Sunday, October 30, 2005

Dammit

I had this great weekend, but it's all been destroyed by two things:

I took a shit ton of really cool pictures but lost my $500 camera. Maybe my mom'll find it, but maybe not.

Andrea seems to be ignoring me. I really don't have any attachment to her yet, but it's just fucking rude and adds to my lonesome feeling. Also there's Dane's blossoming situation making me incredibly jealous.

At least I got some cookies out of it.

::munch::

Damn good ones, too.

Dammit.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Full of Love and Silly

Holy Crizzity Crap on a Philly Cheese Steak Sammich! I got more presents!
From Sleep Goblin!

THANK YOU, SLEEP GOBLIN! ::kiss kiss kiss::

I have such cool friends!

Warning: They're big pictures because I opted for quality over bandwidth. Sue meh.

Looky!
Looky 2x!

Also, I was feeling lighthearted during my Chinese Class Survey. I took a picture!
You like it!

I'm off to watch Cloud fight Dark Bahamut again. I never could get enough of Climhazard; I know Meteorain and Finishing Touch are cool, and Omnislash is obviously the strongest, but Climhazard is just so cool!!

Or as Reno says, "Ru-do, kakko ii yo!"! *Rude, you're so cool!*

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hello!


My good friend, B.O.B.I. added me as a team member to his blog, since I'm not terribly creative, myself. He'll help me contribute to this "internet" thing, now and again! I must say, it's all so terribly exciting; I'm not sure what to do! But that's why B.O.B.I. invited me, I suppose. I'll also be hanging around and making a general nuisance of myself. Who knows? Maybe I'll even join him on one of those mystical "audio posts" he somehow creates! How fun would that be, I ask you?

Well, I don't have much to say right now; B.O.B.I. is making some spaghetti and I think there might be enough for me to have some! So toodle-oo and watch for my editorials. I'll poke my head in, just like now! Just to say a thing or two. Maybe take a nibble of that cake you have, there. My, but it does look tasty. You don't mind if I have a bite. Mmm! That is simply delicious! You know what they say... "One good turn deserves another..." Oh, that is scrumptious! Hey, where are you going? The cake! The caaaaake!!

Bwaaar!

OORGLE!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Incoming

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You imitate Mario Kart and hurl turtle shells at little old ladies as you drive past.

At Your Lowest:

You become rather obsessive about whether or not the Ninja Turtles could, in fact, kick the Thundercats' asses to the point of shrieking wordlessly and pointing at ridiculous graphs and figures.

In Love:

You're a bit odd. Nobody's tried kissing that before.

How You're Attractive:

You're not, really. People just think you are.

Your Eternal Question:

"How many Oreos can I really fit in my mouth??"


Yeah, that makes sense. Sure.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Too Much Cider

We may have gotten a bit silly at work today.

I credit it to the abnormal amount of discount cider in the breakroom.
Who can say, "No," to free discount cider?

Not we, apparently.


Covered in paper; I am in my element! I'm never at a loss for places to jot notes or womens' phone numbers! The fact that I haven't yet means nothing! It'll happen, I tell you!


Freshly coiffed, I and my wig are ready for a night on the town!


My associate, Christian, and his mullet are ready to tear it up and the Nascar tracks. Stupid hick.


My other associate, Mike, just arrived from his "Confections 'n Leather" conference. I think he won "Best Bundt Cake Recipe" or something. It's a strange meeting, I guess.

I've been having a hard time thinking of stupid shit to say, lately. The other night Dane and The Other Roommate dragged me to a place called Shooters where you buy alcohol and play pool. Our mutual friend, Ty, was there with his girlfriend and her roommate. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I introduced myself to her.
B: "Hi, I'm Brian. How do you know this motley crew?"
C: "Hi, I'm Cory. I'm Sam's roommate."
B: "Cool, I'm their ::points to Dane and The Other Roommate:: roommate."

At this point, I hit a wall. I had nothing to say. Luckily, she took the ball and walked away to talk to Sam. Whatever, it's been a long, boring week.

Therefore, I'm going to vomit text for you all right now. It'll be like that drunk post a while back, but now you'll be able to read what I'm thinking!

"What fun," you must be thinking. Perhaps.... perhaps.

When I was little, a red robin flew into my window. There was a dull thud and it fell to the ground. Robert Jordan is probably the most influential author since bread was invented. Wait, that's a lie. I wonder what my slippers taste like. They taste bad, trust me. Katamari Damaci (and I know I'm like two years and a sequel behind, here, but I've been away from a lot of gaming lately) is like crack, for crackheads, by crackheads. It's like the FUBU of video games. It's no longer Katamari Damaci, it's CFCHBCH. I want to find the person who said Squaresoft won't make a new version of Final Fantasy 7 for the PS3. I will whip out my dick and beat them about the head with it. And it'll hurt, because I'll be rock-hard with indignation. That happens sometimes. I miss Invader Zim. I wish my G.I.R. In Dog-Suit would come to life every day. We'd have adventures wherein he'd blow up the house and make waffles. It'd be a dream... Speaking of dreams, I dreamt of a space bug, floating in space, sleeping its space sleep. And a moment to it is a lifetime to us! Cows are fun animals. Just listen to one sometime. It's magical.
Somebody spank the walrus. It's high time for some polo around here and a walrus-spanking is just what's needed. Tally ho and pip pip!

I have no idea how I found this. But it makes me feel warm, somehow.

I had this chat with Sleep Goblin. She made me a birthday present! I can't wait to see it! Oh, yeah, the conversation.
peanut says:
you big kid
B.O.B.I. says:
I am!
B.O.B.I. says:
I'm a child at heart. The other day I took out some of my old toys and set up an Intergalactic Battle until it was time to wash up for dinner.
B.O.B.I. says:
It was awesome
B.O.B.I. says:
the Rock Lords stood in opposition to the Lego Syndicate, but the Ninja Turtle Marquisate stepped in for the Battle Beast Imperium
B.O.B.I. says:
stuff blowed up everywhere
B.O.B.I. says:
things died
B.O.B.I. says:
time passed
B.O.B.I. says:
I ate food
B.O.B.I. says:
it was good times
peanut says:
sounds like it

Ok, that's probably enough silly for now. Hopefully I've just interested you all, as a moth to a flame, and not driven you all away, as a moth in a flame.

Take care and wash your underwear every day! Actually, you women out there, I can do that for you, if you're too busy or something. No big; I'm generous.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

OMG PRESENTS!

Still no Mom e-mail. Oh well. Here are the crazy things I got from my cousin! She's (like most of my family) possessed of an interesting sense of humor. She's awesome!


Some bacon adhesive strips! Sterile and delicious!


I've been without a decent calendar for a while now! Well, I'm still without a decent calendar, but this'll "doo". (Man, I'm funny!)


I guess I'm in need of some "hipping up" as the kids are saying. Or not saying. I'm not entirely sure.


I'm totally taking these to Japanese class when I'm feeling better. Hopefully they run OK on carpet.

Being sick is definitely one of the dumbest experiences one can have, isn't it? You get to stay home from all sorts of obligations and try to relax. You get to lay about on the couch or, if all your entertainment is at the foot of your bed, like mine, the bed. Drink and eat to your heart's delight. It's almost a pleasurable experience. Then you start sneezing, drown your sweatshirt in snot, almost pass out from the pain of swallowing and consider drilling holes in your head with the corker to relieve the pressure.

Then, while trying to savor whatever you can, such as the just-released movie, "Batman: Begins", the effort of overcoming whatever little parasitic organism has decided it'd be a good idea to fucking EAT YOU finally takes its tole and you pass out for eight hours, only to wake up thirstier and hungrier than you remember being in at least a year. So you gorge yourself on some EZ Mac, water, and basically whatever else is within reach and takes almost no preparation. Two hours later you need to eat again and by day three guess what? You're out of food. The light burns the eyes, precious, but you're out of food, so you get to venture out into the frigid world to the grocery store and have a little arctic adventure. We all know what it's like to feel that anything out of the covers is "cold", but a grocery store's temperature is only just higher than an Alaskan winter, so going there is going to be something on the order of an Epic Quest, the likes of which haven't been seen since you tried to construct that really expensive entertainment center or get the paint out of the carpet.

Yet it must be done. If I don't pass out or whatever and actually make it back, maybe I'll tell you guys how it's going.

For now, excuse me... I just sneezed all over myself again and the keyboard was also kind of on the receiving end.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

::love bubbles::

I was going to wait until my mom e-mailed the pictures so I could do one gigantic post, but I guess a little piecemeal Birthday present action can't hurt.

Look what I got!

I may not be a knight or a Tarot Card, SG, but I will always care for you. Thank you so much. I'ma frame it!

Also, I'ma totally outdo you for your birthday. I think. Needs some work, yet.

Hopefully more coming later! I'll probably start taking pictures of my other gifts and then you'll all be wondering about my family. What fun!

Monday, October 17, 2005

Pen Pal?

It might be fun to keep a running commentary on this semester's Japanese project. I've just finished writing a letter to someone in Japan. I'm not entirely sure if it's a boy or a girl or what age they are. I'll have to remember to ask my SENSEI tomorrow. As it unfolds, I'll copy the letters here and translate them for those of you who don't have the language pack and/or the ability to read Japanese.

Here's what I wrote:

森田裕也さん

はじめまして。私はブライヤン・オランと申します。ミネソタ大学の四年生で、専門は日本語です。いつも私は日本二興味があったから、三年前に日本語を勉強して始めました。大学でたくさん面白い経験がありました。初めの年はわたしが寮に住んでいましたがたくさん友達を作りませんでした。もう少しサックル活動を入ったら、もっと友達を作れましたね。今私はアパートに住んでいてしアルバイトをしてし。日本へテレビゲームがとても人気がありますね。私もテレビゲームに画興があります。森田さんもそうに興味がありますか。

それから、侍について書きたいと思っています。アメリカに侍などがぜんぜんありませんから、侍など興味があります。
教えいてくれませんか。

1。日本の中学や高校や学部へ、侍歴史を教えていますか。小さい例がありますか。
2。自分の侍の考え方はなんですか。
3。日本人の友達とその友達のご両親は「刀がだいきらい!」と言っていましたから、日本人は別に侍が好きじゃないと思っています。これは本当にだったら、どうしてですか。

4。アメリカの歴史ことに興味がありますか。そのことはカウ・ボイズやマフィヤでかもしれません。

お忙しいところ申し訳ありませんが、どうぞよろしくお願いします!

ブライヤン・オラン

English:
Mr. Yuuya Morita

Let us begin. I humbly call myself Buraiyan Oran. A fourth-year student at Minnesota University, my major is the Japanese Language. Because I've always had an interest in Japan, I started studying Japanese three years ago. In college I have had many interesting experiences. The beginning year, I lived in a dormitory, but I didn't make many friends. If I had entered a few more extracurricular clubs, I could have made more friends, don't you think? Right now I'm living in an apartment, working a part-time job and doing other things. In Japan, television games are popular, right? I also have an interest in television games. Mr. Morita, do you think the same?

Well then, I think I'd like to ask about samurai. Because America never had things like samurai, there's an interest in things like samurai. Please teach me!

1. In Japan's middle and high schools and colleges, do they teach samurai history? Is there a small example?
2.What is your way of thinking on samurai?
3.Because my Japanese friend and his or her family said, "I hate swords!" I think Japanese people don't particularly like samurai. If this is true, why?
4.Do you have an interest in American History matters? These matters could be Cowboys or Mafia.

You are in a busy place and I have disturbed you, but it was a pleasure meeting you!

Buraiyan Oran

No News is...

The good news is: I think my fever broke. It only hurts when I move and I'm sweating. Yay me. Now I have to wash my bedding.

The bad news is I just started sneezing like a hedgehog in a pepper factory and my nose is running like a... I dunno, somebody gimme a poor simile.

Is Ibuprofen weight-based or is that Acetaminophen? I never know how much to take and my mom won't answer her phone.

There Really Is A Price For Everything

Yesterday was awesome. I got to eat in a nice restaurant with my mom, sisters, and one of my cousins and I got to ride a Segway! I also got some kick-ass presents! Unfortunately, there's no proof of this until my mom gets off her ass and e-mails me dem's pics. *cough*

So, since yesterday was excellent (and excellent weather, to boot) today started off shitty. I woke up with an incredibly sore throat and a headache. I attributed the throat to my room being dusty (it is, kinda) and the headache to my as-yet-unhealed neck. I tried to console myself by wearing the most comfortable outfit I own.



That's right. Shorts over the Santa Penguin Pajamas. Truly awesome.

Plus, later on, I found another Geico add. I dunno about you guys, but I can't ever get enough of those. I fucking love that gecko.



However, as the day progressed, I gradually felt worse and worse. I didn't finish my e-mail to some guy (I think it's a guy) named Yuuya Morita in Japan. Now I have to do it at home. Typing in Japanese takes a long fuggin' time. Plus there were brief stretches in Chinese class where I would lapse into unconsciousness.

By Chinese Mythology I was completely lethargic, aching all over, feverish, possessing a sore throat, and the headache was attempting to assert itself as the dominant power in my head. Thank God my professor doesn't seem to care that much about me and let me go.

I go sleep now. Maybe have some EZ Mac.

Anybody else out there have an October birthday?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Ow. Owowowowowow.

Ok, I really don't want to do that ever again. That sucked.

It's not because I'm hung over. It's not because I threw up. No, it's because at some point last night I really had to go to the bathroom and in mid-stream, I went blind.

When I could see again, (I guess this is a correlary of regaining consciousness) at first I was too preoccupied by the pain at the back of my head, my neck, shoulders, elbows, back, butt, and knees. When I was able to concentrate slightly, I found that my legs were over the side of the bathtub and I was basically sitting in it. After a few more seconds I figured out that I had passed out, (standing up) had fallen backwards to hit the wall and steel support bar, and come to a sitting position in the shower.

Fucking awesome. It hurts to move today. I think I did something to one of my knees.

Not only this, but I did feel like throwing up for awhile. During that brief phase, I passed out again, with my face and shoulder on the goddamn toilet bowl rim.

I'm totally cleaning that thing this week.

It's my Birthday! Weeeee!

[EDIT] What the...? Tolbs, you're a bastard. But that's awesome. Thank you.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

OMG h4x3d!



Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Bobi. Hope the hangover isn't too bad in the morning. Enjoy the day, and hopefully there is plenty of pies to be had.

Tolbs

(ps: you may be wondering...how the hell did he get my password? Answer: I guessed. Third time is the charm. I know what password you used to use, but apparently you don't use that anymore...Nonetheless, i'm absolutely positive you know my password(s) for everything, so feel free to do as much damage as possible. Feel free to delete this post, peace.)

Drunk Post AgaIN

tHIS IS gonna be a stream of consciousness thing. I'm drunk and I'm not gonna edit anything. not even the block caps of the double previous sentence.

I think I'm angry. It's hard to think about what. Maybe it's women. That seems to be a common theme. mayb e it's cuz I'm betting older. maybe no. i dunno.

i do know that one beer, on a empty stomach, will get me sluggish.

twh beers and I get really sluggish
\ three and I start slurring my spech

four and I can
't type very well
hey that's a pretyt good exampl3. hopefully I'm close to passing out because this is gettin realy annoyingh to read ad I write. i gotta think more as I tpye and it's really difficult.

women are all bitches. even the wons I love. you're all suck. except not. so esxy but bitches. ball-crushers and harpies. im too shy to do anything about it all/. why haven't I passed out yet? more bree/

that was a reabby bad sendtecne. maybe i'm betting glocser. hahaha that didn
t make sense. i'm maughing i'm not looking at the keyboard while I thpe. hahahahaha that's the easiest thing to ty[e tirhg tnow. hold one,gotta drin,

ok press publis

I'm Happy...?

I'm incredibly confused right now.

Let's take things as they come, shall we?

Spinning Girl doesn't want me. That hurt. A lot. But that was several days ago and my psychic wounds begin to close. It has, however, been sending me into funks of despair all week.

On Wednesday, Kim sent me an e-mail saying Andrea was done dating whatever guy she met at the wedding. I should go ahead and send her an e-mail. I thought, "What the hey?" and did. On Wednesday. She hasn't replied yet. Bah and fiddlesticks.

There are, however, a few things which are fiercely combatting with my depression.
The late heart of my heart wrote something for me which actually made me cry for something like the third time in the last four and a half years. Thank you, Spinning Girl. That was wonderful.

Also, (related to the above), tomorrow is my 22nd birthday! Tolbs made the astute postulation such that, "everybody knows tomorrow is B.O.B.I.'s" birthday but, of course, he exaggerates. Only three fourths of the world knows tomorrow is my birthday. Large parts of Siberia are as yet bereft of modern telecommunications, as are some of the more remote parts of the Congo and Amazon. Let's not even mention Cleveland.

In light of this occasion and today, my Common-Law Birthday, I bid you all, "Be Merry!" Go out tonight! Cuddle with your significant other or porn! Or, if you have nothing else, a picture of me! Have wild sex! Have tame sex! I don't care, just copulate and near the end, (this is, obviously, for the ladies and gay guys out there) make sure to call him, "B.O.B.I.". The louder the better.

I'm off to get shitfaced; I'm tired of trying to sort my feelings out. Better to just shove the dirt and dust of my emotions under the large rug of my conscious mind and let the psychic vacuum of alcohol take care of it later.

Hey, could somebody feed Neduardo and Shaggy Llama while I'm passed out? If it isn't done, they tend to get into my closet and bam! I'm missing a sweatshirt or something.

Thanks. I love you all. (Yes, that still includes you)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Aside

Interesting side note: I started the '03 Austin 'Fro Craze. The year after I graduated, I visited the ol' hometown and found out a shit ton of kids had latched on to my idea and had grown 'fros (including the '04 King-to-be... yep, I influenced like three years of students!) I wasn't around that much, but my mom told a bunch of the soccer moms (many of whom still had kids in high school) that I had cut my hair and everybody was really shocked. I think one of my old teammates actually said, "Scandalous!"

Rowan, good call. For that one year and a half from middle of junior year to end of senior year, I was, somehow, incredibly popular. Unfortunately it just doesn't convey to college. Not that it matters; too busy to be popular. And the name is not a pun; Square just recognized the awesomeness of the name and gave it to the second-best ginormous sword-user ever! :P

And yeah, Homecoming was fucking amazing. The court drove to Century High School in Rochester, MN, and put SPAM coin banks all over the front yard and chalked up their sidewalks. The next day, the Vice Principal called me into his office and asked me, "What happened last night, Brian?"
B: The court drove to Century and chalked up the sidewalks...
VP: What about SPAM?
B: We left some SPAM coin banks on a few walls and bushes and stuff...
VP: No, actual SPAM, the product.
B: It's made from pigs?
VP: Somebody smeared SPAM all over a few of the school walls and windows last night.
B: Sir, none of us had anything to do with that.
VP: Of course, I trust you kids. However, maybe if you issue a public apology at the game on Friday, that might help things a little.
B: Whatever you want, dooder.
VP: Awesome. Keep it skippy, Brian.
B: Later.

Then I wandered over to the principal's office and talked about the ID cards for awhile. That year I decided to be a non-conformist conformist. All the students were required to have their ID cards displayed at all times. You can see this in my Knowledge Bowl picture, I think. I have around six on a chain, there. I would buy one every few days which pissed the Card Lady off, but kind of amused everyone at the same time. Finally I busted them all out at once and linked them together in a bandolier. Everybody loved it. When I graduated, I gave the bandolier back to the principal (who conceived and enforced the idea) who showed it to the auditoreum. I remember a huge response.

Ah, memories... I wonder if he still has them...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A Brief Stint At The Hospital Later...

GOD! NOT SO LOUD! I GODDA HEADACHE! SHHHHH!

::grumble::

Ok, ok... sheesh! I'll say something...

I miss the days when I looked forward to Halloween and all the candy I'd be receiving and eating.

I miss the days when all I wanted to do was form a G.R.O.S.S. chapter with my male classmates.

I miss spending summer days wondering what I should do, not how long before I had to go do something.

I miss having the time to do nothing more than sit on my bed and read a good book.

I miss masturbation being fun and exciting, not time-consuming and almost necessary.

I miss playing soccer.

I miss other parts of High School, too.
(Yes, I was the king. Proof.)

I miss the Sonic: The Hedgehog ABC cartoon.

I miss eagerly anticipating the next Disney movie.

I miss the days when a birthday list didn't contain items like these.

I miss being able to dump over 200 hours in a video game and be able to keep up with everything around me.

I miss childhood. (picture forthcoming)

Monday, October 10, 2005

I hurt.

If you'll all excuse me for a few days, I'd rather be blissfully unaware for a while.

I Cannot Stop Associating "Ursine" with Pigs

G.I.R. would be so happy. Thanks, Rowan!

There's this girl in my Japanese class. Before your heads sink too far into the gutter, no, I don't like her. I don't dislike her, but she ain't my thang, ya know?

I do notice an increasingly disturbing trend, however. We live in Minnesota. It is starting to get pretty damn fucking cold here. But every day this year, she has shown up with the same style of clothing: Slipper-like shoes, some kind of hose (panty hose, fishnet stockings, you-almost-can't-tell-it's-not-skin hose, etc.), some manner of t-shirt, tank top, blouse, or combination thereof, and a mini-skirt.

Yep, you read me. Mini-skirt.

And it's not just a mini-skirt. This is as if she kiped thirty off of Barbie and strung them together aroun her waist. Anytime she bends from her waist to any degree, anyone within eyeshot gets a glimpse of her drawers. Thank God she rarely wears granny panties, 'cuz that would be fucking disturbing. Of course, neither does she wear thongs, as that would be equally as rude.

How the hell does she stay warm? Does she sprint around campus in her 3" long skirt? How can she do that in shoes that look like they were made for ballerinas?

Any of you women ever do this? Care to explain your insanity? Maybe?

On a seperate matter: I don't mean to brag, but this was the second day I talked to the incredibly interesting woman who stole Spinning Girl's phone and speaks Estonian. It's amazing, really. What are the odds that two women would live in the same area of Connecticut, speak Estonian, and know my name? I mean, it's just creepy. But really cool, too. It's... coopy.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Oh, The Things I Does

I just talked to the best woman in the world! No foolin'! I'm high on something! I don't know what it is! But I'ma use it to my advantage! So here's a list of what I may or may not do during the day! Enjoy! Don't you love how every sentence ends with an exclamation point?! That one counts, too!

Whenever the hell my alarm clock feels like going off: Wake up.

.002 seconds after the alarm clock goes off: Perform Flying Death Womp on alarm clock.

3 seconds after Flying Death Womp: go back to sleep.

27 minutes to 8am: Wake up in a panic, somehow cognizant of the fact that I am late for the bus.

26 minutes until 8am to 15 minutes until 8am: Mad dash around room, yelling, "Where the mother fuck are my pants? My books? My glasses? What the hell was that?"

15 minutes until 8am: Fly out the door like my ass is aflame, to the car, and down to the bus.

8am: Arrive, panting, at the bus stop.

8:05am: Board the cocksucking bus and sit next to dumpy human #765764. At least I threw some cologne on.

8:45am: Arrive at school. Trudge to class. Avoid eye contact with people handing out flyers.

9:15am: Enter class. Stop paying attention.

Somewhere between 9:15 and 9:55am: Get called on, stumble around for pertinent answer. Somehow spin some acceptable bullshit... in Japanese.

After Japanese class: Mind wanders. Considers the ramifications of shoving a stuffed tube-sock down my pants in a gay club.

After after Japanese class: Mind wanders. Wonders in which part of Connecticut Spinning Girl lives. Does not remember having seen a map of Connecticut in a long time. Looks up map. Was not aware Connecticut had a coastline. Is surprised.

12:20pm: Chinese class: Mind wanders. Wonders whether or not it would be fun to jump up, pull pants down and scream, "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!"

Middle of Chinese class: Decides against pantsless Soylent Green comment. Mind wanders. Thinks about llamas dancing the Cha Cha Cha.

After Chinese Class: Eats food. Wonders if Connecticut has Erbert & Gerbert's. Decides if Connecticut doesn't have Erbert & Gerbert's, will build one with loyal army of mutant wombat clones.

Bus Home: Mind Wanders. Dreams of Spinning Girl, Fritz, Sleep Goblin, Ashley, Rowan, and Crystal in Nude Raspberry Jelly Royal Rumble Wrestling contest. Gets incredibly aroused and causes some discomfort to old lady in next seat.

Arrive home: Tests idea of uniting raspberry jelly and masturbation. Situation becomes stickier than usual.

Clean-up: Showers, towels off, showers again. Gives jelly jar one last look, but puts it away. Swears off PB&J for awhile.

Late-day homework: Mind wanders. Looks up Japanese word for "to gyrate". Answer: まわる.(Mawaru)

Post late-day homework: まわっている。(Gyrating)

Evening meal: Pizza, spaghetti, EZ Mac, grill, or take-out. 'Tis a simple life. Discusses possibility of hiring chef with Dane again.

Post evening meal: Fantasizes about owning a tank. With the cannon still attached.

Sleep: Dreams of Spinning Girl.

[EDIT] Current favorite "blast from the past" song: "All for Love" by Bryan Adams, featuring Sting and Rod Stewart, from Disney's "The Three Musketeers". 'Tis awesome, for sooth!

Rampant Alcoholism

Weeee! Tolbs visited us! We went to Serenity again!

We got drunk again! And recorded it for you!

Well, technically for Sleep Goblin.

'Cuz she's cool.

I'm still too inebriated to type anything witty. Enjoy the audio though! It's strange!

Friday, October 07, 2005

It's Possible...

These could be two of the reasons why only one girl (probably because she's wonderfully patient with me) has given me her phone number.

A gift given to Crystal.

A gift given to Ashley.

Dane has actually received many numbers, but maybe I'm a bad influence on him or something. My normally gentle, loving nature was subsumed by the fact that he had the numbers of two awesome hotties and we had access to soundboards.

I really am a bastard.

Because We Care

Lazy Link for Heather.

See? We care. Your very own audio post from us!

(Sleep, I know I still owe you one, but Heather was dejected. Gotta service the dejection first, baby.)

Allie, working on Angel theme. Coming along. Please more patience!

Spinning Girl, special song for you coming soon; one of my favorites!

[EDIT: Crystal tagged me!]
And awaaaay we go!
What bands/songs when they come on do you reach up and change?
The Cure, Anything rap, country, hip-hop, or R&B, Cher

What is currently underneath your bed?
Nothing. Everything is strewn about on the floor, so there's no need for anything to be under there.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?
Pizza. You never get sick of pizza.

Favorite character from The Simpsons?
Stampy the Elephant.

Favorite superhero?
Gravity

Worst hair disaster?
Second grade, half-inch bangs. I looked ridiculous.

Best Christmas present ever?
My cello.

Favorite sandwich filling/favorite thing to eat on toast?
Tuna

Worst advice you've ever been given?
Just go up and talk to girls, we like it!

Letterman or Leno?
Leno

What are you most afraid of?
Dying a life-long bachelor.

What position do you sleep in?
On my back; otherwise I stop breathing.

Would you rather freeze to death or burn?
Definitely freeze; much less violent.

Have you ever sucked dick for coke? If yes, then what are you doing later??
My word, no. I suck dick for free!

5 Funniest People:
1. Myself
2. Dane Cook
3. Henry Rollins
4. Dane
5. Tolbs

What singer/band would you like to perform with?
The Starting Line

What's your movie fantasy?
To be Thomas Jane as The Punisher. Any point in the movie.

Sometimes when you're walking around, do your balls get sweaty?
All the damn time.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKING KNEW IT!

I give up. The universe is against me. There is no hope.

I had my weekly meeting with Kim today. She comes up to me and says, "I have news."

Me: What news?
Kim: She's dating someone.

Of fucking course she is! I should have known that the cosmos was simply not designed for a B.O.B.I. date.

There is only one more level I can sink to: Speed Dating. If I stoop that low, the horror and pain would probably be greater than simply accepting defeat. I mean, My God; I'm not even worthy of a FUCKING. BLIND. DATE. A blind date; one of the most pathetic areas to which to stoop for lonely bastards. I might as well admit I'm a loser.

So that's it. I give up. No more effort. No more trying to find "Her".
If there's someone out there, she's going to have to come here, because I have had it.
I am sick and tired of playing a game to which I know no rules, nor am I even aware whether or not the other "player" is playing.

That's it. I'm off. No more pursuing. No more stupid conversations. No more inane babble regarding shit about which I care very little.

I'm done.

I'ma curl up with my Boppy, Oscar, and Omar Wang Hau Peppelu Tivrusky IV. G'night.

[EDIT: Gotta get this off me chesty. Then I'm done.]
Ya know what I hate?
When you cough up some phlegm?
And it tasts all salty and kinda halfway good?
But thanks to society, you're like a freak for nearly enjoying the briny taste of your own snot?
Which was down your throat in the first place?
So it's not like you even picked your nose or something?
And when you spit it out, there's blood in it?
So your overreactive mom drives you to the impatient doctor's office?
And he tells you that you have a malignant tumor?
And all you really wanted was a tongue scraper to make that slick feeling go away?

Don't you hate that?

I hate that.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Third Installment

We decided to test Fate and created this.

Actually, Crystalpistol asked us to. Either or; makes no difference.

Oh, yeah: Us.

Drunk.

Enjoy.

Did I mention that I love Spinning Girl and Dane loves someone named Barbara? You're our favorites.

FEEL HONORED!

Things getting hazy; time to fall over.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Women Want to Do Me Based Solely on My Brain

Today in class I minded myself and my classmates just how fantastical my brain is.
We were discussing some Chinese literature and one of the subjects was "What is the potential of hypocrisy in language?"

Engrossed in discussing this oddly-phrased question, I was trying to get to the root of the problem. Finally, I said, "Language makes lying possible."

Think about that for a minute. Chew it around a while. Praise my astounding intellect and ability to put together a simple yet elegant sentence which is, simultaneously, a philosophical mind-bender.

Marvel at me, women of the world. I know you want some.

Also, somebody drew a picture of Singe on the blackboard at school today! Lucky him!

Oh yeah, remember a little while back I did that fun list of stuff I'd like to see come back? Well, I wanna start a game of Tag! I tag:
My Heart
One of My Mentors
Joss Whedon's Biggest Fan
My Hawt Blog Sister
The Harriest of Yak-kind
My Other Internet Girlfriend
AND
My Hot Momma.

Now get crackin'!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Fireside Tales

[Author's Note: The preliminary section of this post is in response to the wonderful, myriad comments from the previous post.]

Wait, was that your dream or mine? 'Cuz it was nice. Real nice.

As for the Photoshoppery of Woman-Crushes, I have no idea what you're talking about. I've done no such thing.

Regarding the "body language" stuff... I remember a lot of things pretty clearly (halfway decent photographic memory) and I don't remember any girls ever brushing up against me. I'd definitely remember the naughty bits part. As for telling me, that certainly has yet to happen.

Ok, seriously, NOBODY knows what "E nomini Patri, et Fili, Spiritu Sancti" means?

Nobody does the Sign of the Cross anymore? Nobody knows Latin root words anymore? Nobody sees the word "Spirit" in "Spiritu"?

Blah, fine. It means "In the name of the Father, and (of the) Son, and (of the) Holy Spirit".
Now go watch it. Sleepy G, I know for a fact they're not priests. I'm close to memorizing the movie by now. :P

[Main Post Meat of DOOM]
Gather 'round chilluns. Johnny, sit the fuck down and shut up. Listen to my story.
Now you all remember Uncle B.O.B.I., right? Most unconfident sex master there ever was. He'd had trouble all his life getting girls to notice him. In fact, you've all heard stories before now of his dating mis/nonadventures. And now it's time for another one. Would you like that?

::crowd hisses and boos::

Well too the fuck bad. It's all I got for tonight.
A ways back, when B.O.B.I. was just starting to emerge from his shell, he played the cello in the Austin High School Orchestra. Every two years, the Orchestra, Band, and Choir would go on a short trip to some part of the U.S. where they would take in a fantastic concert and perform one themselves. It was usually a good time.

In early 2002, B.O.B.I. was a senior in high school. He had had a wonderful year of fun and surprises and it was time for one more before graduation. As luck would have it, the Orchestra trip was taking place that year. He and the Orchestra would be going to St. Louis. It wasn't the most exciting destination, but it was decently far away from Austin, so nobody complained too much.

After a very long bus ride, B.O.B.I. and his classmates arrived in St. Louis. As they drove through downtown, a spectacle quickly caught everyone's eyes. It was a Saturday night and apparently the night of the Prom for a local High School. It was taking place at a large, luxurious hotel (I forget the name) and everyone their looked amazing. The kids were arriving in horse-drawn carriages, limousines, and the old, much better-looking Hummers. It was certainly a sight to be seen.

Before I continue, you should know about B.O.B.I.'s conductor, Mr. Burkhart. He was a cool cat, and apart from music, he rather fancied "studying" physics. B.O.B.I. and Mr. B had hit it off on this subject a while back and would regularly discuss matters of life, the universe and everything. As such, they could have been considered "friends". Also as such, some gentle needling (according to Mr. B) was not unwarranted.

Now as the Orchestra passed the richest-looking Prom in any of their lives, Mr. B picked up the bus's microphone. He asked the bus, "Hey, who wants to go to Prom?"

All the young women on the bus screamed and hollered. One or two of the boys may have thrown up the horns. B.O.B.I. was never interested in dancing, but in his mind he wouldn't have minded going.

Then Mr. B dropped a bomb on B.O.B.I.'s nuts.

"Who wants to go to Prom with B.O.B.I.?"

The bus went eerily silent. After a few seconds had passed and B.O.B.I. nearly becoming apopleptic with indignation, three or four girls in the back ducked their heads and "hooted" softly.

Mr. B immediately regretted his actions, but attempted to smooth it over by saying, "You know I do it 'cuz I love you, Bo." Needless to say, it didn't smooth things over very well. More than one orchestral member suggested taking Mr. B to the Prom.

Of course, after the Incident, B.O.B.I. did not stoop to asking any of the young women from his school. No, he merely acquiesced to accepting a "date" from a girl who wanted to attend the Austin High Prom with her friends, even though she attended Blooming Prairie High School. She gave him something like three dances.

Well, chilluns, that's the end of my story. Johnny, I'm calling your mother. While I do, go get the fire extinguisher and put that out.

Part Deux

Anybody still get asked for Birthday lists? Do you remember when you were a kid and you could fill up a notebook with stuff you wanted? Do you remember losing the ability to think of things you want or even need? Now it's all I can do to think of one item.

B.O.B.I.'s Mom: Honey, what do you want for your birthday? I need ideas.
B.O.B.i.: Ummm... I, uhh.... pffffff.... I dunno. Maybe an... no, got that. I'd like a.... how about an apple pie?
B'sM: Honey, I make that for your birthday dinner. What about presents?
B: Daahhhh... gimme like five minutes. I gotta lay down.

Finally, after straining my cranium and (I think) bursting a vessel, I came up with a couple ideas.

B: Ok, how about some work pants, flannel underwear and a couple red shirts?
B'sM: That's it? You don't want anything fun?
B: Fun? Like what?
B'sM: I dunno, what do you like to do?
B: I like... I dunno, I like wearing non-threadbare clothes.
B'sM: ::is exasperated:: Ok, fine. Clothes. Clothes I can handle.

This has been happening the last couple of years. She wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas and all I could think of was that I needed a pizza stone and I was too lazy to buy it myself. So under the tree was a nice, new stone.

Don't get me wrong, it was awesome. I love getting things that I want. But the things I really, really want... For them, I cannot ask.

B: Mom, I could really use a two-way plane ticket to Connecticut.
B'sM: For what could you possibly need a plane ticket to Connecticut?
B: I want to go find (somehow) a school teacher with whom I blog back and forth and woo her in person, followed by naughty things the likes of which I feel incredibly uncomfortable discussing with you.
B'sM: B, that's crazy. I'm taking you to the psychiatric ward.

Ah well... at least I have uber-comfortable flannel boxers to which I can look forward.

Preview of Next Post:
Retarded computer, download not! Posts all of they broken! Links not work, Blogger be formatting for great ergonomics and windfall! You shit!

[EDIT: I got this from Singe]

Instructions:
1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Results:
Now then...

There is something wrong with me.


Excerpted from Ersatz.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Fuck Me, It's Saturday Night

You know what that means.

Yep, Drunk B.O.B.I.

You're probably wondering what I'll ramble about. Well, to alleviate your confusion, I'll make a simple numerical list.

1. I love Spinning Girl. She lights up my sad, little life. Thanks for spending some of your amazingly valuable time on me, Fuzzlekitty.

2. Serenity kicked a lot of ass. Period. Yay, Joss Whedon!

3. Boondock Saints remains one of the best movies EVAR. If you haven't watched it, it's like $10. Go buy it and be changed. E nomini Patri, et Fili, Spiritu Sancti, bitches.

4. I really wish I had someone (female) to make out with.

5. If Square (still not dignifying Enix with an acknowledgement of their existence) doesn't port FFVII to the PS3, not only should they all be shot, but I will be the one to shoot them. I can't just watch Advent Children and the PS3 demo video over and over and not want the re-release.

6. How come nobody owns a koala?

7. I've come to the realization that if I could talk as well as I write, I might have a shot at meeting women. But then I likely wouldn't know any of you. Funny how that works.

8. Speaking Chinese is way harder than reading/writing/listening to it.

9. I own Rock Lords. And they're still fun with which to play.

10. I love Spinning Girl.

Getting woozy. Must stop typing coherent sentences and numbered lists.

Maybe drink more beer.


Arbitrarily Placed Picture of My Favorite Rock Lord With the Sole Intent of Further Off-Pissing Andrew "You Suck at the Internet" Tolbert.