Friday, September 30, 2005

You Can't Take the Sky From Me

Lazy link.

Kimberlina, I knew there was a reason ondori (which is a male rooster) was in katakana! Nice try, though! It was a little poorly worded, but I understood your intent.

Spinning Girl, Heart of Hearts, Exemplar of Femininity and Sharp-Witted Keenness, I'm sorry I've failed you in my efforts at updating. I hope this tides you over until tomorrow. Oh, you, too, Sleep Goblin.

So until then, all my internet hotties, just take a stroll through my archives again. I'm continually amazed by some of the stuff I've come up with. You should be, too. :P

I love you all! (Spinning Girl most, of course)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Near Deathocity

So as soon as I walked in the door today, Dane walked out of his room, into mine and gave me a huge hug. I was so surprised I actually fell onto the bed. For a second I thought he'd finally cracked and went all gay. (Sorry, ladies, no such luck for you)

Finally I managed to croak, "So... what's up?"

Dane: I almost died.

Me, alarmed: Holy shit, what happened?

He then related to me how he had spun out of control on I-35 and the car behind him had been unable to brake and thusly brought his car into a decidedly non-amorous kiss with Dane's jeep.

Dane is fine, and his Jeep looks remarkably well for having been in an accident. The other gent and his harpie of a significant other, however, fared less well. Dane says the entire front looks like a dismantled piece of ass.

So, thank God my heterosexual lifemate is alive and well. I suggest you all (as I commented earlier) go offer a little sympathy/empathy/whatever, because he's been curled up in his room all day, preoccupied with being all shook up.

If none of you noticed earlier, Courtney of The B.O.B.I., Kim, and Courtney Conversation fame commented on "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!" with a vote of confidence and some support of my claims. Thanks, Courtney! And yeah, I'm a bit afeard of you.

Arbitrarily placed picture of a cute little puffin!

Arbitratily Placed Picture and Caption courtesy of Andrew Tolbert, Copyright 2005

[EDIT] Monkey, an individual named Omar Wang Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV showed up today. Sez he's yer cousin. He jest kinda came in, picked his butt and used the compy for awhile. You know this guy?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

From Mediocrity to Lucrativity

This made me laugh. Thanks, Crystal!

Xander Harris.

Who's your male Buffy soul mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news, I was working today and I had to backstock a bunch of DVD box sets.

When the mother fuck did all the crap shows from all over time become classic enough to warrant sale on DVD?

I present, for your edification, some merch that I would loathe to handle, much less sell:
Andy Griffith Show
Real World
Sex and the City
The OC
Will & Grace
Once and Again

I fucking hated that last one. My mom insisted watching it as a replacement for "My So-Called Life"

Side note: I managed to procure this for my mom for her birthday. At the time it had just gone out of production, so I had to wait about a month for them to find a backorder copy. Now Target is selling it. SunuvaBITCH!

The point is, "Once and Again" was a crap show with crap writing. The characters all pissed me off. Then there's Gabmore Girls and Roseanne. More annoying women I am unable to name.

What happened to really good shows? They get booted. Firefly. Angel. Invader Zim. Smallville. (I know there's another season, but they're cancelling it for the damn movie!)

What the fuck is wrong with TV execs?

And while I'm on entertainment, what the shit happened to quality movies? I have to put up with shit like "Fever Pitch", while back in the day I could watch quality films like "Working Girl" or "An American Tail"? C'mon, who doesn't remember and love Fievel Mousekewitz? How awesome was that movie?

Somewhere... oooouuuut there... beneath the pale moonliiiight....

Ok, I gotta kick it. I need to hit a 24 hour movie rental store.

Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone for your concern! I'm much better now. I promise if I ever win the lottery, or at the latest when I get filthy rich off of my sweet job that I'll land someday, I will visit each and every one of you and give you a big, B.O.B.I. hug!

Well, except for Spinning Girl.
She gets a hug and a piece of candy 'cuz she's so sweet.

[EDIT] Thanks to Iamme for the vote of confidence on "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit".
And yeah, C, I'm a bit afeard! Ha!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Tagged & Bagged

Logtar tagged meh. In spite of my sickly haze (more on this in a sec) I'll try to bust out some answers.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
~Kiss a woman
~Get a real job
~Go to Japan
~Buy something that costs over $2000 because I feel like it
~Somehow make money off my website
~Meet Spinning Girl

7 things i can do:
~Play the cello
~Speak 4 languages (not fluently; Logtar's got me beat :P)
~Make music with my teeth
~Make my eyes wiggle and/or cross reeeaaaaaaally slow
~Be funny
~Play soccer
~Chew gum

7 things i cannot do:
~Get serious about school
~play the tambourine
~Swim well
~Meet women
~Understand economics
~Appreciate most art

7 things that attract me to another person:
~Sense of humor

7 celebrity crushes
~Spinning Girl
~Jessica Alba
~Erica Durant
~Alison Mack
~Natasha Richardson
~Thomas Jane

7 Things I say the most
~Fuckin' Aye!
~What the mother fuck?!
~You KNOW this! make room for the tunaaa!
~SING!? *pause* SING!?!
~So, I was fucking this chick in the ass last night...

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm feeling ill today. I believe it to be the pizza I ate last night. It wasn't bad, per se, but it didn't taste right. "Oh well," I thought. "Sometimes you just don't bake it right."

Then, at about 4 am, I am sent running to the toilet, where I spent a lot of time from 4 to after 10. I'm currently starving, yet the thought of food brings back a feeling that makes me want to stay close to the toilet. Plus I've been exhausted the whole time and I'm really really frickin' cold. My roommate is in a t-shirt and I have two pairs of socks, heavy khaki pants, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt on. And I'm under the covers. Thank God my Computatory Box is at the foot of my bed or I'd go stir crazy.

Crap, I gotta go hang with the toilet again.
Later, all.


BLAH. I typed a whole post out and for some reason it deleted itself when I tried to publish. I took a few quizzes off of Fritz's blog. Screw it, I don't care enough to go into it again.

The Boy/Girl quiz said I was 80/20. That's cool, but I don't agree with what it says about my personality.

The Keys to my Heart Quiz was also a little off, but I really don't feel like retaking them right now.

I also had a very odd dream that I wanted to tell you about. In truncated form:
I fought people in my high school hallway. Some were from work, some were friends.
My High School crush kept giving me disgusted looks.
I knew Kung Fu and kicked a lot of ass.
The Walt Disney monster from Robot Chicken was the boss. I defeated him with a Crane. (ya know, with the prizes and stuff)
The crane turned into a toy-dropper in the room of two little boys. I tried to give an airplane to the younger. The older got it.
A flash of lightning revealed a dead/undead girl standing next to me.
I wakes up.

Weird, eh?

This one better publish.

Saturday, September 24, 2005


You women crack me up. The comments on "Back That Ass Up" were really funny... and hot. Crystal, I'ma need you to report to my room immediately for a special viewing of the video material. Spinning Girl can come, too.

Michaela, I still don't see all that much of my undies, but I guess I'll have to leave it at that.

Monica, you get in on it by asking.

So, Allie's nickname is now Dirty Dancin' Debby. I know she (for whatever reason) likes dancing, so now she gets a hot, seductive name related to her bizarre passion. Wear it well.

Monica, you're Diddleskins 'cuz I like vague, sexual euphemisms and that one sounds particularly naughty, just like you.

And like I promised my one and only, I have written a short poem.

She's smart and a beauty.
She knows what she teaches.
I've called her a cutie;
I want to take her to beaches.

Over the 'net we've chatted,
Over the web we have spake.
But all I've seen is her eyes, batted
Towards my small blogging stake.

I wish I could know her
More and further and better;
Call her "Missus" and she, me, "Sir"
And speak of all things sans fetter.

Things like Tolkien and science
Or how pretty she is.
Subjects from lying to lions
Or how she should be in show biz.

But we're merely two buddies dear;
Two posting, joking friends.
We'll just keep talking and chatting here
Until this whole blog craze ends.

At least, I hope it's that long.

Here's to you, sweet thing.

And now for something completely different:

A Few Things Of Which I'd Like To See The Return
1. Prohibition
2. Crystal Pepsi
3. Slap bracelets
4. The United Soviet Socialist Republics
5. Ghandi
6. The 17/1800s tradition of a man and his wife sleeping in two different beds.
7. Christian Slater
8. Pogo sticks
10. Key parties

As a side note, I really do want to see the return of #6. I told that to my Japanese friend, Maiko and she said, "Ahh! You will make your wife cry!!" Perhaps, but for right now it's silly to me and I'm wifeless, so the point is moot.

[EDIT]Tolbs is awesome:
[23:38] tolbs7: 2 different beds?
[23:38] tolbs7: wtf
[23:38] bobifro: lol never heard of that?
[23:38] tolbs7: you marry the girl you have the right to smother her

[EDIT 2x] The Kim Issue has been (mostly) resolved. Thanks anyway, Yak!

Back That Ass Up

Kim wasn't there last night.
No phone number.
No idea when or if this'll happen.


Man, that's depressing. Better use a joke to lighten the mood.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the other dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the other baby.

Why did the third dead baby cross the road?

Peer pressure.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Ah, Frisbee... How Do I Love Thee?

Man, is it beautiful today! What weather! It's deserving of frisbee or something!

And that's just what Dane and I did!

We also took a little video! Won't you watch with us?

Dane and B.O.B.I. throwing some disc.

Warning: B.O.B.I. sans shirt. Watch at your own risk!

By the way, thanks to everyone for their votes of confidence and advice.
However, I have some questions:
Shanshu: The whole time? Like, through dinner and whatever? Sounds uncomfortable.

Allie: What if she likes the fake me better? I'm a good actor; I could keep it up for thirty years...

Des: Glad you liked the limerick! I just sat at the computer without any pants on and the rest came easily. I don't have to wait? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I heard that somewhere. I'm trusting you on this one!

Rowan: Touch my face or neck or something? If you could explain that one, I'd appreciate because I have no idea how that figures into anything.

Ashley: What's a "move"? Put my arm around her? Try to kiss her? Hold her hand? Bust out a small dance routine?

Fritz: Don't wait at all? Not presumptuous?

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.


Yesterday morn, I experienced what I consider to be quite the surreal conversation. I'll try to write down as much of it as I can, but I know I'll leave a few lines out. First, I promised a limerick to Des!

Des is a real funny blogger; it's true!
Harry Yak looks at her pic when he's blue.
She knows about sex sounds
Her knowledge (praaly) abounds
So she's praaly real great in bed, too!

Added bonus for Heather, who wanted a nickname. Your wish is granted!
Heather, when I seduce you, I'll call you... Rough Stuff Roxanne. Yyyeeeeaaahhh. "Riser" for short. Ya know, cuz you get a "rise" out of me.

Giggity giggity giggity! OH!

[EDIT] Thanks to Sleep Goblin for the test link! I am...
Outcast Genius
73 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 65% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society
wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent
and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the
world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it
can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their
friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being
outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many
other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to
eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast


Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 86% on nerdiness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 90% on geekosity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 97% on dork points
Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating

And now, let's introduce you to the characters.

B.O.B.I.: The protagonist. All-around great fella, boyfriend material, and certified Genius Relative to Things Which Don't Matter. Also quite sexy.

Kim: Co-worker to B.O.B.I. Pretty cool lady, still kinda hot after marriage and kids (but not like Ashley) and durn funny. (Speaking of Ashley, delivery of a reply e-mail failed. Re-trying from both and

Courtney: One of B.O.B.I.'s many supervisors. Also durn funny and likes to dole out advice, but in a much cruder respect than my Hot Momma.

It begins with me preparing to leave work at the front office. Kim and Courtney are talking about some couple on the floor team.

B: Hey, speaking of couples, is Tami seeing anyone?
K: Haha! Yeah, she's engaged.
C: *nod*
B: Sonofabitch, everyone's getting married!
C: Sure seems like it.
K: I guess.
C: Dude, you should have just practiced on Sonja.
B: Huh?
K: Oh, dude, she was all over you!
B: Huh?
K: The first week I was here, I saw you two and I was like, "Wow! Flirt much?"
B: Huh?
K: Oh, come ON you two were always talking and laughing...
C: Yeah, dude! She'd come up here and talk to YOU. Not us, you. Remember?
B: Well, I guess, but...
K: No, she was sooo coming on to you.
B: Nawww...
K: She was, I'm telling you. And you were doing it back!
B: I was not! We were joking around and being stupid!
C: What do you think flirting is?
B: ...
C: Too bad, guess you blew that one.
B: Whatever.
K: You seriously had no idea? You had to think SOMEthing!
B: No clue. I'm fuggin' blind.
K: That's it. You're going on a blind date with my friend Andrea. She's 25, she has a house!
B: A house? That sounds real grown-up and stuff.
C&K exchange looks.
C: Just do it, Brian, you need the experience BAD.
K: I'm gonna give you her number next time and you're calling her, pronto!
B: Well, ok... but
K: No, no buts! It's time. It's past time. I bet your mother tells you this, too.
B: I think my mom thinks I'm gay.
K: HAHAHA! It's definitely time for you to do this, then! You'll thank me later.

Does anybody else think this just totally got away from me? And now I have an incoming blind date. A God-motherfucking-damn REAL DATE. Like, with a girl and shit!

I'm a little nervous.

What the fuck am I gonna do? I've never done this! I don't know what I'm doing! What should I wear!? What if I can't think of stuff about which to conversate!? Oh God... What have I gotten myself into!? If this happens, what are the rules?! Do I offer to pick her up or just say I will!? You wait to try kiss until the third date, right!? No physical contact until it's ok with her! Gentleman picks up the tab! Stand up when she stands up! Open the door for her! Outside fork is for salad! Let the buyer beware! Shit, I need dance lessons! The square of the third side, provided it is opposite a right angle, is equal to the sum of the squares of the first two sides! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!


::passes out::

[EDIT 2x] This is purely coincidental and a little freaky at the same time.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Color me fibbing!

Those assclowns at school took the damn sign down! Now, not only has the CLit moved, I don't know where to, and I can't obtain pictorial proof of its movement! Sonofabitch!

Oh well. There are other things upon which I may commentate. Ashley's, Crystal's, Fritz's, Sleep Goblin's, Rowan's, and of course Spinning Girl's sexy nicknames. I promised them to Ashley, only, but the rest of you might as well enjoy them, too!

Ashley: I can't beat "Wonder Woman". That's just too hot! If you really want something original, though, how about "She Who Walks On The Sand, Nude"? That could be nice.
Crystal: "Swingin' Sally". I keep sayin', "Nothing sexier than a woman into Buffy and chicks named Christy."
Fritz: "Booboo Kitty Fuck". Straight from Jay's mouth, you get the worst nickname ever for a woman I want to bang because we bicker.
Sleep Goblin: "Sex Malone". I admit I have no idea where that one came from, but you're sexy and I like the name Malone, so there it is.
Rowan: It's fairly simple for you. I'd call ya "Hot Momma" the whole night long! Unless you had a different idea. I've been given to understand you get your way in bed.
Spinning Girl: You're the light of my bloglife and therefore deserve something special. You are "Fuzzlekitty". Doesn't it just make you want to crawl into my lap and purr? I bet it does.

There's another promise I made to Sleep Goblin's that must be fulfilled! You asked for it, you got it!
I know a hot babe who's a goblin.
All the sleep she steals, all the food she's a gobblin'.
But that is still sexy!
I don't want an anorexy.
Yeah, the "wood" she "gave" me has me hobblin'!

And as an added bonus (Sleep Goblin, you lucky girl, you!) I've made a very very short audio post just for you!

On a more serious note, Crystal, I wanted to apologize for what may have been unkind words on your blog. I had a very drawn out talk with someone (not Dane) yesterday about the psychological differences of the male and female perceptions of sex. (We actually just talked about sex in general because I have a lot of questions, still, but a large portion was directed to the male/female perceptiony thing) While I still don't understand much, I know that what I wrote doesn't capture my feelings on the subject at all, nor is it very funny. I hope it wasn't ill-received.

Because I don't want to end on a "down" note, here's a little fun something from the incredibly disturbed minds of myself and Tolbs. Hope you like it!

I'd attempt to explain where this came from, but I don't know if any of you are truly ready, yet, to delve into our chaotic psyches. We've thus far offered you mere pale and short glimpses... Dare not tread further into that treacherous domain!

::villainous laugh::

Man, I'm spooky!

[EDIT] Got this from Des. It's only two questions long, and those questions don't accurately capture my undies, but it did come eerily close to how I feel about them.
What Your Underwear Says About You

You have a lucky pair of underwear. And you wear it more than you should.

You're not afraid to lay around resting your hand in your pants.

[EDIT 2x] AWWW SON OF A BITCH! I HAD to take a look at the Who's Your Daddy quiz. God-mother-fucking-dammit! Why do I always get the lame results!?
Your Daddy Is Dick Cheney

What You Call Him: Papi

Why You Love Him: Because he's your baby daddy

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

RE: Mute

Picture (poorly) edited. I won't be able to draw in Photoshop (not really) until I get a lot more practice and a Waucom tablet. Hopefully it helped her feel just a little "better".

I don't want to place a moratorium on things around here; that's not what I'm about. If I knew anything about SG2's Mamaw, I'd even try to celebrate her a little. All I can say is, "I'm sure she stole more than her fair share of sleep in her time."

With that said, I'll try to get back to business. There's no rush, though; we all know things can get a little slow, especially on this blog, from time to time.

So if you please, take a gander at the previous post. Enjoy the limericks. Get a little horny. Give your partner (because most of you have one, ya lucky stiffs) a "how's your father" for me.

And raise a glass to Mamaw.

Monday, September 19, 2005


A brief pause, please, for one who recently came into the pain of losing a loved one.

Maybe a prayer, too, if you're a religious type.

I hope this makes you feel a little better... if it doesn't, I'll of course take it down right away. (sorry about the retrace; it was really faint)

[EDIT]Sorry... I guess I'll try to adjust the picture tomorrow to better reflect the personage. I just saw "mamaw" and assumed.

Eat my dick, Lon Otto!

Awhile back, Spinning Girl said something to the effect that I am someone who points out or notices life's oddities.

Forgive me for failing to memorize your every utterance, my lady.

The point remains that at the time I laughed. It was a nice thing to say, but given my history in my creative writing class, I was disinclined to believe her.

You may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about. A few years ago I took a creative writing class wherein a daily assignment was to "notice" things about our world, observation skills being extolled by the professor, Lon Otto, as key talents for all writers. I had a hard time coming up with something every day. I just didn't see interesting stuff. He gave me a hard time in that class, and I fucking hate him. He was a bad teacher.

Regardless, after Spinning Girl made her statement, things started catching my eye. I swear I'm not looking for stuff... I just do a lot of double takes these days. I see foibles, odd mannerisms, hilarious words on pieces of paper taped to the wall by school officials...

Just for your reading pleasure I'd like to share a few with you.

Today my Chinese Mythology professor said, "The other day we had the perfect setup. Every group had two girls and one guy. You can't have two guys in a group, because they never shut up!" I and the other two men in my group looked at each other, looked at the lone girl who was decidedly not talking, and burst out laughing. It was such a bizarre thing to say, but it was true. The whole time the guys had gone back and forth and the girl (Nary) had just sat there, silent. I found this slightly sexist, but true and therefore funny. Try this sometime in your own groups... see what happens.

Later on, the professor was pontificating on something or another and his hand kept moving around. However, it was a repetitive motion, so my eye was drawn to it. He kept inserting his hand into the handle of a little milk crate in which he carried his stuff, pulling it out, turning it around, and reinserting it. He did it like ten times. I couldn't help wonder how the hell he picked up that habit.

Also related to this class, I had to read this passage in a handout: "Recent feminists have had much to say about the way Freud's formulation leaves out one-half of the human race, that is, all the women." (This is in reference to Oedipus Rex) Now, honestly... How "equal rights" is this gonna get?

*envision this next part spake with a grating, Harpie-like voice, reminiscent of B.O.B.I.'s idea of feminists*

"You men can't hog all the fucked-up, patricidal, incestuous feelings in the world! We get some, too!"

Finally (and I'm sorry for not having my camera with me today. Tomorrow, I promise a picture!) there was a sign posted outside the door by the Registrar's Office. A certain class had moved rooms. What was the abbreviated class name?

"CLit". Fucking awesome. The CLit has moved. Now you have to try finding it... again. I salute anyone who tries. I've never had a chance to look for the CLit; it (the chance) has just never presented itself to me.

::sigh:: Oh well... ::wistful gaze into the sky:: Someday...

Oh, and in response to some people's comments because I know we're all a little lazy sometimes...

Monkey: Sorry about your domicile. One banana tree on back-order from eBay. Hope you like it whenever it becomes available.
And now, your prize:
There once was a small little monkey.
His butt held some stuff which was chunky.
He grabbed a small pinch,
Moved his hand but an inch,
And plastered some poor little kid's Uncky.

Ashley: Sorry for calling you uptight; glad to hear you're not. Maybe now you can come on over sometime, you hottie, you! *wink*
You also get a prize for your remarkably accurate description of the sound! Have some experience in the department, sexy?
Ashley was hot for a blogger.
She was hot anywhere; guys would dog 'er!
She wears nice, tight pants
And undies from France
And B.O.B.I. and Dane want to snog 'er!

Heather: Having Llama troubles? Do you use Firefox? Keep in touch; I want to spread the llama-y wealth!

Crystal: Yeah, baby. I gots a wooden implement for ya. And honey, I been jealous since I first visited your blog. Do us all a real big solid? Give Ashley a sloppy one and take a picture.
My, I certainly am vulgar today.

Fritz: Sorry, cutie, I'm not the one. Wish I was. I also wish I could have a six way with you, Crystal, Ashley, Sleep Goblin and Spinning Girl. Oh well. Too bad, so sad.
::bickers with Fritz::
[EDIT] Since I'm bad at getting all of peoples' updates, here's a belated limerick to Fritz for including me in the kick-ass Blog Ode!
A blogger exists who's named Fritz.
She's cool with nice naughty bitz.
She rhymes really well
Better than I can; she's swell!
Now if only she'd show us her... skirt.

HY: Sorry, man, no time for yaks. That's what your blog is for, my friend. I really am sorry, but your militant yaks have no place here. We'll have to broker a peace some other way.

Calzone: Fuck it. Let's share. Dibs on backdoor! Woohoo!
*note: I am steadily getting crazier as I type this, in case you can't tell. I think I need sleep, but I'm not tired. Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!*

Rowan: (reiteration of comment) Hahahaha I bet you own one of those keyboards. Gotta keep that other hand free to double click your... ::looks left and right:: "mouse".
[EDIT 2x] You asked for it, I gots it!
I know a lady name Rowan; she's cool!
Sexy and kinky; praaly done it at the pool.
She gives me helpful advice
She's so awfully nice
And that red hair, it just makes me drool!

Spinning Girl: Screw those bastards. I'll shiver your timber any day of the week.
::throws Spinning Girl over his shoulder and stumps off into the sunset::

Ok, I think I ran out of shit to say. Tune in later when I come down off this Sleep Deprivation High. Seriously, the only reason I'm not bouncing off the walls is because then I couldn't type. That will be swiftly rectified, however.

Wait for it...


Sunday, September 18, 2005


This has been brought to my attention by Tolbs. Thanks, Tolbs. Tomorrow (Monday, Sept 19th) is National Talk Like A Pirate Day. For those of you in other countries, let's spread the fun; make it International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Do your best. Shiver me timbers. And swab the poop deck!


In other news, (thanks again, Tolbs) this seems almost too good to be true. Don't get too hopeful as you read; it would suck a lot if it didn't come to passs. Just allow yourself to dream a little bit... how awesome would it be...?

How fun would it be...?

How kick-ass would it be... to fucking stick it to the FUCKING OIL COMPANIES!?

Fuck yeah.

Fuck, Tolbs just keeps sending me shit. This must have been made by an all-man company. I especially like the shift key. "Shift" and "Shift shift"... for when you REALLY need to shift!

Keep it shifty, bitches and hos!


Thanks to Monkey for inadvertently leading me to my new pet! He's over there! Under the links! Isn't he cute?! I played with him all afternoon!

Oh, and an explanation to Monkey (and the rest of you) on Monkey's link name: In High School, we (a buddy and I) somehow imagined a monkey. It was a good monkey. Then one day the monkey became bad. He got into the medicine cabinet at the big hospital. The monkey was very smart and he figured out how to open one of the little bottles in the cabinet. He couldn't read, though. He didn't know the bottle was marked, "Experimental PCP". He didn't know that eating the round little tasties would forever change him into a deranged hellbeast. He didn't know the snake which was inexplicably sneaking up behind him and subsequently bit him had rabies. At the end of the day, the little monkey was hopped up on high-end PCP and had rabies. He went on a feces-flinging spree. He was so crazed and powerful that he threw the feces as fast as bullets. And that is how our sweet little monkey became known as The Fecal Bullet. You know he's near when you hear his deranged call:

Conjecturate, dammit!

What the hell? Play the game, people! Guess that sound! We'll pass out prizes!
Everybody who gets it right gets a filthy poem or limerick composed for him or her and about him or her!

So get postulating!

Saturday, September 17, 2005


Here it is, the long-awaited 2nd audio post from Dane and me! We really hope you enjoy it.

If you are the butt of a sexual joke and did not appreciate it, we're sorry.
If you are not the butt of a sexual joke and did not appreciate it, we're sorry.
If you are the butt of a sexual joke and appreciate it, e-mail me for my phone number.
If you are not the butt of a sexual joke and appreciate it, why the hell are you here?

Note on audio posts: Please try to download them and listen to them from your own computer rather than streaming them in the interest of saving bandwidth. I still have plenty, but if this thing is as funny as I think it is... there's gonna be some listening going on.

Thanks for your attention! I'd do any and all of you who happen to be female!
(SG has dibs)

State of the Blog Address

Don't forget to check my kick-ass old school missive (next post down) to Spinning Girl. Damn, sometimes I can just write so sexy!

However, there is business to discuss here and it is not how awesome my letters can become. Harry Yak gave me a piece of his mind last night and he made a good point. Long story short, I've been entertaining a good number of people all summer and have made some excellent friends plus an e-hottie to whom I can't stop sending e-mails. Honestly, just as SG said a ways back, there's a whole life, a whole family here. There's the two older brothers I've always wanted. That sister you occasionally bicker with. The mother figure and the weird uncle who gives you advice all the time. Then, of course, there's the hot cousins for whom you have funny feelings. And how complete could my life be without the girlfriend?

However, Yak told me I had an obligation to you all. It's been becoming all take and no give. I know this; I've been busy and haven't been posting as much. And for that I really am sorry. I know I make most of you laugh with a lot of the things I write and that makes me so happy I could burst. But the reality is, I'm in school and that comes first. I get tired so easily these days that when I come home, I usually just fall asleep for awhile and wake up a few hours later, merely to exhaust myself on homework. I don't want to depress anyone; I'm sure we all know what being in school is like, so I hope you can understand my position. I want to post more often, I really do, but school is taking up most of my creative juices.

Again, I don't want to depress anyone. I'm certainly not leaving. Fuck that. You guys provide me with a measure of sanity and support without which I don't know what I'd do. Yak suggested to me that I jot things down during the day and make smaller, "blurb" posts when I get home. I kinda like it, though I may have to resort to lists at some point. Not that there's anything wrong with lists, I just really like doing my own thing.

As a final note, this isn't the weekend post. I know you want funny, and funny you shall have. I just had to get the LOTR Challenge and this explanation out of the way first. Before I close, however, may I suggest a perusal of my archives whenever you're experiencing a B.O.B.I. dry spell? (Not you, SG, I know you already did that, you sweet and sexy thing) A word of caution, however: my very first post ever is me at my most morose. If you don't like sad, weepy B.O.B.I. you might not want to read that one.

So there you have it. I know it's not the best arrangement, or even an arrangement per se; it's kind of like an intended course of quasi-action, if anything. But I know if we work together on this, I can keep you laughing for a good long while now.

One of my aides will field questions.
Good night and God bless.

::cues "Hail to the Chief" as he walks offstage::

After a long and wearying journey...

My current quest is finally complete. May fortune favor me, that my lady shall not be displeased. Her countenance, radiant as the sun and her charms, bountiful as the ocean deep... may she find fit to bless me with their presence this day.

Answer the First: (R) Gwaihir, Lord of Eagles?
Answer les Deux: (R) His cookware?
Answer Three: (R) Mathom
Answer 2X2: (R) Azog
Answer 5!/4!: (R) Tom Bombadil

Lady, know that you have taxed even the limits of my researching skills, and though this sport gives me pleasure hitherto unknown to me, I must rest anon. When I am better able to serve you your own quest which you will undoubtedly find plain and unchallenging, I shall. Until then, I hold you in my mind and heart.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Words Don't Exist

"Gather again and devote your time..."
"To those who loved this world once before and spent time with its friends..."

Those words are close, but they don't do near enough justice to what must be felt by the viewer.

Before I go on...
Thank you, Tolbs, for cluing me in.
Thank you, Squaresoft (I refuse to acknowledge Enix in this endeavor) for making the BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

And thank you, loyal readers, for the support on the previous post. All I needed was a little time, but by a twist of fate I recieved that which can cure any malady...

You've guessed aright, my friends... I have seen Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

I griped, I groaned, I pissed and moaned... I cursed Enix to the bottom of their black hearts for their (doubtless) interference which (must have) delayed the movie so many times.

I am utterly certain, now, that it was entirely worth the wait.

The most beautiful story I've ever experienced has finally closed. Maybe that's a sad thing, but it's true what they say: the best stories end sadly.

And yet... I couldn't be happier. I haven't cried for a movie in a good long while.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go to an EB Games or the Squaresoft (still not acknowledging Enix) link above and order yourself a copy of Final Fantasy VII for the Sony Playstation or (if you're a freak like I am) PC. Play it, live it, love it. Then watch the movie. It will move the depths of your soul and shatter any preconceptions of what good stories and good action movies are.

I can't help but feel everything is just fine.

I also can't seem to write a decent conclusion to this post.


I'd like to be funny today, I really would, but I'm getting increasingly stressed out and depressed as the day wears on. I don't really feel like going into it now; maybe later when I'm actually seeking solace. For now, though, I just wanted to get an update so the habit doesn't die down like it usually does.

Arbitrarily Placed Half-Ass-Attempt-At-Humor Sloth Picture.

Monday, September 12, 2005

What the...

Ok, ok, Spinning Girl has posted her questions, but I'm taking some time away from homework to talk to you people, so calm down. I'll get her answers tomorrow.

Jeez, I feel like the husband coming home from work, exhausted and the wife greets him with, "Well?" There's obviously something he's supposed to have done and he's pretty sure he knows what it is but for God's sake is it so much to ask to just relax for a few minutes? Maybe make out a little? C'mon, baby... just for a few?

It'll be fun. Come with me on a quick journey. Marvel at my brain, that it forgot something it did the other night.

"How's that," you ask?

"Let me show you some pictures and then a short explanation," I say!

I guess I took these pictures when I was severely inebriated on Saturday night. Let's try to roll into the past like an amorphous time-travelling machine, shall we? I'm guessing that since I had my camera with me and was very drunk, I decided to capture my wonderful self on film!

"What a philanthropist he is," you must be saying!
"How nice of him to share with us those kick-ass pictures," you're probably declaring.
"And he's really hot in that black shirt," you're all conjecturing.


Oh, stop.

In other news, it rained today!
It didn't bother me too much, but I did feel a mite squishy for a while. The truly disturbing thing is that even after walking around with that much water on me, I still managed to start up a sweat after forty five minutes of hiking around Minneapolis. I hate that ugly combination to which heat and my genes add up. It's like I'm a spigot or something. Then, of course, on the AC'd bus ride home, I was fuggin' freezing. Blah.

So there's a couple of my days in a nutshell. Take it home, crack it open. Chew it around for awhile. Swallow it like a good girl or spit it out; your decision. I'm easy.

Tomorrow: SG's questions will be re-asked... and destroyed... BY ANSWERS!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oh. My. Shit.

I'll keep this brief; I know some of you are hurting today. Wounds like the ones we needn't mention never lessen or fade, but I hope you find some solace in better memories.

Onwards, then, to the nub of my gist!

In the interest of saving time and space, I won't break down the points much. Five, five, one (You researched and it's almost as south as Umbar; feel free to argue), five, two. Spinning Girl is awarded 18 points.

At this point, I almost want to submit to Spinning Girl. I got my ass handed to me. She bent me on over and rammed my ass with a 10' Tolkien Cocker. It hurt.

However, my male pride (such as is left) will not allow me to go down so lightly embarassed. I'm afraid I'll need a much harder spanking, my sweet Luthien, before I bow to you.

To The Clash of the Titans: Part Deux!

[Edit] Apparently I'm supposed to play SG's friend's game before I see her answers. Ok, why not?

1. Related::Belated
2. Soothing::Smoothies
3. Flashback::Total Recall
4. Turmoil::Gestation
5. Immense::Huge
6. Guitar::Cello
7. Nonsense::B.O.B.I.
8. Blame::Name
9. Childlike::Red rubber ball
10. Duff::Beer

Hm. I think those answers mean I'm lame or something.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Consider Yourself Clashed, My Lady!

1. (R) Arwen.
2. (R) A grey box of dust which he uses to refertilize the Shire.
3. (R) Celebrian (still no accents, dammit!) is Galadriel's daughter. She received a poisoned wound from Orcs and even though she was healed, she chose to remove to the Undying Lands.
4. (I'm going to ask for a 4 point question, because I knew who Hasufel was, I swear!)(.5R)
Hasufel is the young man (boy by some reckoning) that Aragorn comforts before the Battle of Helm's Deep. Arod is the horse (Arod="swift") given to Legolas/Gimli by Eomer.
5. (R) Faramir Took I.

I'm guessing you took those questions off the top of your head, so I'll strive to do the same.
1. What is Fatty Bolger's real name?
2. Which Ring does Galadriel possess?
3. What is the southernmost region written on the map of Middle-Earth? (Third-age Edition)
4. What are the words for "One Ring" in the tongue of Mordor? (bonus point if you ever bothered to memorize the entire poem in "Mordorish")
5. What was the area/city/land ruled by Thingol called?

As a side note, this got no laughs? What the hell is wrong with you people?

And now, in order to return you to your regularly scheduled B.O.B.I.ness, a short editorial written by a llama.

Written by Mr. I. M. Allama

Hey there! How are ya? Doing good? Good. Hey, what's that? On your head there. That looks interesting. Mind if I take a look? You don't mind if I use my mouth, do you? I don't have opposable thumbs like you, ya lucky stiff. Hm. Kinda chewy. What do you call this? Hair? Interesting. Kinda stringy. Not too tasty, though. Maybe just a few bites. You don't mind. Oh! What's that? You have food for me! Well, don't mind if I do! What's that you say? That's a "camera"? Never heard of it. Interesting texture. Kinda bland, though. Hey! Where are you going? C'mere! What's that? This tastes good!

Oops! Sorry! You didn't like that sweater anyway. Oh, excuse me a moment... ahh, that feels better. Just gotta let it out, sometimes, ya know? Say, got anything else that needs eating? What's that thing on your back? That looks tasty. Mind if I take a bite? Just turn around for a second; I don't mean to impose, but it looks really good. Oops. Didn't mean to drool on you; I'm so embarassed! Here, I'll lick it off.

Oh, ok. Bye then! Come back tomorrow! I bet you'll have plenty of stuff that needs eating tomorrow! I'll be MORE THAN GLAD TO HELP! OK!? BYE!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Not That I Was Trying...

So I discovered that if need be, I can remain (mostly) awake for almost 46 hours and during that period subsist on only: two hamburgers, a handful of cereal bars and a handful of baby carrots. Plus water as needed.

HY, I left a "schedule" sheet in Jen's box. The main reason I've gotten no sleep is because one of my classes spontaneously shifted around (cocksuckin' prof) and now I have to cut Thursdays out. With all the time I'm forced to spend on campus because of the lame-ass buses, I think I'm just going to cut down to two days and get a stupid campus job. I know you've already reworked my schedule once, so I'm sorry if this fucks things up. Just try to believe me when I say I really have been awake that long and I'm skipping my morning classes because I'm afraid of falling asleep at the wheel on the two-minute drive to the bus.

I pass out now.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Been awake for over 30 hours. Work in five.
I'm not funny.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Deux Day

God, that sucked. And so will tonight. I get home an hour before I have to go to work, and I'll probably get off work an hour before I have to go to school. Awesome.
So as I shovel hastily-prepared hamburger into my gullet as way of my only meal of the day, let me enlighten you, the reader as to the happenings of my second day back at school, because there's really not much else I feel comfortable posting about.

After the first hour of boredom (sitting in the hall... again) I found a compy terminal and checked the blog. Dave, your wish is granted thus:

Then I got really bored. I tried to kill myself:

but to no avail. I kept fighting for breath and that was that.

However, after such an interminably long time that I had nothing to do but take another picture, I actually died of boredom.

Fortunately, somebody thought I was some kind of bizarre, artsy trash can and lobbed a "Time" magazine at me, resuscitating me accidentally. And then it was time for class, and then I rode the bus home, here, where I am posting to you, the reader.

Oh, yeah, anybody got a few bucks to spare? I don't have my *(&%*&%$*&*& bus pass yet, I'm outta cash and for some reason the ATM doesn't like my card.


Well, ok, I guess that's cool. At least I get a "day off" tomorrow... kinda...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


The first day back at school. The smell of new textbooks. Expectation is in the air. Bright young minds sit patiently in the hall, awaiting their designated classtime and the font of knowledge which will surely spring from their instructors as ejaculate from... well, we know from where.

Such was the situation I encountered upon my arrival back at the good ol' U of M. Not having class for several hours at a time, I sat in the hall... and sat... and sat... and sat.

Why the fuck didn't I bring my gameboy?

However, all was not wasteful. Peruse, if you will, my great work of feeling concerning the excellent learning environment within which I was esconced.

At long last, it was time for class! Oh, joy of joys! I hope someday you, too, can experience the unmitigated pleasures of arriving at such an awaited destination.
The dark cloud to this silver lining was that I was forced to realize just how much Japanese I'd forgotten in three short months. Ouch. At least it started coming back by the end of class. Also, there was a pleasant surprise: a guest teacher's assistant, just come from Japan!

Look at that fool try to argue away his tardiness. Domokun will have none of it!

Now it was time for more waiting, upon more waiting. I believe I may have napped for some time. Then my first Chinese class began. It was at this point that I realized that this was going to be a slow semester; we had to wait for the professors to find the classroom. The two instructors present for Tuesdays are very energetic and friendly, though, and one of them asked me if I had studied Chinese before! I said, "No," but if I do say so myself... I kick languages' asses.

So that was my decidedly atumultuous start of the school year! I can only hope the rest goes as smoothly.

And now, at the conclusion, a brief demonstration! Four ways for you to say, "Later!"
Use them at home! Use them at work! Use them in the laundromat and while preparing dinner! Wait, don't use them at work. One of them is too casual. The laundromat should be OK, though.

Eng: See ya later!
French: A demains! (no accents yet, still figuring those out)
Japanese: Jaa, mata!
Chinese: Zai jian! (pronounced something like, "tsya chya")

Shit, almost forgot. I went to the Minnesota State Fair with my sisters and cousins!

It was damn fun! We had giant pickles, beer (those of us over 21, anyway), Tom Thumb Donuts, Sweet Martha Cookies, Porkchop on a Stick, saw hundreds of political booths, did a ride or two, pet some goats...
And even saw a female lumberjack! She weren't bad-lookin', neither.

Phew! Ok, there's my post. Take it home, chew on it awhile. Due back before class begins. No late work will be graded.


Sunday, September 04, 2005


I wasn't going to actually write anything for this post, much like the last, but Des's and Spinning Girl's pleas for attention and humor were so heart-wrenching that I simply had to "break radio silence" and give a little what-for. Suffice to say, when I'm absent, there is a greater plan to it, and I am absolutely not in any way more attached to a video game than this blog. I swear it.

Unfortunately, there's not much new to report. I go back to school on Tuesday, and I'm actually excited because my class schedule doesn't suck anymore. Up until about two weeks ago I was dreading going back because the classes I wanted to take would force me to be on campus for 12 hours five days a week. Not fun. However, I managed to redo it and correctify some shit and drop some other shit... so now I have about three hours of class per day. Much better, no? My pet accordion certainly seems to think so. Isn't that right, Adjudicator Nelson? (I call myself, "Justiciar Auron", the "pet accordion", "Adjudicator Nelson", the guitar, "Exemplar O'Malley", and the cello, "Bob".)

And now for the question of the day, week, and month: Do you think the first guy to invent a different language told somebody about it? Like, Sam the Sumerian wanders off to the northeast for a few years and comes back.
"Hey, Ned!"
"Well, hey, Sam, long time no see!"
"Yeah, been hunting and gathering in a place I call Eurasia."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Oh, I made up my own language since we pretty much have our own place up there. It's gonna be a kingdom someday."
"You made up a language?"
"Yeah, I figured since we're so far removed we're practically evolving into a different people with different racial traits and customs, so we might as well have a different language."
"Sam, that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. You don't just make up a language. Noboby's gonna understand you!"
"The people I teach will understand me."
"You're already speaking Sumerian fine, though! What do you need with a different language?!"
"Well, to be honest, Ned, remember those fancy eats we had at the festival a few years ago but nobody could figure out what to call them? I wanted a word for those, man."
"What? The sandwiches? You wanted a word for "sandwich"? Why didn't you just ask someone, you stupid rope sniffer?" (insults were much odder in those days)
"I guess I didn't think of that."
"Yeah? Well next time save a bunch of people a lot of trouble don't think of a language, either.
"Wanna get a sandwich?"
"Yeah, let's get a sandwich. Speaking of which, what was the word for it in your stupid language?"
"Oh, I called them, 'bambwoozles.'"
"I hate you, Sam."

Do you think it was that retarded? I mean, it was the beginning of civilization. Half the population were those weird bastards who ate dirt and stuff.

All I'm saying is, "Ya never know." I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.