got some cookies out of it.

::munch::

Damn good ones, too.

Dammit.

Full of Love and Silly

2005-10-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

Holy Crizzity Crap on a Philly Cheese Steak Sammich! I got more presents!
From Sleep Goblin!

THANK YOU, SLEEP GOBLIN! ::kiss kiss kiss::

I have such cool friends!

Warning: They're big pictures because I opted for quality over bandwidth. Sue meh.

Looky!
Looky 2x!

Also, I was feeling lighthearted during my Chinese Class Survey. I took a picture!
You like it!

I'm off to watch Cloud fight Dark Bahamut again. I never could get enough of Climhazard; I know Meteorain and Finishing Touch are cool, and Omnislash is obviously the strongest, but Climhazard is just so cool!!

Or as Reno says, "Ru-do, kakko ii yo!"! *Rude, you're so cool!*

Hello!

2005-10-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

My good friend, B.O.B.I. added me as a team member to his blog, since I'm not terribly creative, myself. He'll help me contribute to this "internet" thing, now and again! I must say, it's all so terribly exciting; I'm not sure what to do! But that's why B.O.B.I. invited me, I suppose. I'll also be hanging around and making a general nuisance of myself. Who knows? Maybe I'll even join him on one of those mystical "audio posts" he somehow creates! How fun would that be, I ask you?

Well, I don't have much to say right now; B.O.B.I. is making some spaghetti and I think there might be enough for me to have some! So toodle-oo and watch for my editorials. I'll poke my head in, just like now! Just to say a thing or two. Maybe take a nibble of that cake you have, there. My, but it does look tasty. You don't mind if I have a bite. Mmm! That is simply delicious! You know what they say... "One good turn deserves another..." Oh, that is scrumptious! Hey, where are you going? The cake! The caaaaake!!

Bwaaar!

OORGLE!

Incoming

2005-10-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You imitate Mario Kart and hurl turtle shells at little old ladies as you drive past.

At Your Lowest:

You become rather obsessive about whether or not the Ninja Turtles could, in fact, kick the Thundercats' asses to the point of shrieking wordlessly and pointing at ridiculous graphs and figures.

In Love:

You're a bit odd. Nobody's tried kissing that before.

How You're Attractive:

You're not, really. People just think you are.

Your Eternal Question:

"How many Oreos can I really fit in my mouth??"

What's Your Power Color?

Yeah, that makes sense. Sure.

Too Much Cider

2005-10-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

We may have gotten a bit silly at work today.

I credit it to the abnormal amount of discount cider in the breakroom.
Who can say, "No," to free discount cider?

Not we, apparently.

Covered in paper; I am in my element! I'm never at a loss for places to jot notes or womens' phone numbers! The fact that I haven't yet means nothing! It'll happen, I tell you!

Freshly coiffed, I and my wig are ready for a night on the town!

My associate, Christian, and his mullet are ready to tear it up and the Nascar tracks. Stupid hick.

My other associate, Mike, just arrived from his "Confections 'n Leather" conference. I think he won "Best Bundt Cake Recipe" or something. It's a strange meeting, I guess.

I've been having a hard time thinking of stupid shit to say, lately. The other night Dane and The Other Roommate dragged me to a place called Shooters where you buy alcohol and play pool. Our mutual friend, Ty, was there with his girlfriend and her roommate. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I introduced myself to her.
B: "Hi, I'm Brian. How do you know this motley crew?"
C: "Hi, I'm Cory. I'm Sam's roommate."
B: "Cool, I'm their ::points to Dane and The Other Roommate:: roommate."

At this point, I hit a wall. I had nothing to say. Luckily, she took the ball and walked away to talk to Sam. Whatever, it's been a long, boring week.

Therefore, I'm going to vomit text for you all right now. It'll be like that drunk post a while back, but now you'll be able to read what I'm thinking!

"What fun," you must be thinking. Perhaps.... perhaps.

When I was little, a red robin flew into my window. There was a dull thud and it fell to the ground. Robert Jordan is probably the most influential author since bread was invented. Wait, that's a lie. I wonder what my slippers taste like. They taste bad, trust me. Katamari Damaci (and I know I'm like two years and a sequel behind, here, but I've been away from a lot of gaming lately) is like crack, for crackheads, by crackheads. It's like the FUBU of video games. It's no longer Katamari Damaci, it's CFCHBCH. I want to find the person who said Squaresoft won't make a new version of Final Fantasy 7 for the PS3. I will whip out my dick and beat them about the head with it. And it'll hurt, because I'll be rock-hard with indignation. That happens sometimes. I miss Invader Zim. I wish my G.I.R. In Dog-Suit would come to life every day. We'd have adventures wherein he'd blow up the house and make waffles. It'd be a dream... Speaking of dreams, I dreamt of a space bug, floating in space, sleeping its space sleep. And a moment to it is a lifetime to us! Cows are fun animals. Just listen to one sometime. It's magical.
Somebody spank the walrus. It's high time for some polo around here and a walrus-spanking is just what's needed. Tally ho and pip pip!

I have no idea how I found this. But it makes me feel warm, somehow.

I had this chat with Sleep Goblin. She made me a birthday present! I can't wait to see it! Oh, yeah, the conversation.
peanut says:
you big kid
B.O.B.I. says:
I am!
B.O.B.I. says:
I'm a child at heart. The other day I took out some of my old toys and set up an Intergalactic Battle until it was time to wash up for dinner.
B.O.B.I. says:
It was awesome
B.O.B.I. says:
the Rock Lords stood in opposition to the Lego Syndicate, but the Ninja Turtle Marquisate stepped in for the Battle Beast Imperium
B.O.B.I. says:
stuff blowed up everywhere
B.O.B.I. says:
things died
B.O.B.I. says:
time passed
B.O.B.I. says:
I ate food
B.O.B.I. says:
it was good times
peanut says:
sounds like it

Ok, that's probably enough silly for now. Hopefully I've just interested you all, as a moth to a flame, and not driven you all away, as a moth in a flame.

Take care and wash your underwear every day! Actually, you women out there, I can do that for you, if you're too busy or something. No big; I'm generous.

OMG PRESENTS!

2005-10-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Still no Mom e-mail. Oh well. Here are the crazy things I got from my cousin! She's (like most of my family) possessed of an interesting sense of humor. She's awesome!

Some bacon adhesive strips! Sterile and delicious!

I've been without a decent calendar for a while now! Well, I'm still without a decent calendar, but this'll "doo". (Man, I'm funny!)

I guess I'm in need of some "hipping up" as the kids are saying. Or not saying. I'm not entirely sure.

I'm totally taking these to Japanese class when I'm feeling better. Hopefully they run OK on carpet.

Being sick is definitely one of the dumbest experiences one can have, isn't it? You get to stay home from all sorts of obligations and try to relax. You get to lay about on the couch or, if all your entertainment is at the foot of your bed, like mine, the bed. Drink and eat to your heart's delight. It's almost a pleasurable experience. Then you start sneezing, drown your sweatshirt in snot, almost pass out from the pain of swallowing and consider drilling holes in your head with the corker to relieve the pressure.

Then, while trying to savor whatever you can, such as the just-released movie, "Batman: Begins", the effort of overcoming whatever little parasitic organism has decided it'd be a good idea to fucking EAT YOU finally takes its tole and you pass out for eight hours, only to wake up thirstier and hungrier than you remember being in at least a year. So you gorge yourself on some EZ Mac, water, and basically whatever else is within reach and takes almost no preparation. Two hours later you need to eat again and by day three guess what? You're out of food. The light burns the eyes, precious, but you're out of food, so you get to venture out into the frigid world to the grocery store and have a little arctic adventure. We all know what it's like to feel that anything out of the covers is "cold", but a grocery store's temperature is only just higher than an Alaskan winter, so going there is going to be something on the order of an Epic Quest, the likes of which haven't been seen since you tried to construct that really expensive entertainment center or get the paint out of the carpet.

Yet it must be done. If I don't pass out or whatever and actually make it back, maybe I'll tell you guys how it's going.

For now, excuse me... I just sneezed all over myself again and the keyboard was also kind of on the receiving end.

::love bubbles::

2005-10-18T07:17:00.000-07:00

I was going to wait until my mom e-mailed the pictures so I could do one gigantic post, but I guess a little piecemeal Birthday present action can't hurt.

Look what I got!

I may not be a knight or a Tarot Card, SG, but I will always care for you. Thank you so much. I'ma frame it!

Also, I'ma totally outdo you for your birthday. I think. Needs some work, yet.

Hopefully more coming later! I'll probably start taking pictures of my other gifts and then you'll all be wondering about my family. What fun!

Pen Pal?

2005-10-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

It might be fun to keep a running commentary on this semester's Japanese project. I've just finished writing a letter to someone in Japan. I'm not entirely sure if it's a boy or a girl or what age they are. I'll have to remember to ask my SENSEI tomorrow. As it unfolds, I'll copy the letters here and translate them for those of you who don't have the language pack and/or the ability to read Japanese.

Here's what I wrote:

森田裕也さん

はじめまして。私はブライヤン・オランと申します。ミネソタ大学の四年生で、専門は日本語です。いつも私は日本二興味があったから、三年前に日本語を勉強して始めました。大学でたくさん面白い経験がありました。初めの年はわたしが寮に住んでいましたがたくさん友達を作りませんでした。もう少しサックル活動を入ったら、もっと友達を作れましたね。今私はアパートに住んでいてしアルバイトをしてし。日本へテレビゲームがとても人気がありますね。私もテレビゲームに画興があります。森田さんもそうに興味がありますか。

それから、侍について書きたいと思っています。アメリカに侍などがぜんぜんありませんから、侍など興味があります。
教えいてくれませんか。

１。日本の中学や高校や学部へ、侍歴史を教えていますか。小さい例がありますか。
２。自分の侍の考え方はなんですか。
３。日本人の友達とその友達のご両親は「刀がだいきらい！」と言っていましたから、日本人は別に侍が好きじゃないと思っています。これは本当にだったら、どうしてですか。

４。アメリカの歴史ことに興味がありますか。そのことはカウ・ボイズやマフィヤでかもしれません。

お忙しいところ申し訳ありませんが、どうぞよろしくお願いします！

ブライヤン・オラン

English:
Mr. Yuuya Morita

Let us begin. I humbly call myself Buraiyan Oran. A fourth-year student at Minnesota University, my major is the Japanese Language. Because I've always had an interest in Japan, I started studying Japanese three years ago. In college I have had many interesting experiences. The beginning year, I lived in a dormitory, but I didn't make many friends. If I had entered a few more extracurricular clubs, I could have made more friends, don't you think? Right now I'm living in an apartment, working a part-time job and doing other things. In Japan, television games are popular, right? I also have an interest in television games. Mr. Morita, do you think the same?

Well then, I think I'd like to ask about samurai. Because America never had things like samurai, there's an interest in things like samurai. Please teach me!

1. In Japan's middle and high schools and colleges, do they teach samurai history? Is there a small example?
2.What is your way of thinking on samurai?
3.Because my Japanese friend and his or her family said, "I hate swords!" I think Japanese people don't particularly like samurai. If this is true, why?
4.Do you have an interest in American History matters? These matters could be Cowboys or Mafia.

You are in a busy place and I have disturbed you, but it was a pleasure meeting you!

Buraiyan Oran

No News is...

2005-10-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

The good news is: I think my fever broke. It only hurts when I move and I'm sweating. Yay me. Now I have to wash my bedding.

The bad news is I just started sneezing like a hedgehog in a pepper factory and my nose is running like a... I dunno, somebody gimme a poor simile.

Is Ibuprofen weight-based or is that Acetaminophen? I never know how much to take and my mom won't answer her phone.

There Really Is A Price For Everything

2005-10-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was awesome. I got to eat in a nice restaurant with my mom, sisters, and one of my cousins and I got to ride a Segway! I also got some kick-ass presents! Unfortunately, there's no proof of this until my mom gets off her ass and e-mails me dem's pics. *cough*

So, since yesterday was excellent (and excellent weather, to boot) today started off shitty. I woke up with an incredibly sore throat and a headache. I attributed the throat to my room being dusty (it is, kinda) and the headache to my as-yet-unhealed neck. I tried to console myself by wearing the most comfortable outfit I own.

That's right. Shorts over the Santa Penguin Pajamas. Truly awesome.

Plus, later on, I found another Geico add. I dunno about you guys, but I can't ever get enough of those. I fucking love that gecko.

However, as the day progressed, I gradually felt worse and worse. I didn't finish my e-mail to some guy (I think it's a guy) named Yuuya Morita in Japan. Now I have to do it at home. Typing in Japanese takes a long fuggin' time. Plus there were brief stretches in Chinese class where I would lapse into unconsciousness.

By Chinese Mythology I was completely lethargic, aching all over, feverish, possessing a sore throat, and the headache was attempting to assert itself as the dominant power in my head. Thank God my professor doesn't seem to care that much about me and let me go.

I go sleep now. Maybe have some EZ Mac.

Anybody else out there have an October birthday?

Ow. Owowowowowow.

2005-10-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, I really don't want to do that ever again. That sucked.

It's not because I'm hung over. It's not because I threw up. No, it's because at some point last night I really had to go to the bathroom and in mid-stream, I went blind.

When I could see again, (I guess this is a correlary of regaining consciousness) at first I was too preoccupied by the pain at the back of my head, my neck, shoulders, elbows, back, butt, and knees. When I was able to concentrate slightly, I found that my legs were over the side of the bathtub and I was basically sitting in it. After a few more seconds I figured out that I had passed out, (standing up) had fallen backwards to hit the wall and steel support bar, and come to a sitting position in the shower.

Fucking awesome. It hurts to move today. I think I did something to one of my knees.

Not only this, but I did feel like throwing up for awhile. During that brief phase, I passed out again, with my face and shoulder on the goddamn toilet bowl rim.

I'm totally cleaning that thing this week.

It's my Birthday! Weeeee!

[EDIT] What the...? Tolbs, you're a bastard. But that's awesome. Thank you.

OMG h4x3d!

2005-10-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Bobi. Hope the hangover isn't too bad in the morning. Enjoy the day, and hopefully there is plenty of pies to be had.

Tolbs

(ps: you may be wondering...how the hell did he get my password? Answer: I guessed. Third time is the charm. I know what password you used to use, but apparently you don't use that anymore...Nonetheless, i'm absolutely positive you know my password(s) for everything, so feel free to do as much damage as possible. Feel free to delete this post, peace.)

Drunk Post AgaIN

2005-10-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

tHIS IS gonna be a stream of consciousness thing. I'm drunk and I'm not gonna edit anything. not even the block caps of the double previous sentence.

I think I'm angry. It's hard to think about what. Maybe it's women. That seems to be a common theme. mayb e it's cuz I'm betting older. maybe no. i dunno.

i do know that one beer, on a empty stomach, will get me sluggish.

twh beers and I get really sluggish
\ three and I start slurring my spech

four and I can
't type very well
hey that's a pretyt good exampl3. hopefully I'm close to passing out because this is gettin realy annoyingh to read ad I write. i gotta think more as I tpye and it's really difficult.

women are all bitches. even the wons I love. you're all suck. except not. so esxy but bitches. ball-crushers and harpies. im too shy to do anything about it all/. why haven't I passed out yet? more bree/

that was a reabby bad sendtecne. maybe i'm betting glocser. hahaha that didn
t make sense. i'm maughing i'm not looking at the keyboard while I thpe. hahahahaha that's the easiest thing to ty[e tirhg tnow. hold one,gotta drin,

ok press publis

I'm Happy...?

2005-10-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm incredibly confused right now.

Let's take things as they come, shall we?

Spinning Girl doesn't want me. That hurt. A lot. But that was several days ago and my psychic wounds begin to close. It has, however, been sending me into funks of despair all week.

On Wednesday, Kim sent me an e-mail saying Andrea was done dating whatever guy she met at the wedding. I should go ahead and send her an e-mail. I thought, "What the hey?" and did. On Wednesday. She hasn't replied yet. Bah and fiddlesticks.

There are, however, a few things which are fiercely combatting with my depression.
The late heart of my heart wrote something for me which actually made me cry for something like the third time in the last four and a half years. Thank you, Spinning Girl. That was wonderful.

Also, (related to the above), tomorrow is my 22nd birthday! Tolbs made the astute postulation such that, "everybody knows tomorrow is B.O.B.I.'s" birthday but, of course, he exaggerates. Only three fourths of the world knows tomorrow is my birthday. Large parts of Siberia are as yet bereft of modern telecommunications, as are some of the more remote parts of the Congo and Amazon. Let's not even mention Cleveland.

In light of this occasion and today, my Common-Law Birthday, I bid you all, "Be Merry!" Go out tonight! Cuddle with your significant other or porn! Or, if you have nothing else, a picture of me! Have wild sex! Have tame sex! I don't care, just copulate and near the end, (this is, obviously, for the ladies and gay guys out there) make sure to call him, "B.O.B.I.". The louder the better.

I'm off to get shitfaced; I'm tired of trying to sort my feelings out. Better to just shove the dirt and dust of my emotions under the large rug of my conscious mind and let the psychic vacuum of alcohol take care of it later.

Hey, could somebody feed Neduardo and Shaggy Llama while I'm passed out? If it isn't done, they tend to get into my closet and bam! I'm missing a sweatshirt or something.

Thanks. I love you all. (Yes, that still includes you)

Aside

2005-10-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

Interesting side note: I started the '03 Austin 'Fro Craze. The year after I graduated, I visited the ol' hometown and found out a shit ton of kids had latched on to my idea and had grown 'fros (including the '04 King-to-be... yep, I influenced like three years of students!) I wasn't around that much, but my mom told a bunch of the soccer moms (many of whom still had kids in high school) that I had cut my hair and everybody was really shocked. I think one of my old teammates actually said, "Scandalous!"

Rowan, good call. For that one year and a half from middle of junior year to end of senior year, I was, somehow, incredibly popular. Unfortunately it just doesn't convey to college. Not that it matters; too busy to be popular. And the name is not a pun; Square just recognized the awesomeness of the name and gave it to the second-best ginormous sword-user ever! :P

And yeah, Homecoming was fucking amazing. The court drove to Century High School in Rochester, MN, and put SPAM coin banks all over the front yard and chalked up their sidewalks. The next day, the Vice Principal called me into his office and asked me, "What happened last night, Brian?"
B: The court drove to Century and chalked up the sidewalks...
VP: What about SPAM?
B: We left some SPAM coin banks on a few walls and bushes and stuff...
VP: No, actual SPAM, the product.
B: It's made from pigs?
VP: Somebody smeared SPAM all over a few of the school walls and windows last night.
B: Sir, none of us had anything to do with that.
VP: Of course, I trust you kids. However, maybe if you issue a public apology at the game on Friday, that might help things a little.
B: Whatever you want, dooder.
VP: Awesome. Keep it skippy, Brian.
B: Later.

Then I wandered over to the principal's office and talked about the ID cards for awhile. That year I decided to be a non-conformist conformist. All the students were required to have their ID cards displayed at all times. You can see this in my Knowledge Bowl picture, I think. I have around six on a chain, there. I would buy one every few days which pissed the Card Lady off, but kind of amused everyone at the same time. Finally I busted them all out at once and linked them together in a bandolier. Everybody loved it. When I graduated, I gave the bandolier back to the principal (who conceived and enforced the idea) who showed it to the auditoreum. I remember a huge response.

Ah, memories... I wonder if he still has them...

A Brief Stint At The Hospital Later...

2005-10-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

GOD! NOT SO LOUD! I GODDA HEADACHE! SHHHHH!

::grumble::

Ok, ok... sheesh! I'll say something...

I miss the days when I looked forward to Halloween and all the candy I'd be receiving and eating.

I miss the days when all I wanted to do was form a G.R.O.S.S. chapter with my male classmates.

I miss spending summer days wondering what I should do, not how long before I had to go do something.

I miss having the time to do nothing more than sit on my bed and read a good book.

I miss masturbation being fun and exciting, not time-consuming and almost necessary.

I miss playing soccer.

I miss other parts of High School, too.
(Yes, I was the king. Proof.)

I miss the Sonic: The Hedgehog ABC cartoon.

I miss eagerly anticipating the next Disney movie.

I miss the days when a birthday list didn't contain items like these.

I miss being able to dump over 200 hours in a video game and be able to keep up with everything around me.

I miss childhood. (picture forthcoming)

I hurt.

2005-10-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

If you'll all excuse me for a few days, I'd rather be blissfully unaware for a while.

I Cannot Stop Associating "Ursine" with Pigs

2005-10-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

G.I.R. would be so happy. Thanks, Rowan!

There's this girl in my Japanese class. Before your heads sink too far into the gutter, no, I don't like her. I don't dislike her, but she ain't my thang, ya know?

I do notice an increasingly disturbing trend, however. We live in Minnesota. It is starting to get pretty damn fucking cold here. But every day this year, she has shown up with the same style of clothing: Slipper-like shoes, some kind of hose (panty hose, fishnet stockings, you-almost-can't-tell-it's-not-skin hose, etc.), some manner of t-shirt, tank top, blouse, or combination thereof, and a mini-skirt.

Yep, you read me. Mini-skirt.

And it's not just a mini-skirt. This is as if she kiped thirty off of Barbie and strung them together aroun her waist. Anytime she bends from her waist to any degree, anyone within eyeshot gets a glimpse of her drawers. Thank God she rarely wears granny panties, 'cuz that would be fucking disturbing. Of course, neither does she wear thongs, as that would be equally as rude.

How the hell does she stay warm? Does she sprint around campus in her 3" long skirt? How can she do that in shoes that look like they were made for ballerinas?

Any of you women ever do this? Care to explain your insanity? Maybe?

On a seperate matter: I don't mean to brag, but this was the second day I talked to the incredibly interesting woman who stole Spinning Girl's phone and speaks Estonian. It's amazing, really. What are the odds that two women would live in the same area of Connecticut, speak Estonian, and know my name? I mean, it's just creepy. But really cool, too. It's... coopy.

Oh, The Things I Does

2005-10-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

I just talked to the best woman in the world! No foolin'! I'm high on something! I don't know what it is! But I'ma use it to my advantage! So here's a list of what I may or may not do during the day! Enjoy! Don't you love how every sentence ends with an exclamation point?! That one counts, too!

Whenever the hell my alarm clock feels like going off: Wake up.

.002 seconds after the alarm clock goes off: Perform Flying Death Womp on alarm clock.

3 seconds after Flying Death Womp: go back to sleep.

27 minutes to 8am: Wake up in a panic, somehow cognizant of the fact that I am late for the bus.

26 minutes until 8am to 15 minutes until 8am: Mad dash around room, yelling, "Where the mother fuck are my pants? My books? My glasses? What the hell was that?"

15 minutes until 8am: Fly out the door like my ass is aflame, to the car, and down to the bus.

8am: Arrive, panting, at the bus stop.

8:05am: Board the cocksucking bus and sit next to dumpy human #765764. At least I threw some cologne on.

8:45am: Arrive at school. Trudge to class. Avoid eye contact with people handing out flyers.

9:15am: Enter class. Stop paying attention.

Somewhere between 9:15 and 9:55am: Get called on, stumble around for pertinent answer. Somehow spin some acceptable bullshit... in Japanese.

After Japanese class: Mind wanders. Considers the ramifications of shoving a stuffed tube-sock down my pants in a gay club.

After after Japanese class: Mind wanders. Wonders in which part of Connecticut Spinning Girl lives. Does not remember having seen a map of Connecticut in a long time. Looks up map. Was not aware Connecticut had a coastline. Is surprised.

12:20pm: Chinese class: Mind wanders. Wonders whether or not it would be fun to jump up, pull pants down and scream, "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!"

Middle of Chinese class: Decides against pantsless Soylent Green comment. Mind wanders. Thinks about llamas dancing the Cha Cha Cha.

After Chinese Class: Eats food. Wonders if Connecticut has Erbert & Gerbert's. Decides if Connecticut doesn't have Erbert & Gerbert's, will build one with loyal army of mutant wombat clones.

Bus Home: Mind Wanders. Dreams of Spinning Girl, Fritz, Sleep Goblin, Ashley, Rowan, and Crystal in Nude Raspberry Jelly Royal Rumble Wrestling contest. Gets incredibly aroused and causes some discomfort to old lady in next seat.

Arrive home: Tests idea of uniting raspberry jelly and masturbation. Situation becomes stickier than usual.

Clean-up: Showers, towels off, showers again. Gives jelly jar one last look, but puts it away. Swears off PB&J for awhile.

Late-day homework: Mind wanders. Looks up Japanese word for "to gyrate". Answer: まわる.（Mawaru)

Post late-day homework:　まわっている。(Gyrating)

Evening meal: Pizza, spaghetti, EZ Mac, grill, or take-out. 'Tis a simple life. Discusses possibility of hiring chef with Dane again.

Post evening meal: Fantasizes about owning a tank. With the cannon still attached.

Sleep: Dreams of Spinning Girl.

[EDIT] Current favorite "blast from the past" song: "All for Love" by Bryan Adams, featuring Sting and Rod Stewart, from Disney's "The Three Musketeers". 'Tis awesome, for sooth!

Rampant Alcoholism

2005-10-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

Weeee! Tolbs visited us! We went to Serenity again!

We got drunk again! And recorded it for you!

Well, technically for Sleep Goblin.

'Cuz she's cool.

I'm still too inebriated to type anything witty. Enjoy the audio though! It's strange!

It's Possible...

2005-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

These could be two of the reasons why only one girl (probably because she's wonderfully patient with me) has given me her phone number.

A gift given to Crystal.

A gift given to Ashley.

Dane has actually received many numbers, but maybe I'm a bad influence on him or something. My normally gentle, loving nature was subsumed by the fact that he had the numbers of two awesome hotties and we had access to soundboards.

I really am a bastard.

Because We Care

2005-10-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Lazy Link for Heather.

See? We care. Your very own audio post from us!

(Sleep, I know I still owe you one, but Heather was dejected. Gotta service the dejection first, baby.)

Allie, working on Angel theme. Coming along. Please more patience!

Spinning Girl, special song for you coming soon; one of my favorites!

[EDIT: Crystal tagged me!]
And awaaaay we go!
What bands/songs when they come on do you reach up and change?
The Cure, Anything rap, country, hip-hop, or R&B, Cher

What is currently underneath your bed?
Nothing. Everything is strewn about on the floor, so there's no need for anything to be under there.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?
Pizza. You never get sick of pizza.

Favorite character from The Simpsons?
Stampy the Elephant.

Favorite superhero?
Gravity

Worst hair disaster?
Second grade, half-inch bangs. I looked ridiculous.

Best Christmas present ever?
My cello.

Favorite sandwich filling/favorite thing to eat on toast?
Tuna

Worst advice you've ever been given?
Just go up and talk to girls, we like it!

Letterman or Leno?
Leno

What are you most afraid of?
Dying a life-long bachelor.

What position do you sleep in?
On my back; otherwise I stop breathing.

Would you rather freeze to death or burn?
Definitely freeze; much less violent.

Have you ever sucked dick for coke? If yes, then what are you doing later??
My word, no. I suck dick for free!

5 Funniest People:
1. Myself
2. Dane Cook
3. Henry Rollins
4. Dane
5. Tolbs

What singer/band would you like to perform with?
The Starting Line

What's your movie fantasy?
To be Thomas Jane as The Punisher. Any point in the movie.

Sometimes when you're walking around, do your balls get sweaty?
All the damn time.

I GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKING KNEW IT!

2005-10-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I give up. The universe is against me. There is no hope.

I had my weekly meeting with Kim today. She comes up to me and says, "I have news."

Me: What news?
Kim: She's dating someone.

Of fucking course she is! I should have known that the cosmos was simply not designed for a B.O.B.I. date.

There is only one more level I can sink to: Speed Dating. If I stoop that low, the horror and pain would probably be greater than simply accepting defeat. I mean, My God; I'm not even worthy of a FUCKING. BLIND. DATE. A blind date; one of the most pathetic areas to which to stoop for lonely bastards. I might as well admit I'm a loser.

So that's it. I give up. No more effort. No more trying to find "Her".
If there's someone out there, she's going to have to come here, because I have had it.
I am sick and tired of playing a game to which I know no rules, nor am I even aware whether or not the other "player" is playing.

That's it. I'm off. No more pursuing. No more stupid conversations. No more inane babble regarding shit about which I care very little.

I'm done.

I'ma curl up with my Boppy, Oscar, and Omar Wang Hau Peppelu Tivrusky IV. G'night.

[EDIT: Gotta get this off me chesty. Then I'm done.]
Ya know what I hate?
When you cough up some phlegm?
And it tasts all salty and kinda halfway good?
But thanks to society, you're like a freak for nearly enjoying the briny taste of your own snot?
Which was down your throat in the first place?
So it's not like you even picked your nose or something?
And when you spit it out, there's blood in it?
So your overreactive mom drives you to the impatient doctor's office?
And he tells you that you have a malignant tumor?
And all you really wanted was a tongue scraper to make that slick feeling go away?

Don't you hate that?

I hate that.

The Third Installment

2005-10-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

We decided to test Fate and created this.

Actually, Crystalpistol asked us to. Either or; makes no difference.

Oh, yeah: U s.

Drunk.

Enjoy.

Did I mention that I love Spinning Girl and Dane loves someone named Barbara? You're our favorites.

FEEL HONORED!

Things getting hazy; time to fall over.

Women Want to Do Me Based Solely on My Brain

2005-10-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

Today in class I minded myself and my classmates just how fantastical my brain is.
We were discussing some Chinese literature and one of the subjects was "What is the potential of hypocrisy in language?"

Engrossed in discussing this oddly-phrased question, I was trying to get to the root of the problem. Finally, I said, "Language makes lying possible."

Think about that for a minute. Chew it around a while. Praise my astounding intellect and ability to put together a simple yet elegant sentence which is, simultaneously, a philosophical mind-bender.

Marvel at me, women of the world. I know you want some.

Also, somebody drew a picture of Singe on the blackboard at school today! Lucky him!

Oh yeah, remember a little while back I did that fun list of stuff I'd like to see come back? Well, I wanna start a game of Tag! I tag:
My Heart
One of My Mentors
Joss Whedon's Biggest Fan
My Hawt Blog Sister
The Harriest of Yak-kind
My Other Internet Girlfriend
AND
My Hot Momma.

Now get crackin'!

Fireside Tales

2005-10-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

[Author's Note: The preliminary section of this post is in response to the wonderful, myriad comments from the previous post.]

Wait, was that your dream or mine? 'Cuz it was nice. Real nice.

As for the Photoshoppery of Woman-Crushes, I have no idea what you're talking about. I've done no such thing.

Regarding the "body language" stuff... I remember a lot of things pretty clearly (halfway decent photographic memory) and I don't remember any girls ever brushing up against me. I'd definitely remember the naughty bits part. As for telling me, that certainly has yet to happen.

Ok, seriously, NOBODY knows what "E nomini Patri, et Fili, Spiritu Sancti" means?

Nobody does the Sign of the Cross anymore? Nobody knows Latin root words anymore? Nobody sees the word "Spirit" in "Spiritu"?

Blah, fine. It means "In the name of the Father, and (of the) Son, and (of the) Holy Spirit".
Now go watch it. Sleepy G, I know for a fact they're not priests. I'm close to memorizing the movie by now. :P

[Main Post Meat of DOOM]
Gather 'round chilluns. Johnny, sit the fuck down and shut up. Listen to my story.
Now you all remember Uncle B.O.B.I., right? Most unconfident sex master there ever was. He'd had trouble all his life getting girls to notice him. In fact, you've all heard stories before now of his dating mis/nonadventures. And now it's time for another one. Would you like that?

::crowd hisses and boos::

Well too the fuck bad. It's all I got for tonight.
A ways back, when B.O.B.I. was just starting to emerge from his shell, he played the cello in the Austin High School Orchestra. Every two years, the Orchestra, Band, and Choir would go on a short trip to some part of the U.S. where they would take in a fantastic concert and perform one themselves. It was usually a good time.

In early 2002, B.O.B.I. was a senior in high school. He had had a wonderful year of fun and surprises and it was time for one more before graduation. As luck would have it, the Orchestra trip was taking place that year. He and the Orchestra would be going to St. Louis. It wasn't the most exciting destination, but it was decently far away from Austin, so nobody complained too much.

After a very long bus ride, B.O.B.I. and his classmates arrived in St. Louis. As they drove through downtown, a spectacle quickly caught everyone's eyes. It was a Saturday night and apparently the night of the Prom for a local High School. It was taking place at a large, luxurious hotel (I forget the name) and everyone their looked amazing. The kids were arriving in horse-drawn carriages, limousines, and the old, much better-looking Hummers. It was certainly a sight to be seen.

Before I continue, you should know about B.O.B.I.'s conductor, Mr. Burkhart. He was a cool cat, and apart from music, he rather fancied "studying" physics. B.O.B.I. and Mr. B had hit it off on this subject a while back and would regularly discuss matters of life, the universe and everything. As such, they could have been considered "friends". Also as such, some gentle needling (according to Mr. B) was not unwarranted.

Now as the Orchestra passed the richest-looking Prom in any of their lives, Mr. B picked up the bus's microphone. He asked the bus, "Hey, who wants to go to Prom?"

All the young women on the bus screamed and hollered. One or two of the boys may have thrown up the horns. B.O.B.I. was never interested in dancing, but in his mind he wouldn't have minded going.

Then Mr. B dropped a bomb on B.O.B.I.'s nuts.

"Who wants to go to Prom with B.O.B.I.?"

The bus went eerily silent. After a few seconds had passed and B.O.B.I. nearly becoming apopleptic with indignation, three or four girls in the back ducked their heads and "hooted" softly.

Mr. B immediately regretted his actions, but attempted to smooth it over by saying, "You know I do it 'cuz I love you, Bo." Needless to say, it didn't smooth things over very well. More than one orchestral member suggested taking Mr. B to the Prom.

Of course, after the Incident, B.O.B.I. did not stoop to asking any of the young women from his school. No, he merely acquiesced to accepting a "date" from a girl who wanted to attend the Austin High Prom with her friends, even though she attended Blooming Prairie High School. She gave him something like three dances.

Well, chilluns, that's the end of my story. Johnny, I'm calling your mother. While I do, go get the fire extinguisher and put that out.

Part Deux

Anybody still get asked for Birthday lists? Do you remember when you were a kid and you could fill up a notebook with stuff you wanted? Do you remember losing the ability to think of things you want or even need? Now it's all I can do to think of one item.

B.O.B.I.'s Mom: Honey, what do you want for your birthday? I need ideas.
B.O.B.i.: Ummm... I, uhh.... pffffff.... I dunno. Maybe an... no, got that. I'd like a.... how about an apple pie?
B'sM: Honey, I make that for your birthday dinner. What about presents?
B: Daahhhh... gimme like five minutes. I gotta lay down.

Finally, after straining my cranium and (I think) bursting a vessel, I came up with a couple ideas.

B: Ok, how about some work pants, flannel underwear and a couple red shirts?
B'sM: That's it? You don't want anything fun?
B: Fun? Like what?
B'sM: I dunno, what do you like to do?
B: I like... I dunno, I like wearing non-threadbare clothes.
B'sM: ::is exasperated:: Ok, fine. Clothes. Clothes I can handle.

This has been happening the last couple of years. She wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas and all I could think of was that I needed a pizza stone and I was too lazy to buy it myself. So under the tree was a nice, new stone.

Don't get me wrong, it was awesome. I love getting things that I want. But the things I really, really want... For them, I cannot ask.

B: Mom, I could really use a two-way plane ticket to Connecticut.
B'sM: For what could you possibly need a plane ticket to Connecticut?
B: I want to go find (somehow) a school teacher with whom I blog back and forth and woo her in person, followed by naughty things the likes of which I feel incredibly uncomfortable discussing with you.
B'sM: B, that's crazy. I'm taking you to the psychiatric ward.

Ah well... at least I have uber-comfortable flannel boxers to which I can look forward.

Preview of Next Post:
Retarded computer, download not! Posts all of they broken! Links not work, Blogger be formatting for great ergonomics and windfall! You shit!

[EDIT: I got this from Singe]

Instructions:
1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Results:
Now then...

There is something wrong with me.

Excerpted from Ersatz.

Fuck Me, It's Saturday Night

2005-10-01T20:22:00.001-07:00

You know what that means.

Yep, Drunk B.O.B.I.

You're probably wondering what I'll ramble about. Well, to alleviate your confusion, I'll make a simple numerical list.

1. I love Spinning Girl. She lights up my sad, little life. Thanks for spending some of your amazingly valuable time on me, Fuzzlekitty.

2. Serenity kicked a lot of ass. Period. Yay, Joss Whedon!

3. Boondock Saints remains one of the best movies EVAR. If you haven't watched it, it's like $10. Go buy it and be changed. E nomini Patri, et Fili, Spiritu Sancti, bitches.

4. I really wish I had someone (female) to make out with.

5. If Square (still not dignifying Enix with an acknowledgement of their existence) doesn't port FFVII to the PS3, not only should they all be shot, but I will be the one to shoot them. I can't just watch Advent Children and the PS3 demo video over and over and not want the re-release.

6. How come nobody owns a koala?

7. I've come to the realization that if I could talk as well as I write, I might have a shot at meeting women. But then I likely wouldn't know any of you. Funny how that works.

8. Speaking Chinese is way harder than reading/writing/listening to it.

9. I own Rock Lords. And they're still fun with which to play.

10. I love Spinning Girl.

Getting woozy. Must stop typing coherent sentences and numbered lists.

Maybe drink more beer.

Arbitrarily Placed Picture of My Favorite Rock Lord With the Sole Intent of Further Off-Pissing Andrew "You Suck at the Internet" Tolbert.

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

2005-09-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

Lazy link.

Kimberlina, I knew there was a reason ondori (which is a male rooster) was in katakana! Nice try, though! It was a little poorly worded, but I understood your intent.

Spinning Girl, Heart of Hearts, Exemplar of Femininity and Sharp-Witted Keenness, I'm sorry I've failed you in my efforts at updating. I hope this tides you over until tomorrow. Oh, you, too, Sleep Goblin.

So until then, all my internet hotties, just take a stroll through my archives again. I'm continually amazed by some of the stuff I've come up with. You should be, too. :P

I love you all! (Spinning Girl most, of course)

Near Deathocity

2005-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

So as soon as I walked in the door today, Dane walked out of his room, into mine and gave me a huge hug. I was so surprised I actually fell onto the bed. For a second I thought he'd finally cracked and went all gay. (Sorry, ladies, no such luck for you)

Finally I managed to croak, "So... what's up?"

Dane: I almost died.

Me, alarmed: Holy shit, what happened?

He then related to me how he had spun out of control on I-35 and the car behind him had been unable to brake and thusly brought his car into a decidedly non-amorous kiss with Dane's jeep.

Dane is fine, and his Jeep looks remarkably well for having been in an accident. The other gent and his harpie of a significant other, however, fared less well. Dane says the entire front looks like a dismantled piece of ass.

So, thank God my heterosexual lifemate is alive and well. I suggest you all (as I commented earlier) go offer a little sympathy/empathy/whatever, because he's been curled up in his room all day, preoccupied with being all shook up.

If none of you noticed earlier, Courtney of The B.O.B.I., Kim, and Courtney Conversation fame commented on "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!" with a vote of confidence and some support of my claims. Thanks, Courtney! And yeah, I'm a bit afeard of you.

Arbitrarily placed picture of a cute little puffin!

Arbitratily Placed Picture and Caption courtesy of Andrew Tolbert, Copyright 2005

[EDIT] Monkey, an individual named Omar Wang Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV showed up today. Sez he's yer cousin. He jest kinda came in, picked his butt and used the compy for awhile. You know this guy?

From Mediocrity to Lucrativity

2005-09-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh. Thanks, Crystal!

Xander Harris.

Who's your male Buffy soul mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news, I was working today and I had to backstock a bunch of DVD box sets.

When the mother fuck did all the crap shows from all over time become classic enough to warrant sale on DVD?

I present, for your edification, some merch that I would loathe to handle, much less sell:
Roseanne
Andy Griffith Show
Real World
Sex and the City
The OC
Will & Grace
Once and Again

I fucking hated that last one. My mom insisted watching it as a replacement for "My So-Called Life"

Side note: I managed to procure this for my mom for her birthday. At the time it had just gone out of production, so I had to wait about a month for them to find a backorder copy. Now Target is selling it. SunuvaBITCH!

The point is, "Once and Again" was a crap show with crap writing. The characters all pissed me off. Then there's Gabmore Girls and Roseanne. More annoying women I am unable to name.

What happened to really good shows? They get booted. Firefly. Angel. Invader Zim. Smallville. (I know there's another season, but they're cancelling it for the damn movie!)

What the fuck is wrong with TV execs?

And while I'm on entertainment, what the shit happened to quality movies? I have to put up with shit like "Fever Pitch", while back in the day I could watch quality films like "Working Girl" or "An American Tail"? C'mon, who doesn't remember and love Fievel Mousekewitz? How awesome was that movie?

Somewhere... oooouuuut there... beneath the pale moonliiiight....

Ok, I gotta kick it. I need to hit a 24 hour movie rental store.

Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone for your concern! I'm much better now. I promise if I ever win the lottery, or at the latest when I get filthy rich off of my sweet job that I'll land someday, I will visit each and every one of you and give you a big, B.O.B.I. hug!

Well, except for Spinning Girl.
She gets a hug and a piece of candy 'cuz she's so sweet.

[EDIT] Thanks to Iamme for the vote of confidence on "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit".
And yeah, C, I'm a bit afeard! Ha!

Tagged & Bagged

2005-09-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Logtar tagged meh. In spite of my sickly haze (more on this in a sec) I'll try to bust out some answers.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
~Kiss a woman
~Marry
~Get a real job
~Go to Japan
~Buy something that costs over $2000 because I feel like it
~Somehow make money off my website
~Meet Spinning Girl

7 things i can do:
~Play the cello
~Speak 4 languages (not fluently; Logtar's got me beat :P)
~Make music with my teeth
~Make my eyes wiggle and/or cross reeeaaaaaaally slow
~Be funny
~Play soccer
~Chew gum

7 things i cannot do:
~Get serious about school
~play the tambourine
~Swim well
~Meet women
~Understand economics
~Appreciate most art
~Skateboard

7 things that attract me to another person:
~Sense of humor
~Honesty
~Kindness
~Intelligence
~Eyes
~Butt
~Breasts

7 celebrity crushes
~Spinning Girl
~Jessica Alba
~Erica Durant
~Alison Mack
~Natasha Richardson
~Monkey
~Thomas Jane

7 Things I say the most
~Fuckin' Aye!
~What the mother fuck?!
~SunuvaBITCH!
~You KNOW this!
~...to make room for the tunaaa!
~SING!? *pause* SING!?!
~So, I was fucking this chick in the ass last night...

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm feeling ill today. I believe it to be the pizza I ate last night. It wasn't bad, per se, but it didn't taste right. "Oh well," I thought. "Sometimes you just don't bake it right."

Then, at about 4 am, I am sent running to the toilet, where I spent a lot of time from 4 to after 10. I'm currently starving, yet the thought of food brings back a feeling that makes me want to stay close to the toilet. Plus I've been exhausted the whole time and I'm really really frickin' cold. My roommate is in a t-shirt and I have two pairs of socks, heavy khaki pants, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt on. And I'm under the covers. Thank God my Computatory Box is at the foot of my bed or I'd go stir crazy.

Crap, I gotta go hang with the toilet again.
Later, all.

DAYUMN QUIZZES! I CAIN'T STAWP!

2005-09-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

BLAH. I typed a whole post out and for some reason it deleted itself when I tried to publish. I took a few quizzes off of Fritz's blog. Screw it, I don't care enough to go into it again.

The Boy/Girl quiz said I was 80/20. That's cool, but I don't agree with what it says about my personality.

The Keys to my Heart Quiz was also a little off, but I really don't feel like retaking them right now.

I also had a very odd dream that I wanted to tell you about. In truncated form:
I fought people in my high school hallway. Some were from work, some were friends.
My High School crush kept giving me disgusted looks.
I knew Kung Fu and kicked a lot of ass.
The Walt Disney monster from Robot Chicken was the boss. I defeated him with a Crane. (ya know, with the prizes and stuff)
The crane turned into a toy-dropper in the room of two little boys. I tried to give an airplane to the younger. The older got it.
A flash of lightning revealed a dead/undead girl standing next to me.
I wakes up.

Weird, eh?

This one better publish.

snort

2005-09-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

You women crack me up. The comments on "Back That Ass Up" were really funny... and hot. Crystal, I'ma need you to report to my room immediately for a special viewing of the video material. Spinning Girl can come, too.

Michaela, I still don't see all that much of my undies, but I guess I'll have to leave it at that.

Monica, you get in on it by asking.

So, Allie's nickname is now Dirty Dancin' Debby. I know she (for whatever reason) likes dancing, so now she gets a hot, seductive name related to her bizarre passion. Wear it well.

Monica, you're Diddleskins 'cuz I like vague, sexual euphemisms and that one sounds particularly naughty, just like you.

And like I promised my one and only, I have written a short poem.

She's smart and a beauty.
She knows what she teaches.
I've called her a cutie;
I want to take her to beaches.

Over the 'net we've chatted,
Over the web we have spake.
But all I've seen is her eyes, batted
Towards my small blogging stake.

I wish I could know her
More and further and better;
Call her "Missus" and she, me, "Sir"
And speak of all things sans fetter.

Things like Tolkien and science
Or how pretty she is.
Subjects from lying to lions
Or how she should be in show biz.

But we're merely two buddies dear;
Two posting, joking friends.
We'll just keep talking and chatting here
Until this whole blog craze ends.

At least, I hope it's that long.

Here's to you, sweet thing.

And now for something completely different:

A Few Things Of Which I'd Like To See The Return
1. Prohibition
2. Crystal Pepsi
3. Slap bracelets
4. The United Soviet Socialist Republics
5. Ghandi
6. The 17/1800s tradition of a man and his wife sleeping in two different beds.
7. Christian Slater
8. Pogo sticks
9. FORTRAN
10. Key parties

As a side note, I really do want to see the return of #6. I told that to my Japanese friend, Maiko and she said, "Ahh! You will make your wife cry!!" Perhaps, but for right now it's silly to me and I'm wifeless, so the point is moot.

[EDIT]Tolbs is awesome:
[23:38] tolbs7: 2 different beds?
[23:38] tolbs7: wtf
[23:38] bobifro: lol never heard of that?
[23:38] tolbs7: you marry the girl you have the right to smother her

[EDIT 2x] The Kim Issue has been (mostly) resolved. Thanks anyway, Yak!

Back That Ass Up

2005-09-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

Kim wasn't there last night.
No phone number.
No idea when or if this'll happen.

Blah.

Man, that's depressing. Better use a joke to lighten the mood.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the other dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the other baby.

Why did the third dead baby cross the road?

Peer pressure.

Ah, Frisbee... How Do I Love Thee?

2005-09-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

Man, is it beautiful today! What weather! It's deserving of frisbee or something!

And that's just what Dane and I did!

We also took a little video! Won't you watch with us?

Dane and B.O.B.I. throwing some disc.

Warning: B.O.B.I. sans shirt. Watch at your own risk!

By the way, thanks to everyone for their votes of confidence and advice.
However, I have some questions:
Shanshu: The whole time? Like, through dinner and whatever? Sounds uncomfortable.

Allie: What if she likes the fake me better? I'm a good actor; I could keep it up for thirty years...

Des: Glad you liked the limerick! I just sat at the computer without any pants on and the rest came easily. I don't have to wait? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I heard that somewhere. I'm trusting you on this one!

Rowan: Touch my face or neck or something? If you could explain that one, I'd appreciate because I have no idea how that figures into anything.

Ashley: What's a "move"? Put my arm around her? Try to kiss her? Hold her hand? Bust out a small dance routine?

Fritz: Don't wait at all? Not presumptuous?

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!

2005-09-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morn, I experienced what I consider to be quite the surreal conversation. I'll try to write down as much of it as I can, but I know I'll leave a few lines out. First, I promised a limerick to Des!

Des is a real funny blogger; it's true!
Harry Yak looks at her pic when he's blue.
She knows about sex sounds
Her knowledge (praaly) abounds
So she's praaly real great in bed, too!

Added bonus for Heather, who wanted a nickname. Your wish is granted!
Heather, when I seduce you, I'll call you... Rough Stuff Roxanne. Yyyeeeeaaahhh. "Riser" for short. Ya know, cuz you get a "rise" out of me.

Giggity giggity giggity! OH!

[EDIT] Thanks to Sleep Goblin for the test link! I am...

Outcast Genius
73 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 65% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society
wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent
and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the
world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it
can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their
friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being
outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many
other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to
eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast
Genius.

Congratulations!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 86% on nerdiness
You scored higher than 90% on geekosity
You scored higher than 97% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating

And now, let's introduce you to the characters.

B.O.B.I.: The protagonist. All-around great fella, boyfriend material, and certified Genius Relative to Things Which Don't Matter. Also quite sexy.

Kim: Co-worker to B.O.B.I. Pretty cool lady, still kinda hot after marriage and kids (but not like Ashley) and durn funny. (Speaking of Ashley, delivery of a reply e-mail failed. Re-trying from both bobi@ersatzgeeks.com and huhbenchichang@gmail.com)

Courtney: One of B.O.B.I.'s many supervisors. Also durn funny and likes to dole out advice, but in a much cruder respect than my Hot Momma.

It begins with me preparing to leave work at the front office. Kim and Courtney are talking about some couple on the floor team.

B: Hey, speaking of couples, is Tami seeing anyone?
K: Haha! Yeah, she's engaged.
C: *nod*
B: Sonofabitch, everyone's getting married!
C: Sure seems like it.
K: I guess.
C: Dude, you should have just practiced on Sonja.
B: Huh?
K: Oh, dude, she was all over you!
B: Huh?
K: The first week I was here, I saw you two and I was like, "Wow! Flirt much?"
B: Huh?
K: Oh, come ON you two were always talking and laughing...
C: Yeah, dude! She'd come up here and talk to YOU. Not us, you. Remember?
B: Well, I guess, but...
K: No, she was sooo coming on to you.
B: Nawww...
K: She was, I'm telling you. And you were doing it back!
B: I was not! We were joking around and being stupid!
C: What do you think flirting is?
B: ...
C: Too bad, guess you blew that one.
B: Whatever.
K: You seriously had no idea? You had to think SOMEthing!
B: No clue. I'm fuggin' blind.
K: That's it. You're going on a blind date with my friend Andrea. She's 25, she has a house!
B: A house? That sounds real grown-up and stuff.
C&K exchange looks.
C: Just do it, Brian, you need the experience BAD.
K: I'm gonna give you her number next time and you're calling her, pronto!
B: Well, ok... but
K: No, no buts! It's time. It's past time. I bet your mother tells you this, too.
B: I think my mom thinks I'm gay.
K: HAHAHA! It's definitely time for you to do this, then! You'll thank me later.

Does anybody else think this just totally got away from me? And now I have an incoming blind date. A God-motherfucking-damn REAL DATE. Like, with a girl and shit!

I'm a little nervous.

What the fuck am I gonna do? I've never done this! I don't know what I'm doing! What should I wear!? What if I can't think of stuff about which to conversate!? Oh God... What have I gotten myself into!? If this happens, what are the rules?! Do I offer to pick her up or just say I will!? You wait to try kiss until the third date, right!? No physical contact until it's ok with her! Gentleman picks up the tab! Stand up when she stands up! Open the door for her! Outside fork is for salad! Let the buyer beware! Shit, I need dance lessons! The square of the third side, provided it is opposite a right angle, is equal to the sum of the squares of the first two sides! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

::hyperventilates::

::passes out::

[EDIT 2x] This is purely coincidental and a little freaky at the same time.

Color me fibbing!

2005-09-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

Those assclowns at school took the damn sign down! Now, not only has the CLit moved, I don't know where to, and I can't obtain pictorial proof of its movement! Sonofabitch!

Oh well. There are other things upon which I may commentate. Ashley's, Crystal's, Fritz's, Sleep Goblin's, Rowan's, and of course Spinning Girl's sexy nicknames. I promised them to Ashley, only, but the rest of you might as well enjoy them, too!

Ashley: I can't beat "Wonder Woman". That's just too hot! If you really want something original, though, how about "She Who Walks On The Sand, Nude"? That could be nice.
Crystal: "Swingin' Sally". I keep sayin', "Nothing sexier than a woman into Buffy and chicks named Christy."
Fritz: "Booboo Kitty Fuck". Straight from Jay's mouth, you get the worst nickname ever for a woman I want to bang because we bicker.
Sleep Goblin: "Sex Malone". I admit I have no idea where that one came from, but you're sexy and I like the name Malone, so there it is.
Rowan: It's fairly simple for you. I'd call ya "Hot Momma" the whole night long! Unless you had a different idea. I've been given to understand you get your way in bed.
Spinning Girl: You're the light of my bloglife and therefore deserve something special. You are "Fuzzlekitty". Doesn't it just make you want to crawl into my lap and purr? I bet it does.

There's another promise I made to Sleep Goblin's that must be fulfilled! You asked for it, you got it!
I know a hot babe who's a goblin.
All the sleep she steals, all the food she's a gobblin'.
But that is still sexy!
I don't want an anorexy.
Yeah, the "wood" she "gave" me has me hobblin'!

And as an added bonus (Sleep Goblin, you lucky girl, you!) I've made a very very short audio post just for you!

On a more serious note, Crystal, I wanted to apologize for what may have been unkind words on your blog. I had a very drawn out talk with someone (not Dane) yesterday about the psychological differences of the male and female perceptions of sex. (We actually just talked about sex in general because I have a lot of questions, still, but a large portion was directed to the male/female perceptiony thing) While I still don't understand much, I know that what I wrote doesn't capture my feelings on the subject at all, nor is it very funny. I hope it wasn't ill-received.

Because I don't want to end on a "down" note, here's a little fun something from the incredibly disturbed minds of myself and Tolbs. Hope you like it!

I'd attempt to explain where this came from, but I don't know if any of you are truly ready, yet, to delve into our chaotic psyches. We've thus far offered you mere pale and short glimpses... Dare not tread further into that treacherous domain!

::villainous laugh::

Man, I'm spooky!

[EDIT] Got this from Des. It's only two questions long, and those questions don't accurately capture my undies, but it did come eerily close to how I feel about them.

What Your Underwear Says About You

You have a lucky pair of underwear. And you wear it more than you should.

You're not afraid to lay around resting your hand in your pants.

The Underwear Oracle

[EDIT 2x] AWWW SON OF A BITCH! I HAD to take a look at the Who's Your Daddy quiz. God-mother-fucking-dammit! Why do I always get the lame results!?

Your Daddy Is Dick Cheney

What You Call Him: Papi

Why You Love Him: Because he's your baby daddy

Who's Your Daddy?

RE: Mute

2005-09-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

Picture (poorly) edited. I won't be able to draw in Photoshop (not really) until I get a lot more practice and a Waucom tablet. Hopefully it helped her feel just a little "better".

I don't want to place a moratorium on things around here; that's not what I'm about. If I knew anything about SG2's Mamaw, I'd even try to celebrate her a little. All I can say is, "I'm sure she stole more than her fair share of sleep in her time."

With that said, I'll try to get back to business. There's no rush, though; we all know things can get a little slow, especially on this blog, from time to time.

So if you please, take a gander at the previous post. Enjoy the limericks. Get a little horny. Give your partner (because most of you have one, ya lucky stiffs) a "how's your father" for me.

And raise a glass to Mamaw.

Mute

2005-09-19T18:50:00.001-07:00

A brief pause, please, for one who recently came into the pain of losing a loved one.

Maybe a prayer, too, if you're a religious type.

I hope this makes you feel a little better... if it doesn't, I'll of course take it down right away. (sorry about the retrace; it was really faint)

[EDIT]Sorry... I guess I'll try to adjust the picture tomorrow to better reflect the personage. I just saw "mamaw" and assumed.

Eat my dick, Lon Otto!

2005-09-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, Spinning Girl said something to the effect that I am someone who points out or notices life's oddities.

Forgive me for failing to memorize your every utterance, my lady.

The point remains that at the time I laughed. It was a nice thing to say, but given my history in my creative writing class, I was disinclined to believe her.

You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about. A few years ago I took a creative writing class wherein a daily assignment was to "notice" things about our world, observation skills being extolled by the professor, Lon Otto, as key talents for all writers. I had a hard time coming up with something every day. I just didn't see interesting stuff. He gave me a hard time in that class, and I fucking hate him. He was a bad teacher.

Regardless, after Spinning Girl made her statement, things started catching my eye. I swear I'm not looking for stuff... I just do a lot of double takes these days. I see foibles, odd mannerisms, hilarious words on pieces of paper taped to the wall by school officials...

Just for your reading pleasure I'd like to share a few with you.

Today my Chinese Mythology professor said, "The other day we had the perfect setup. Every group had two girls and one guy. You can't have two guys in a group, because they never shut up!" I and the other two men in my group looked at each other, looked at the lone girl who was decidedly not talking, and burst out laughing. It was such a bizarre thing to say, but it was true. The whole time the guys had gone back and forth and the girl (Nary) had just sat there, silent. I found this slightly sexist, but true and therefore funny. Try this sometime in your own groups... see what happens.

Later on, the professor was pontificating on something or another and his hand kept moving around. However, it was a repetitive motion, so my eye was drawn to it. He kept inserting his hand into the handle of a little milk crate in which he carried his stuff, pulling it out, turning it around, and reinserting it. He did it like ten times. I couldn't help wonder how the hell he picked up that habit.

Also related to this class, I had to read this passage in a handout: "Recent feminists have had much to say about the way Freud's formulation leaves out one-half of the human race, that is, all the women." (This is in reference to Oedipus Rex) Now, honestly... How "equal rights" is this gonna get?

*envision this next part spake with a grating, Harpie-like voice, reminiscent of B.O.B.I.'s idea of feminists*

"You men can't hog all the fucked-up, patricidal, incestuous feelings in the world! We get some, too!"

Finally (and I'm sorry for not having my camera with me today. Tomorrow, I promise a picture!) there was a sign posted outside the door by the Registrar's Office. A certain class had moved rooms. What was the abbreviated class name?

"CLit". Fucking awesome. The CLit has moved. Now you have to try finding it... again. I salute anyone who tries. I've never had a chance to look for the CLit; it (the chance) has just never presented itself to me.

::sigh:: Oh well... ::wistful gaze into the sky:: Someday...

Oh, and in response to some people's comments because I know we're all a little lazy sometimes...

Monkey: Sorry about your domicile. One banana tree on back-order from eBay. Hope you like it whenever it becomes available.
And now, your prize:
There once was a small little monkey.
His butt held some stuff which was chunky.
He grabbed a small pinch,
Moved his hand but an inch,
And plastered some poor little kid's Uncky.

Ashley: Sorry for calling you uptight; glad to hear you're not. Maybe now you can come on over sometime, you hottie, you! *wink*
You also get a prize for your remarkably accurate description of the sound! Have some experience in the department, sexy?
Ashley was hot for a blogger.
She was hot anywhere; guys would dog 'er!
She wears nice, tight pants
And undies from France
And B.O.B.I. and Dane want to snog 'er!

Heather: Having Llama troubles? Do you use Firefox? Keep in touch; I want to spread the llama-y wealth!

Crystal: Yeah, baby. I gots a wooden implement for ya. And honey, I been jealous since I first visited your blog. Do us all a real big solid? Give Ashley a sloppy one and take a picture.
::pause::
My, I certainly am vulgar today.

Fritz: Sorry, cutie, I'm not the one. Wish I was. I also wish I could have a six way with you, Crystal, Ashley, Sleep Goblin and Spinning Girl. Oh well. Too bad, so sad.
::bickers with Fritz::
[EDIT] Since I'm bad at getting all of peoples' updates, here's a belated limerick to Fritz for including me in the kick-ass Blog Ode!
A blogger exists who's named Fritz.
She's cool with nice naughty bitz.
She rhymes really well
Better than I can; she's swell!
Now if only she'd show us her... skirt.

HY: Sorry, man, no time for yaks. That's what your blog is for, my friend. I really am sorry, but your militant yaks have no place here. We'll have to broker a peace some other way.

Calzone: Fuck it. Let's share. Dibs on backdoor! Woohoo!
*note: I am steadily getting crazier as I type this, in case you can't tell. I think I need sleep, but I'm not tired. Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!*

Rowan: (reiteration of comment) Hahahaha I bet you own one of those keyboards. Gotta keep that other hand free to double click your... ::looks left and right:: "mouse".
[EDIT 2x] You asked for it, I gots it!
I know a lady name Rowan; she's cool!
Sexy and kinky; praaly done it at the pool.
She gives me helpful advice
She's so awfully nice
And that red hair, it just makes me drool!

Spinning Girl: Screw those bastards. I'll shiver your timber any day of the week.
Gyarrrr!
::throws Spinning Girl over his shoulder and stumps off into the sunset::

Ok, I think I ran out of shit to say. Tune in later when I come down off this Sleep Deprivation High. Seriously, the only reason I'm not bouncing off the walls is because then I couldn't type. That will be swiftly rectified, however.

Wait for it...

GO!

Gyarrr

2005-09-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

This has been brought to my attention by Tolbs. Thanks, Tolbs. Tomorrow (Monday, Sept 19th) is National Talk Like A Pirate Day. For those of you in other countries, let's spread the fun; make it International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Do your best. Shiver me timbers. And swab the poop deck!

Gyarrrr...

In other news, (thanks again, Tolbs) this seems almost too good to be true. Don't get too hopeful as you read; it would suck a lot if it didn't come to passs. Just allow yourself to dream a little bit... how awesome would it be...?

How fun would it be...?

How kick-ass would it be... to fucking stick it to the FUCKING OIL COMPANIES!?

Fuck yeah.

Fuck, Tolbs just keeps sending me shit. This must have been made by an all-man company. I especially like the shift key. "Shift" and "Shift shift"... for when you REALLY need to shift!

Keep it shifty, bitches and hos!

HEHEHEHEHEHE!

2005-09-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Monkey for inadvertently leading me to my new pet! He's over there! Under the links! Isn't he cute?! I played with him all afternoon!

Oh, and an explanation to Monkey (and the rest of you) on Monkey's link name: In High School, we (a buddy and I) somehow imagined a monkey. It was a good monkey. Then one day the monkey became bad. He got into the medicine cabinet at the big hospital. The monkey was very smart and he figured out how to open one of the little bottles in the cabinet. He couldn't read, though. He didn't know the bottle was marked, "Experimental PCP". He didn't know that eating the round little tasties would forever change him into a deranged hellbeast. He didn't know the snake which was inexplicably sneaking up behind him and subsequently bit him had rabies. At the end of the day, the little monkey was hopped up on high-end PCP and had rabies. He went on a feces-flinging spree. He was so crazed and powerful that he threw the feces as fast as bullets. And that is how our sweet little monkey became known as The Fecal Bullet. You know he's near when you hear his deranged call:
"Aboodaboodaboodaboodaboodaboodabooda!"

Conjecturate, dammit!

2005-09-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

What the hell? Play the game, people! Guess that sound! We'll pass out prizes!
Everybody who gets it right gets a filthy poem or limerick composed for him or her and about him or her!

So get postulating!

Audiogasm

2005-09-17T19:24:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the long-awaited 2nd audio post from Dane and me! We really hope you enjoy it.

If you are the butt of a sexual joke and did not appreciate it, we're sorry.
If you are not the butt of a sexual joke and did not appreciate it, we're sorry.
If you are the butt of a sexual joke and appreciate it, e-mail me for my phone number.
If you are not the butt of a sexual joke and appreciate it, why the hell are you here?

Note on audio posts: Please try to download them and listen to them from your own computer rather than streaming them in the interest of saving bandwidth. I still have plenty, but if this thing is as funny as I think it is... there's gonna be some listening going on.

Thanks for your attention! I'd do any and all of you who happen to be female!
(SG has dibs)

State of the Blog Address

2005-09-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to check my kick-ass old school missive (next post down) to Spinning Girl. Damn, sometimes I can just write so sexy!

However, there is business to discuss here and it is not how awesome my letters can become. Harry Yak gave me a piece of his mind last night and he made a good point. Long story short, I've been entertaining a good number of people all summer and have made some excellent friends plus an e-hottie to whom I can't stop sending e-mails. Honestly, just as SG said a ways back, there's a whole life, a whole family here. There's the two older brothers I've always wanted. That sister you occasionally bicker with. The mother figure and the weird uncle who gives you advice all the time. Then, of course, there's the hot cousins for whom you have funny feelings. And how complete could my life be without the girlfriend?

However, Yak told me I had an obligation to you all. It's been becoming all take and no give. I know this; I've been busy and haven't been posting as much. And for that I really am sorry. I know I make most of you laugh with a lot of the things I write and that makes me so happy I could burst. But the reality is, I'm in school and that comes first. I get tired so easily these days that when I come home, I usually just fall asleep for awhile and wake up a few hours later, merely to exhaust myself on homework. I don't want to depress anyone; I'm sure we all know what being in school is like, so I hope you can understand my position. I want to post more often, I really do, but school is taking up most of my creative juices.

Again, I don't want to depress anyone. I'm certainly not leaving. Fuck that. You guys provide me with a measure of sanity and support without which I don't know what I'd do. Yak suggested to me that I jot things down during the day and make smaller, "blurb" posts when I get home. I kinda like it, though I may have to resort to lists at some point. Not that there's anything wrong with lists, I just really like doing my own thing.

As a final note, this isn't the weekend post. I know you want funny, and funny you shall have. I just had to get the LOTR Challenge and this explanation out of the way first. Before I close, however, may I suggest a perusal of my archives whenever you're experiencing a B.O.B.I. dry spell? (Not you, SG, I know you already did that, you sweet and sexy thing) A word of caution, however: my very first post ever is me at my most morose. If you don't like sad, weepy B.O.B.I. you might not want to read that one.

So there you have it. I know it's not the best arrangement, or even an arrangement per se; it's kind of like an intended course of quasi-action, if anything. But I know if we work together on this, I can keep you laughing for a good long while now.

One of my aides will field questions.
Good night and God bless.

::cues "Hail to the Chief" as he walks offstage::

After a long and wearying journey...

2005-09-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

My current quest is finally complete. May fortune favor me, that my lady shall not be displeased. Her countenance, radiant as the sun and her charms, bountiful as the ocean deep... may she find fit to bless me with their presence this day.

Answer the First: (R) Gwaihir, Lord of Eagles?
Answer les Deux: (R) His cookware?
Answer Three: (R) Mathom
Answer 2X2: (R) Azog
Answer 5!/4!: (R) Tom Bombadil

Lady, know that you have taxed even the limits of my researching skills, and though this sport gives me pleasure hitherto unknown to me, I must rest anon. When I am better able to serve you your own quest which you will undoubtedly find plain and unchallenging, I shall. Until then, I hold you in my mind and heart.

-Beren

The Words Don't Exist

2005-09-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

"Gather again and devote your time..."
"To those who loved this world once before and spent time with its friends..."

Those words are close, but they don't do near enough justice to what must be felt by the viewer.

Before I go on...
Thank you, Tolbs, for cluing me in.
Thank you, Squaresoft (I refuse to acknowledge Enix in this endeavor) for making the BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

And thank you, loyal readers, for the support on the previous post. All I needed was a little time, but by a twist of fate I recieved that which can cure any malady...

You've guessed aright, my friends... I have seen Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

I griped, I groaned, I pissed and moaned... I cursed Enix to the bottom of their black hearts for their (doubtless) interference which (must have) delayed the movie so many times.

I am utterly certain, now, that it was entirely worth the wait.

The most beautiful story I've ever experienced has finally closed. Maybe that's a sad thing, but it's true what they say: the best stories end sadly.

And yet... I couldn't be happier. I haven't cried for a movie in a good long while.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go to an EB Games or the Squaresoft (still not acknowledging Enix) link above and order yourself a copy of Final Fantasy VII for the Sony Playstation or (if you're a freak like I am) PC. Play it, live it, love it. Then watch the movie. It will move the depths of your soul and shatter any preconceptions of what good stories and good action movies are.

I can't help but feel everything is just fine.

I also can't seem to write a decent conclusion to this post.

Blah

2005-09-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'd like to be funny today, I really would, but I'm getting increasingly stressed out and depressed as the day wears on. I don't really feel like going into it now; maybe later when I'm actually seeking solace. For now, though, I just wanted to get an update so the habit doesn't die down like it usually does.

Arbitrarily Placed Half-Ass-Attempt-At-Humor Sloth Picture.

What the...

2005-09-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, Spinning Girl has posted her questions, but I'm taking some time away from homework to talk to you people, so calm down. I'll get her answers tomorrow.

Jeez, I feel like the husband coming home from work, exhausted and the wife greets him with, "Well?" There's obviously something he's supposed to have done and he's pretty sure he knows what it is but for God's sake is it so much to ask to just relax for a few minutes? Maybe make out a little? C'mon, baby... just for a few?

It'll be fun. Come with me on a quick journey. Marvel at my brain, that it forgot something it did the other night.

"How's that," you ask?

"Let me show you some pictures and then a short explanation," I say!

I guess I took these pictures when I was severely inebriated on Saturday night. Let's try to roll into the past like an amorphous time-travelling machine, shall we? I'm guessing that since I had my camera with me and was very drunk, I decided to capture my wonderful self on film!

"What a philanthropist he is," you must be saying!
"How nice of him to share with us those kick-ass pictures," you're probably declaring.
"And he's really hot in that black shirt," you're all conjecturing.

::blush::

Oh, stop.

In other news, it rained today!
It didn't bother me too much, but I did feel a mite squishy for a while. The truly disturbing thing is that even after walking around with that much water on me, I still managed to start up a sweat after forty five minutes of hiking around Minneapolis. I hate that ugly combination to which heat and my genes add up. It's like I'm a spigot or something. Then, of course, on the AC'd bus ride home, I was fuggin' freezing. Blah.

So there's a couple of my days in a nutshell. Take it home, crack it open. Chew it around for awhile. Swallow it like a good girl or spit it out; your decision. I'm easy.

Tomorrow: SG's questions will be re-asked... and destroyed... BY ANSWERS!

Oh. My. Shit.

2005-09-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this brief; I know some of you are hurting today. Wounds like the ones we needn't mention never lessen or fade, but I hope you find some solace in better memories.

Onwards, then, to the nub of my gist!

In the interest of saving time and space, I won't break down the points much. Five, five, one (You researched and it's almost as south as Umbar; feel free to argue), five, two. Spinning Girl is awarded 18 points.

At this point, I almost want to submit to Spinning Girl. I got my ass handed to me. She bent me on over and rammed my ass with a 10' Tolkien Cocker. It hurt.

However, my male pride (such as is left) will not allow me to go down so lightly embarassed. I'm afraid I'll need a much harder spanking, my sweet Luthien, before I bow to you.

To The Clash of the Titans: Part Deux!

[Edit] Apparently I'm supposed to play SG's friend's game before I see her answers. Ok, why not?

1. Related::Belated
2. Soothing::Smoothies
3. Flashback::Total Recall
4. Turmoil::Gestation
5. Immense::Huge
6. Guitar::Cello
7. Nonsense::B.O.B.I.
8. Blame::Name
9. Childlike::Red rubber ball
10. Duff::Beer

Hm. I think those answers mean I'm lame or something.

Consider Yourself Clashed, My Lady!

2005-09-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

1. (R) Arwen.
2. (R) A grey box of dust which he uses to refertilize the Shire.
3. (R) Celebrian (still no accents, dammit!) is Galadriel's daughter. She received a poisoned wound from Orcs and even though she was healed, she chose to remove to the Undying Lands.
4. (I'm going to ask for a 4 point question, because I knew who Hasufel was, I swear!)(.5R)
Hasufel is the young man (boy by some reckoning) that Aragorn comforts before the Battle of Helm's Deep. Arod is the horse (Arod="swift") given to Legolas/Gimli by Eomer.
5. (R) Faramir Took I.

I'm guessing you took those questions off the top of your head, so I'll strive to do the same.
1. What is Fatty Bolger's real name?
2. Which Ring does Galadriel possess?
3. What is the southernmost region written on the map of Middle-Earth? (Third-age Edition)
4. What are the words for "One Ring" in the tongue of Mordor? (bonus point if you ever bothered to memorize the entire poem in "Mordorish")
5. What was the area/city/land ruled by Thingol called?

As a side note, this got no laughs? What the hell is wrong with you people?

And now, in order to return you to your regularly scheduled B.O.B.I.ness, a short editorial written by a llama.

Written by Mr. I. M. Allama

Hey there! How are ya? Doing good? Good. Hey, what's that? On your head there. That looks interesting. Mind if I take a look? You don't mind if I use my mouth, do you? I don't have opposable thumbs like you, ya lucky stiff. Hm. Kinda chewy. What do you call this? Hair? Interesting. Kinda stringy. Not too tasty, though. Maybe just a few bites. You don't mind. Oh! What's that? You have food for me! Well, don't mind if I do! What's that you say? That's a "camera"? Never heard of it. Interesting texture. Kinda bland, though. Hey! Where are you going? C'mere! What's that? This tastes good!

Oops! Sorry! You didn't like that sweater anyway. Oh, excuse me a moment... ahh, that feels better. Just gotta let it out, sometimes, ya know? Say, got anything else that needs eating? What's that thing on your back? That looks tasty. Mind if I take a bite? Just turn around for a second; I don't mean to impose, but it looks really good. Oops. Didn't mean to drool on you; I'm so embarassed! Here, I'll lick it off.
Oops.

Oh, ok. Bye then! Come back tomorrow! I bet you'll have plenty of stuff that needs eating tomorrow! I'll be MORE THAN GLAD TO HELP! OK!? BYE!

Not That I Was Trying...

2005-09-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

So I discovered that if need be, I can remain (mostly) awake for almost 46 hours and during that period subsist on only: two hamburgers, a handful of cereal bars and a handful of baby carrots. Plus water as needed.

HY, I left a "schedule" sheet in Jen's box. The main reason I've gotten no sleep is because one of my classes spontaneously shifted around (cocksuckin' prof) and now I have to cut Thursdays out. With all the time I'm forced to spend on campus because of the lame-ass buses, I think I'm just going to cut down to two days and get a stupid campus job. I know you've already reworked my schedule once, so I'm sorry if this fucks things up. Just try to believe me when I say I really have been awake that long and I'm skipping my morning classes because I'm afraid of falling asleep at the wheel on the two-minute drive to the bus.

I pass out now.

Title

2005-09-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

Been awake for over 30 hours. Work in five.
I'm not funny.

Deux Day

2005-09-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

God, that sucked. And so will tonight. I get home an hour before I have to go to work, and I'll probably get off work an hour before I have to go to school. Awesome.
So as I shovel hastily-prepared hamburger into my gullet as way of my only meal of the day, let me enlighten you, the reader as to the happenings of my second day back at school, because there's really not much else I feel comfortable posting about.

After the first hour of boredom (sitting in the hall... again) I found a compy terminal and checked the blog. Dave, your wish is granted thus:

Then I got really bored. I tried to kill myself:

but to no avail. I kept fighting for breath and that was that.

However, after such an interminably long time that I had nothing to do but take another picture, I actually died of boredom.

Fortunately, somebody thought I was some kind of bizarre, artsy trash can and lobbed a "Time" magazine at me, resuscitating me accidentally. And then it was time for class, and then I rode the bus home, here, where I am posting to you, the reader.

Oh, yeah, anybody got a few bucks to spare? I don't have my *(&%*&%$*&*& bus pass yet, I'm outta cash and for some reason the ATM doesn't like my card.

No?

Well, ok, I guess that's cool. At least I get a "day off" tomorrow... kinda...

Edumacatory

2005-09-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

The first day back at school. The smell of new textbooks. Expectation is in the air. Bright young minds sit patiently in the hall, awaiting their designated classtime and the font of knowledge which will surely spring from their instructors as ejaculate from... well, we know from where.

Such was the situation I encountered upon my arrival back at the good ol' U of M. Not having class for several hours at a time, I sat in the hall... and sat... and sat... and sat.

Why the fuck didn't I bring my gameboy?

However, all was not wasteful. Peruse, if you will, my great work of feeling concerning the excellent learning environment within which I was esconced.

At long last, it was time for class! Oh, joy of joys! I hope someday you, too, can experience the unmitigated pleasures of arriving at such an awaited destination.
The dark cloud to this silver lining was that I was forced to realize just how much Japanese I'd forgotten in three short months. Ouch. At least it started coming back by the end of class. Also, there was a pleasant surprise: a guest teacher's assistant, just come from Japan!

Look at that fool try to argue away his tardiness. Domokun will have none of it!

Now it was time for more waiting, upon more waiting. I believe I may have napped for some time. Then my first Chinese class began. It was at this point that I realized that this was going to be a slow semester; we had to wait for the professors to find the classroom. The two instructors present for Tuesdays are very energetic and friendly, though, and one of them asked me if I had studied Chinese before! I said, "No," but if I do say so myself... I kick languages' asses.

So that was my decidedly atumultuous start of the school year! I can only hope the rest goes as smoothly.

And now, at the conclusion, a brief demonstration! Four ways for you to say, "Later!"
Use them at home! Use them at work! Use them in the laundromat and while preparing dinner! Wait, don't use them at work. One of them is too casual. The laundromat should be OK, though.

Eng: See ya later!
French: A demains! (no accents yet, still figuring those out)
Japanese: Jaa, mata!
Chinese: Zai jian! (pronounced something like, "tsya chya")

Shit, almost forgot. I went to the Minnesota State Fair with my sisters and cousins!

It was damn fun! We had giant pickles, beer (those of us over 21, anyway), Tom Thumb Donuts, Sweet Martha Cookies, Porkchop on a Stick, saw hundreds of political booths, did a ride or two, pet some goats...
::breathes::
And even saw a female lumberjack! She weren't bad-lookin', neither.

Phew! Ok, there's my post. Take it home, chew on it awhile. Due back before class begins. No late work will be graded.

Shitsureishimasu!

Beingness

2005-09-04T05:21:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to actually write anything for this post, much like the last, but Des's and Spinning Girl's pleas for attention and humor were so heart-wrenching that I simply had to "break radio silence" and give a little what-for. Suffice to say, when I'm absent, there is a greater plan to it, and I am absolutely not in any way more attached to a video game than this blog. I swear it.

Unfortunately, there's not much new to report. I go back to school on Tuesday, and I'm actually excited because my class schedule doesn't suck anymore. Up until about two weeks ago I was dreading going back because the classes I wanted to take would force me to be on campus for 12 hours five days a week. Not fun. However, I managed to redo it and correctify some shit and drop some other shit... so now I have about three hours of class per day. Much better, no? My pet accordion certainly seems to think so. Isn't that right, Adjudicator Nelson? (I call myself, "Justiciar Auron", the "pet accordion", "Adjudicator Nelson", the guitar, "Exemplar O'Malley", and the cello, "Bob".)

And now for the question of the day, week, and month: Do you think the first guy to invent a different language told somebody about it? Like, Sam the Sumerian wanders off to the northeast for a few years and comes back.
"Hey, Ned!"
"Well, hey, Sam, long time no see!"
"Yeah, been hunting and gathering in a place I call Eurasia."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Oh, I made up my own language since we pretty much have our own place up there. It's gonna be a kingdom someday."
"You made up a language?"
"Yeah, I figured since we're so far removed we're practically evolving into a different people with different racial traits and customs, so we might as well have a different language."
"Sam, that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. You don't just make up a language. Noboby's gonna understand you!"
"The people I teach will understand me."
"You're already speaking Sumerian fine, though! What do you need with a different language?!"
"Well, to be honest, Ned, remember those fancy eats we had at the festival a few years ago but nobody could figure out what to call them? I wanted a word for those, man."
"What? The sandwiches? You wanted a word for "sandwich"? Why didn't you just ask someone, you stupid rope sniffer?" (insults were much odder in those days)
"I guess I didn't think of that."
"Yeah? Well next time save a bunch of people a lot of trouble don't think of a language, either.
"..."
"..."
"Ned?"
"Yeah?"
"Wanna get a sandwich?"
"Yeah, let's get a sandwich. Speaking of which, what was the word for it in your stupid language?"
"Oh, I called them, 'bambwoozles.'"
"I hate you, Sam."

Do you think it was that retarded? I mean, it was the beginning of civilization. Half the population were those weird bastards who ate dirt and stuff.

All I'm saying is, "Ya never know." I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Duel of the 'Mates

2005-08-31T23:34:00.000-07:00

Can there be only one...?

Umm....

2005-08-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

Fritz said, "8. I love the fact that BOBI hasn't seen any of this."

Ok... so... yeah. Man, this is kinda awkward, huh? Like those scenes in the movies where the broken-up couple are forced to confront each other after a long absence or some such thing and neither of them knows what to say, but something simply must be said.

I took a one-ish day break from Blogland to cool my jets. I said some things that, while appearing innocent to me, were more than evidently hurtful (or something to that effect) to others.

This was never the intention of my blog. I like to make people laugh, ergo I try to create witty things whenever I am provided the impetus. Fritz provided me a list, so I ran with it and came up with (what I thought were) humorous replies. Unfortunately, this was at the same time that I was in a very poor mood because of another Blogging Incident, so my humor was somewhat darker, more cynical, and yes, more disrespectful than it might normally be.

I tried to offset this (even in my funk I knew I was going a bit too far) by declaring, once again, my mysoginism which should be well-known at this point. This facet of my personality, I thought, was clearly a facetious one. Yes, I am utterly befuddled by women and am absolutely certain that none of them would give me the time of day were they to meet me face-to-face, but I certainly don't hate them. For crying out loud, I think I might actually be "flirting" with Spinning Girl! (I've never been too clear on the subject. Sorry if I'm wrong, SG!) The label "mysoginist" is merely convenient and over-the-top; it describes my situation if it were warped, somehow. I thought it was funny.

So, to those of you who posted comments in anger, sadness, or whatever, saying you were negatively affected, I'm sorry. I believe it was:
Fritz: Your list was funny, I tried to do the same. I guess it wasn't, so I'm sorry for upsetting you.

Heather and Des: I'm sure you're wonderful mothers and I'm sorry for saying you took the "easy-out".

Spinning Girl: Because I don't know the precise problem, I'll just apologize for the entire post.

As Logtar said, I don't take myself seriously. Ever. This is closely related to one of Fritz's comments when she noted a lack of confidence.

A sheltered life with absolutely no exposure to women beyond a dance and the classroom, tossed in with an amazing (if I may say so) sense of humor and what I can only hope is at least a fraction of my dad's intellect has made me one lonely, bizarre fucker. Yet I try to have fun with that and make do as best I can. In my profile, it says, "I don't like mean people." This is still true; I try to avoid being mean as often as possible, but nobody's perfect. I was cranky and it must have slipped out.

So I'm sorry to everyone I have or even may have offended. I really do like girls; I'm just continuously frustrated by almost 22 years of "no play". When you're in a bad mood because of someone else, it generally passes on to whatever the topic at hand is. The topic was (after a fashion) women, and the fact that no women besides those in my family have ever had more than a passing interest in me plays with my feelings. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I look around and see all sorts of people at all sorts of stages in relationships. Dane's been "power-dating" for a couple months now. But I just while the days away, trying to achieve something that, more and more, seems unachievable.

Being a fatass doesn't help, either.

Disagree-itude

2005-08-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

Fritz posted some reasons concering why it is good to have a twat. I disagree with just about every one that I have read. I don't really have a bone to pick with her, I just thank God every day I'm a man and not a woman. Let's take a gander!

28. Having a twat lets me give my friends kisses and hugs, where having the other keeps men scared of showing affection.
-There is something wrong with showing affection, though I can't put my finger on it. It's akin to being weak.

29. Having one ensures a seat on a subway even if it's crowded
-Where does a fat man who is taller than most sit? Wherever he wants.

30. Having a twat makes bathing suits SO much more aesthetic.
-I never understood small or tight clothing. Gimme loose and baggy.

31. Tacos are a much healthier choice than wieners.
-But tacos make your shit liquid 99% more of the time.

32. All embryos start out with one; men just take more work to finish off in the womb.
-Another reason why men are harder workers than women.

33. Because pussy is really a great word for it.
-Yeah, pussy; a word describing both a body part and a temperamental animal that pays no attention to you, no matter how much love you give it.

34. Having one lets me pitch fits angrily against all that is evil in the world, and when people say, "What the hell is her problem?" I can just tell them, "I'm PMSing!!"
-Awesome. Instead of standing by your convictions, let's hide behind a bullshit excuse.

35. Twats keep women together in the long run--ensures hours of friendship with other people who 'get it'.
-Men regularly commiserate over getting kicked in the nuts, as women don't "get it".

36. You men are always trying to get back there eventually.
-Not all of us. There are, as I'm sure you are aware, men who have no intention of ever entering a twat again. They're called priests and homosexuals.

37. Georgia O'Keefe.
-She's not a reason, she's a person.

38. Totally being able to discredit the porno industry when a man falls to his knees when he sees it the first time and declares, "Wow."
-I've seen one and I did not say, "Wow". I said, "Ugh."

39. Love-making
-A penis is also necessary for two of the three kinds of love-making. (Lesbian, straight, gay)

40. Having one ensures that I will have a seat on a lifeboat of a sinking ship.
-I, for one, believe chivalry is dead. I'm going to do whatever the hell I can to get on that boat.

41. Having one means I have to be the strongest person in the world for my mate.
-Why?

42. Having one means I have to be the strongest mother in the world to my children.
-No, that just means you're they're only mother.

43. Having one indicates I belong to the mysterious sex.
-Female friends have long confided in me their inability to understand men.

44. Having one compliments my big breasts and big hips--after all, you can't have nice breasts and ass if you don't have twat.
-Talk to the men who've had testicular cancer and have grown bitch tits.

45. That expression from Wayne's World:
"Twat? I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion"
-That doesn't make a good reason to have one. This is like saying it's good to have a cock because River Fenix said, "That's no chicken, that's a biiiig COCK!"

46. Toasting this while drinking:
"Here's to us ladies in our high heeled shoes
We take all your money and drink all your booze
We don't have a cherry, but that's no sin
We still have the boxes those cherries came in!"
-You haven't taken my money and never shall.

47. Thongs looks so much better when you have a twat and not the alternative.
-Thongs never look good, period.

48. Mary Magdalene had one.
-Mary Magdalene was a whore.

49. Because of the twat, I can say, "I want to stay home and take care of my kids", and no one thinks any less of me.
-I think the stay-at-home mom is the biggest easy-out there is. Stay-at-home dads are the brave and noble ones. That's doing something different.

50. Madonna has one, and all people who have twats secretly want to be her.
-Madonna is an old, gap-toothed crusty bitch who can't sing. Why in God's name would anyone want to be her?

Ok, maybe I'm in a bit of a funky mood and I'm a misogynist. Can't help it; that's who I am. Sorry, Fritz.

Maybe tomorrow things'll be better.

"Arzegako"

2005-08-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

Arzegako: The emotion felt for Spinning Girl, by B.O.B.I., for the kick-ass picture she made. I feel so loved, so appreciated, so... favored. Yeah, I know Dane was included, but he's not here now, baby. It's just the two of us.

He don't have to know.

In other news, Dane and I decided to cave and at the very least investimigate this brash new phenomenon occurring and transpiring at most local Burger Kings.
Ye guess verily... I spake of the Chicken Fries.

Not knowing what to expect, we placed our orders and gathered the usual and usually necessary liquid mastication catalysts.

After acquiring our drinks, we took our seats and opened our newly purchased fast-food adventure. What did we find? See for yourself:

While it is indeed the case that kwik-konsumption joints are not known for their sense of cuisine aesthetics, surely they could have done better than this.

Now the moment was come. It was time to "shit or get off the pot" as they say in my quaint hometown. We would have to taste and see if these breaded fowl... bars were anything close to what they were purported.

Dane elected to make the most of it, musing that since he had already paid for them he was, doggone it, going to enjoy them. I had less optimistic thoughts.
Also, to top the whole event off, the clincher as it were, the meal preparation staff had included in my meal a miniaturized bucket of sauce.
"Why not?" said the B.O.B.I. "Sauce can be good."
I'll leave my analysis in your capable hands with a captionless picture. After all, if a picture is worth a thousand words, what more can I say?

In summary: do not eat Chicken Fries. They aren't worth it. You have my permission to eat other "fried" chicken products, but do so at your own risk; I've had negative experiences (let's say "reverse food-processing incidents") with just about every restaurant out there. I swear I am only eating food that I, myself, have prepared from now on.

Oh, and Spinning Girl, I gotta thank you again; that picture is tits!

Coming relatively soon: more gum-droppity goodness from my somewhat-twisted head.

Interrogatory: Les Trois!?

2005-08-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well! After reviewing the comments twice again, I have ascertained that Rowan, Heather and Michaela all wanted quizzes!

YOUR WISHES ARE THUS GRANTED! (I so wanted to be a djinn when I was little...)

ROWAN:
1. In which martial arts movie would you most like to have a part? What part?

2. The Yeti has come down from the mountain. Do you
a. Take him back to the cottage for some eggnog.
b. Tell him the club burned down but there's a bowling alley.
c. Ask him what he'd like for dinner.
OR
d. Give him the latest NHL news (assuming there is any).

3. Name a ska band that you do or would like to listen to.

4. Why is your best friend your best friend?

5. What would you do with $537.16?

MICHAELA:
1. Praying Mantises or Sea Urchins?

2. What comic-book hero's (who has not had a movie made yet and does not, now, have a movie in the making) movie would you most like to see? (Ex: X-Men, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Superman, Batman: unacceptable)

3. Do you like it hot or cold when you sleep?

4. Don't you hate it when you burp after drinking pop (soda to you weirdos) and your mouth is closed so it blows out your nose and it burns like Hell? Don'tcha?

5. What is your favorite prepared dish?

HEATHER:
1. What mythical creature which is not a unicorn would you most like for a pet?

2. Toboggan or inner-tube?

3. How do they get those pimento things in the olives? Is it by hand or something?

4. What planet would you definately not want to visit? What planet would be, "Oh, this is kind of OK to visit," visitable? (moons are acceptable, i.e., Titan)

5. Are men more attractive with little on or in tuxedos?

Thanks for the eager replies, I hope these are fun!

EDIT: Logtar posted the Podcast! Sorry I didn't notice it earlier, but he did a great job with my somewhat... odd demand.

EDIT[EDIT]: Another compatriot joins the ranks! WE SHALL OVERCOME!

In essence, not

2005-08-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

This isn't my real next post, so don't worry; your quizzes cometh.

Just wanted to let you know that IT'S HERE!

Sorta.

Interrogatory: Les Deux

2005-08-25T06:05:00.000-07:00

Noticed a couple more requests from Phil and Logtar, who seems to have beat Danius and myself to the Podcast Punch. Nice! Also a quizzle from Spizzle Gizzirl.

Sorry, I'll stop.

And awwaaaaay we go!

Phil:
1. How old were you when you first stayed away from home? What for?

2. Ostrich or emu?

3. What is your favorite drink? (not necessarily alcohol)

4. With whom would you rather hang out: Martin Sheen or Tim Curry?

5. You are condemned to one weekend at an empty prison for no good reason. Do you:
a. Construct your own make-shift Slip 'N Slide down Death Row.
b. Make a food Nativity in the Cafeteria.
c. Re-enact the meeting at Yalta in the Warden's Room with mannequins you found somewhere.
Or
d. Create a "Suds-O-Rific" party in the shower room, complete with Ibiza-sponsored techno.

Oh, yeah, the gas station was out of Code Red... you do Dew the normal way?

Logtar:
1. A stranger gives you an old-fashioned pineapple grenade. What do you do with it?

2. What is your favorite holiday?

3. What is your least favorite commercial?

4. If you could drive any vehicle that had to be at least ten feet long, what would it be?

5. Which dictator (past or present) would you most like to be?

And Spinning Girl asked:
1.Tell me about an impulse that you have had to suppress.

Lately I have had to stop myself, on several occasions, from just going up to hot girls I see and trying to talk to them. I had a post about this a while back. It's an odd feeling.

2.You are about to have your last meal. What do you eat?

A pound and a half of tacos with extra sauce. If they're killing me, I'm leaving a present for those bastards.

3.Fill in the blanks: “If it hadn’t been for ___ , I would have ___ .

If it hadn't been for Ramen noodles, I would have lost weight earlier.

4.Cher. Discuss.

Cher used to occupy a pretty solid place in my musical heart when I was younger. This was about the two or three weeks when I discovered "I Got You, Babe" around age eleven point five. OF course, once my uncle, Tom, started talking about her lame video on a naval ship... well, that just sparked a sense of derision that has since been fueled by that "Do You Believe In Life After Love" or whatever the hell it's called. I was forced to listen to that so many times when it came out...

I hate that song.

She ought to just whip her package out and admit she's a man with a voice like that. It's ridiculous.

Wait, I retract that. That would be disgusting, and with all the other plastic surgeries "she's" had, it would undoubtedly be doubly so.

However, I still like "I Got You, Babe"... and I loved the "Stuck On You" reference to Cher and Frankie Muniz. That was awesome.

5.Name a place you will probably never visit, but want to; followed by a place you will probably never visit, and don’t want to.

I will probably never visit Warsaw, Poland, although my ancestry fairly begs for it. I say probably not, but maybe someday, I really hope...
As for a place I will probably not visit, that'd be The Congo. Hell, Africa in general. Way too hot, too much fighting and diseases are pretty much my mainstay reasons not to go.

Nice quiz! That was fun.

Interrogatory

2005-08-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

It would appear that the little quiz fad started by Pizzle and Shanshu has taken me not by storm, but by a karate explosion.

As always, I aim to ease and appease. In light of the fact that the new hosting service I signed up for isn't quite ready yet, (curse you, DNS...) I will devote my hard time, labor and this post to your Five Questions Under the Lamp.

Request #1: J-Man
1. When do you bathe/shower? Why?

2. Do you have any odd hobbies?

3. Group bunny or one-on-one, intimate jazz?

4. Bowl of cold macaroni down the shorts or live mackarel down the shirt?

5. When did you last cry? (if it's ok->) Why?

Request #2: Crystalpistol
1. How did you meet your husband?

2. Curds or whey? If both, why?

3. Which celebrity would you be and why?

4. You're going to a deserted island for no discernible purpose. What and who do you bring with EXCEPT creature comforts. (car, pillows, underwear: unacceptable)

5. What's your favorite Hair Band?

Request #3: Sagaciousagnostic
1. Would you rather live in Timbuktu or a remote village in Mongolia?

2. How did you make your best friend in life?

3. What (if any) instruments do you play? If none, why not?

4. Highlander 2 or Rocky 4?

5. What is your favorite vegetable? Why?

Request #4: Spinning Girl
1. Ya like red-heads?

2. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck given a brand-new chainsaw and protective eyewear?

3. Where do you go to "defragment"? (big supporter of the sweat closet, myself)

4. Have you ever watched a Cricket Match? Why or why not?

5. What was your first crush like?

Hope none of them are too personal. Glad you're all so interested! See you 'round and expect something fun from Dane and me soon.

Oh yeah, the rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

EDIT: While we're still not under our own power, Dane should have an update for you concerning some small manner of silliness. We hope you enjoy it.

Inquisition

2005-08-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

Shanshu asked:

1.What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Jeez... I think it would be second grade, reading time. I was caught cheating on a test and everybody was told to look at me for like five minutes. Learned me good, tell ya whut.

2.Who would win in a fight? Superman or Neo? Explain your answer.
Well, given no context I must devise two scenarios. "Real world" fight: Superman by several hundred thousand light years. "Matrix" (which is what I assume you were implying) is a tougher call. Superman's brain operates much, much faster than a human's brain, but Neo is The (or at least A) One. If Superman were granted "Super" status in the Matrix, Supes wins. If Superman is brought down to "human" norms by the "rules" and had to figure out how to fight Neo on his own terms, Neo would have an advantage for a few minutes.

3.Would you cut off your little toe for a chance at group bunny with models?
Hell yeah, not like I use the little fucker.
Would you cut off your buddy’s little toe for the chance?
Hell yeah, not like he uses the little fucker... Oh, what? I'd try to set him up, too. Geez...

4.Explain why you like or dislike strip clubs?
For whatever reason (perhaps my childhood in a very shielded environment, my mother's insistence that porn and the human body are "bad, bad, bad" and minimal exposure to close-up sexuality thus far) blatant sexuality and nudity make me very uncomfortable.

5.What is your favorite book?
The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Why?
The point at which Aslan is slain is the only time I've cried myself to sleep over a book.

Thanks, Shan! That was cool. Anybody else feel like an interrogation?

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Kibitz

2005-08-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

So after another hard night of work, Dane and I arrived home for some well-deserved R&R. Much to our chagrin, another whimsical article had been posted on Dane's homepage, MSN. This daring farce, this snippet of tripe dared to attempt to inform we former Intellectual Whores how to "Stop Being Her Buddy" or some such thing. What trash, what drivel!

Some of the advice sounded ridiculous at first... then we decided to try it out.
Ladies, how would you have liked it had we actually read and remembered to utilize this salient point of advice?

"Angle your body toward hers and point your feet and hands in her direction (to show you're deeply focused on her), and when you talk, look straight in her eyes for at least 4-5 seconds every few minutes."

Indeed, when attempted, the effect seems rather... off-putting.

Myself leaning towards you, hands and feet in your direction.

I AM FOCUSED ON YOU!

Dane leaning towards you, hands and feet in your direction.

HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU CHILDREN!

Seriously... how well would that actually work?
The answer is quite simple: it wouldn't. This article is a veritable plethora of bad ideas. The only approach that would make any sort of logical sense would be to merely ask her out for dinner and some sex.

C'mon, don't be such a pussy.

Hajimewa (JP)

2005-08-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

Last night a bunch of guys came on over. We ordered pizza, relaxed and drank some beer. This was the first time I had ever consumed this classic "meal" of pizza and beer, and I must say I have reason to believe these two ingredients combine to form a powerful soporiphic and post-conscious hallucinogen. Not only did I get knocked out afterwards by this powerful mix, but I had a really fucked-up dream.

What's that, you say? You want to hear about it? Ok.

It starts back at my house which, incidentally, my mom is selling. Logically, we (my family and myself) were tearing it apart, moving everything around. It looked like ass. Couches being moved all over, rooms in the wrong place, etc. etc. I had to sleep on a chair in the bathroom or something. During this whole thing Jessica Alba and several people I couldn't identify were just "hanging out" in the living room like refugees. At several points in the dream I chat her up, trying to hit on her, but even in my Goddamn dream, I have to be realistic. She never really shows interest, but at least she was friendly. After moving the furniture around in the living room with the help of little green men, I finally take a breather, trying to talk to Jessica again. This is when I notice the little (and I mean little) man on the couch next to her. Somehow I know he's her brother and he is (forgive the term, please) retarded. He's drooling, he's got the Downs Syndrome face, everything.

And he wants to play.

I spend the next however long dodging stuffed animals weighing in excess of thirty pounds hurled at my cranium while Jessica laughs and muses about how cute it is to play with her brother. At this point I wander into the bathroom and try to go to sleep (yes, in my dream) when my sister wakes me up because two guys with whom I went to High School want to watch some porn. Well, ok. We get it going (I dunno why) and are grinning like adolescent idiots when my mom, grandmother, sisters, aunts, and the little lady next door want to come in to tear up the carpet. I respond in Japanese: "Hairanakute, kudasai! Ippun!" I think that's correct, anyway. I can't be bothered to look up the right conjugation because I'm in a hurry and it's a dream.

Finally, I wake up and start to wondering just what the motherfuck would make me come up with that. I say the pizza and beer, but if anybody out there knows any dream analysis, that might be fun to hear. Hell, it'd be fun to hear even if you haven't.

Oh, yeah, the "party" was pretty cool, too. Midnight showing of "Back to the Future" and bowling. Awesome-y.

Clarificatory

2005-08-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

So for all you out there, wondering your little brains out, wonder no longer.
In its origins, my monacre was pronounced Beau-bee. Congratulations, Crystalpistol, you rock! The rest of you also rock, but she rocked the pronunciation cock. As a consolation prize, Spinning Girl, you get the "Hilarity Award" for "King Poopy Pants". I really like that, I do.

But enough about me! How about some semi-righteous pics of a couple people I hung out with last week and did absolutely nothing with? Whaddya say?

Yep, that's my crotch. I hang out with it regularly, but I try not to let it hang out too much.

Look! It's the return of "Sonja", the lovely lady who cooked us dinner! Hi, "Sonja"!

And golly-gee-willickers, it's my other roommate, Adam! He's not looking at the camera, the douchefuck! Shit on you, ya piece of cockamamy whale-ass!

Great googly Jesus H. Christ on a Klondike Bar! We're certainly not a lively bunch are we? Just a bunch of fucking lazy-ass good-for-nothing shitcocks!

Oh well. Tomorrow we're having a "party", so maybe that'll be a little more entertaining for you.

Oh, yeah, I know some of you take a gander at Dane's, and before those of you who take a gander at at Dane's and happen to be feminazis have a hissy fit, it's my poster in the background and I love it.

Confabulation Cache

2005-08-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

Hey! Spinning Girl! Leave all your comments up here! It'll be easier for me to read!
Please?

Monkey sausages.

Deus Ex Pasta

2005-08-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed, there is a new picture adorning the right side of my screen.

Pointed out to me by Tolbs, The Great and Inimitable Flying Spaghetti Monster has swept aside all thought of former faith and now binds my soul in his tender, sauce-covered Noodly Appendage.

I read Tolbs's post and followed the links to the description of the work of the Prophet, Bobby Henderson.

Convert, my brethren! Read the sacred and One True Letter to the Kansas Board of Education! Revel in His Noodly Appendage and eat of the pasta! I thank Tolbs for leading me to the light, or at least the table. Thank you, Tolbs, for opening my mouth and helping me to experience noodly nirvana.

Become a Pastafarian and dress as a pirate! For as the Prophet spake, "...he becomes angry if we don't."

Go now and learn of the Holy Inverse Relationship Betwixt Global Warming and Pirates!
Take heed!

May the FSM be with you. RAmen.

Coming soon: WWFSMD bracelets!

Spasmodic

2005-08-19T04:06:00.000-07:00

10:58 pm: It's been eleven hours since I got up. Not too bad, no reason to be tired. However, the consumption of Olive Garden earlier has instilled in me a weariness only felt after a heaping plate of Italian goodnes. Yet I push on, consumed by my quest to read blogs and play with Photoshop.

12:25 am: Eyelids dropping. Time to check on the ol' roomie and see if he's still kicking. He is, and we kick it duo style for a little bit. Being tired starts to slow my faculties when I cannot summon the word "nebulous".

1:49 am: Now being thoroughly bushed, I recline and enjoy episode one of season five of "Buffy". It's good shit, but I have to rewind several times because my concentration is decidedly lacking.

3:02 am: I hunger. I've hungered since around midnight, actually, but I'm lazy. I walk to the store and pick up some burgers. They were delicious. Then I actually cooked some, and those were good, too.

4:36 am: The roomie enlists my services as Photoshop nooblet to start a header for his blog. It's incoming, don't worry. At least, it better be; it was a pain in the ass to make. The extra concentration needed to pull a decent Photoshop off takes its strain on me. Visions appear...

6:01 am: It's happened. The slaves have rebelled and are after my head. My reign as Shirt Pharaoh is ended! Yet I will not go without a fight; let loose the Bologna Badgers! Fire the Hamster Rockets and the Intercontinental Ballistic Cucumbers! If I go down I'm taking them with me! The shirt is mine! The shirt is mine!!

8:17 am: Beyond sleep, beyond wakefulness, I pass into the next phase of existance... SPAM.

Expensive?

2005-08-19T02:57:00.000-07:00

Hm. I would've put it much, much lower.

I am worth $1,799,390 on HumanForSale.com

Good Fuggin' GAWD

2005-08-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

Be it known that this "weblog" is a nest, a haven, a centre for misogynistic thought. Having accepted this fact, you won't be surprised or terribly mispleased at what I am about to say.

Women, you are fuggin' gross. Just the fact that you don't leap into hysterics every four weeks for that "special time" speaks volumes of your ability to deal with, nay, thrive under conditions that would make me curl up and weep as a babe.

What brings this sudden attack on? A video I, I admit willingly, watched.
See it here. Not only is this "educational" little flick an attack on my cinematic sensibilities, and here I speak of general acting, cinematogrophy, voice syncing... but I digress. This video depicts in detail one of the most disturbing images I've ever had the misfortune of seeing.
A bloody pad.

Regarding the movie itself, this was just a crock of shit. Who deals with life issues like that? I can't vouch for anybody else, but I, raised in my Ivory Tower slash shell, deigned not to ask anyone but, instead, read about it in my books. Perhaps that's why I'm still incredibly uncomfortable around any nearby manifestation of sex or sexiness, but that's my own problem which I may or may not deal with before I'm middle-aged. The point is this: at both times during my "sexucation", once in an anatomy text, once in that horrifying video, I found myself paralyzed; bound, as it were, by utter disgust and revulsion. Yet I have had to deal with this gut-wrenching phenomenon... never.

On a side note, the father's performance was unbelievable and the pace of the entire thing was ridiculous. Were I that dad, I'd leave the room the minute I heard the word, "period". To quote Tolbs, the guy basically said, "Yeah, they leak blood. It's fucking awesome. You should see it." What man deals with menstruation so cavalierly and in such a... banal manner? And the actors say the same phrases five or six times! Who was this educating? Girls with Downs Syndrome?

How can you women, being members (I assume) of the human race and subject to the same relative sensibilities and palates as the rest of us, not flip your lids when you leak fucking life-essence for five straight days!?

It's un-fucking-natural is what it is.

Flag THIS

2005-08-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

"The Wisdom of Crowds (2004, Full title: The Wisdom of Crowds: Why the Many Are Smarter Than the Few and How Collective Wisdom Shapes Business, Economies, Societies and Nations) is a book written by James Surowiecki..."

What a crock! In stark opposition to this nutball's ideals, I'm going to strive be vulgar and offensive for this post. Fuck you James Surowiecki! Anybody who believes the many know better than the few has never sat in on a town council meeting. Or any council meeting. Or a meeting. Some of the dumbest decisions ever made were made by groups, contrary to smarter advisement by singular sources. I don't have to prove myself here, we've all heard a bundle of examples from our parents and other associates.

Anybody who's ever been in a crowd knows that this simple, grammatically poor statement is true: Person smart, people stupid. It was proven somewhere, forgive me if I don't look it up (maybe you can do the work for me?), that three people in a crowd can utterly control what it will do. Charge left? No problem. Disband? Easy as cake. Get angry and destroy something... or someone? Absolutely.

So take your mob mentality and shove it, James Surowiecki. I march to my own drum and nothing you say will change it.

Fuck you.

EDIT: Had to post this, thanks to Jersey Girl, and I didn't want to waste the "newness" of the post.
Your word is SHIT. You are laid back and relaxed,
and most people like you. You don't especially
want to stand out from the crowd, you are
pretty happy with your lot.

Which Swear (Curse) Word Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Maybe I can be political, too

2005-08-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

Promulgate

2005-08-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

At the request of mine Supervisor, The Great, Powerful and Grandiose Over-seer, Factotum and Poo-bah, Barr has commanded, I have information discharges and requests.

Firstly: DES! Where are you!? Barr really liked your comment a while back! Return! Come back! Rendrez-vous! Recrudesce! Back that ass up!

Secondly, and Crystalpistol has beaten me to the punch on this, how do all you in internet land pronounce "B.O.B.I."?
Barr and I have gotten into a bite-sized argument about it, so we need your help.
Just ring in with your opinion, we'll have operators standing by all night. And remember, call now and recieve your membership gift, a small wooden horse inscribed with a quote from the great Ellen DeGeneres, for a mere $13.84 donation. So please, pick up that rotary phone and give us a call.

Do it for the chilluns.

Substantive

2005-08-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

What the...

I guess SEGA has decided to cash in on any fame "God of War" garnered and is releasing a title called "Spartan: Total Warrior". This is obviously based upon the historical fact that the Spartans were well-known for their battle prowess. As a basis for a game, they could do worse.

But listen here, kiddies. Before you run off and celebrate your recently-acquired "Spartiate" license, there's a few things you should know.

Sparta was not known, like some of Greece, *cough*Athens*cough* for democracy. It was an oligarchy and at times a tyrannical kingship. Yay, civic pride!

Sparta is the basis for all the homosexual myth regarding Greece. The word "patron" was perverted here from "father" to sponsor by older men taking a younger under their wing and "educatiing them in the ways of the world." Yyyeaaahhh....

Sparta, favoring the homosexual side of life, treated women like dirt and frequently sold them for as little. Granted, there were no women's rights anywhere at that point in history, but Sparta was bad compared to anywhere.

Spartan boys were enlisted in the army a few years before puberty. They were forced to be completely comfortable with nude men (the homosexual thing, plus a little kiddy porn) and were rarely allowed to go home. Can anyone say, "State robots"?

They played sports nekkid for God's sake. Who does that? I mean, seriously...

So, once again, before you go grab yourself a copy of Spartan: Total Warrior and proclaim yourself a vessel of Greek Destruction, remember what it meant to be a Spartiate: gay, mindless, and brutal. Yay!

Cursory

2005-08-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'd like everyone to read "Expatiate", so I'll keep it brief. Dane and The J-Man have awoken in me a brotherly love not often felt. My heart goes out to these two fine men. I know not what they know, but I know pain and their weblogs are decidedly oozing with copious amounts of that bitter currency. To continue the metaphor, their pounds sterling are my rupees, but can we not all purchase something? Surely, I have not loved and lost, nor even loved, but I have at least window-shopped and settled on a cheap trinket or two.

Suitably lost? Fine. J-Man had his heart broken, as did Dane. I feel bad for them, as my "Bros before Hos" mentality (my sense of camaraderie), and my misogyny would have me do. Women, you're wonderful to look at, but most of you are a pain in the ass to talk to and more than any man should have to put up with. Then you pull this shit. It's not fair and it's not right and it's not humane, dammit.

Expatiate

2005-08-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that are commonly accepted as toast-toppers. There's butter, there's margarine, there's grape, raspberry, strawberry, and blackberry jellies or jams. There's marmalade. There's cinnamon and sugar and whole pieces of fruit.
There exists, somewhere, a goofy bastard who put rhubarb on his toast. Why? Oh, why did you feel the need, sir, to garnish your bonny burnt breakfast bread with something as horrifying and unappealing as rhubarf?

Be that as it may, I have not come forward to contend with or hold forth on the merits of preparing pastries with strange and uncommon flora.

Nay, I pose this question to you: Why is cheese not an accepted toast-topper?
Before you respond, HOLD FAST! I do not mean Cream Cheese! I'm talking full-on, fully-loaded Cheddar, Swiss, Gouda, Brie, what-have-you!

Feta!

I mean, why not?

Sentimental Tabulation

2005-08-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason I'm feeling a little emotional right now.

A little emotional, a little honest. A little too honest, you might say.

This is just going to be a quick "shout out", as it were, to someone very special to me.
This is someone who left me almost five years ago. That's a startling number to me; I can't believe it's been so long, although sometimes it feels like decades.

This person is my dad. I think about him every day and I can't imagine what I wouldn't do to have another day with him. It doesn't matter where it would be or what we'd be doing. I'd go anywhere and do anything if I could talk to him for another little while.

I guess you might wonder what sparked this. Well, I have a small, stuffed Oscar the Grouch that he gave me when I was two weeks old. I've slept with it next to my head for every night for 21 years and 8 months.

I know it's not Father's Day, but if your dad loves you, give him a call tonight and tell him you're sorry for all the dumb shit you pulled and that you're glad he's your dad.

That's what I'd say.

Ersatz

2005-08-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Before I make one of the truest statements ever to grace this Hellhole of Heaven's Inspiration, this Lofty Peak of Muck and Drudgery, let me first apologize for the quality at certain points in the upcoming presentation. I had a choice to make and I made it. Rather than opt for clarity, I chose to make it visible to the naked eye. That is, the image could have been crisp and clean, but it would have made a protovirus squint. Now then...

There is something wrong with me.

On a lighter note, parents, I guarantee five viewings of this before bed, nightly, will derail any sexual thoughts your children will have. Ever.

EDIT: It seems I've been tagged. Tch, whatev. Fine, my list:
Bedroom Talk by Starting Line
How romantic is it to say, "I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married and you're all mine now," for a "lurve" song? Fuck you, that's love, dammit.

Time to Waste by Alkaline Trio
Just really good sounding. Really damn good sound.

Bleed by Alkaline Trio
Ditto.

Memory by Shinedown
Double ditto, and I'm making a Final Fantasy video for it. I love this song.

Banana Phone by Raffi
Several minutes tall of pure AWESOME.

I dunno who to tag; I seem to have wandered off the playground.

Riposte

2005-08-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

Bullshit! The Pepsi generation may find itself aligned with the Judeo-Christian belief structure, but remember this, all you innocents in Internet Land! The Jews and Christians have either been responsible for or taken part in many terrible wars throughout history! There has been bloodshed over the carbonated beverage known as "Pepsi"!

But fear not! There is yet one leader who preaches peace and means it! Give your praise, thanks, and sugared waters to Buddha! Buddha Dharama says, "Embrace your fellow man, seek Nirvana (annihilation), and seek both through the wonderfully crisp taste of Coca-Cola!"

The authenticity of Jesus Christ's Pepsi addiction cannot be vouched for here, but recent diggings in deepest India, far under the Indus River Valley, have unearthed a treasure trove of ancient Coke urns. The Buddha developed his charming girth, his cheerful chunk not through the indulgence of the world around him, but merely by ingesting large amounts of Coke, as well he should have! More than 68% of Coke drinkers world-wide have reported "Nirvana-like" feeling after drinking nothing but Coca-Cola for over sixty-three straight hours!

This photo was recently taken in honor of the dig's findings.

Stone cans are hastily being chiseled to adjust millions of statues all over the world.

Save the whales.

Indubitable

2005-08-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

In a recent "Premiere" magazine article, it was printed that the Vice President of some department of Coca-Cola Industries, most likely the Advertising VP or some such, had signed off on funding a short film based on Chaucer's "A Clerk's Tale".

Of course, Coke being what it is, product placement was a must. After several interesting changes, including the addition of the phrase, "coke-nun", the title settled upon was "A Coke's Tale". At the end of the article, the VP was quoted as saying, "Chaucer was a genius. He would have loved Coke."

Let that sink in for a moment.

Chaucer was a genius, ergo, he would have loved Coke.

I wonder which super-brand of sugar water other men of history would have sated their thirst with...